Why I Watch What I Watch – Bret Michaels and Me a/k/a ‘Don’t Threaten Me with a Good Time’

This is the second in a series of features on Recapist recappers professing their love for their shows.

By Christine Michele

I’ve been with Recapist for almost 2 years now and I love every minute of it, writing about the shows that keep my butt permanently affixed to the sofa, like “House” and “The Office” but I get a special sense of delight every Sunday night, when Bret Michaels talks dirty to me on “Rock of Love.”

I’m happily married to a rock and roll dude, who has the Hair Nation channel permanently tuned in on his Sirius radio and when Poison first came out I thought they were a complete joke. I know as a teenage girl in 1985, I was Bret and the boys’ target market, but I thought they were just silly. But I did like their music. Hell, I even liked “Unskinny Bop.” There’s so much to love about this show, I had to break it down into all of the ingredients that blend together perfectly make the such a guilty – and delicious – confection.

More of Christine Michele’s ode to Rock of Love is after the jump.

The hero.

Meet our star, Bret Michaels – a middle-aged rock n’ roller. Let’s just face facts, he’s somewhere in age between 42 and 46, but he has aged infinitely better than his peers – most notably the puffy-faced Vince Neil of Motley Crue and the often-out-of-shape Jani Lane. Despite whatever sad secrets lurk underneath Bret’s constant bandanna/cowboy hat combo, he’s still a relatively good looking guy. And he’s certainly got the libido, and we can only hope the gallons of Purel, needed to take on 20 attention-starved, questionably-moralled ladies.

The thing I love best about Bret are his “confessionals.” I’m sure some poor VH-1 writer is helping him out, but Bret’s earnest delivery sells the lines. Take for example some of Bret’s introduction to the concept of the show – and why he chose to look for love on basic cable.

“When I was 15 years old, I was handed the secret to love. Thereís plenty of women out there that you want to be friends with. And there’s a lot of women out there you want to have sex with. But if you can find one that you can be friends and have sex with, henceforth, rock of love.”

And I know, deep in my heart, deep in my soul and deep in my loins that one of these girls will be the one for me.î

Basically, what I’m trying to say is rock ëní roll is an insatiable bitch goddess, but I love her. And Iím just looking for that one woman in my life to participate in that threesome.î All of this brilliance came in the first three minutes of the episode.

Bret called the zaftig Inna his “Ukranian Love Tank” and is very forthcoming in admitting his affinity for certain parts of a woman’s anatomy. Correct me if I’m wrong, but Bret’s definitely a boob guy. Between he and Flavor Flav, VH-1 has both T and A covered. When you get right down to it, Bret is what we all think rock n’ roll should be – long hair (even if it’s technically not his), motorcycles, booze, fake boobs, a bevy of women and parties every night.

The ladies.

I could go on forever about the women of “Flavor of Love.” It seems many representatives of the adult entertainment industry have made their way to Bret’s arms – both on and off the show. Hell, Kristy Joe, Brandi M. and Megan are all in Playboy this month. Season one had a great mix of personalities, from the hard partying Brandi C., to the evil Lacey and her nemesis – the cold, but actually pretty damn funny Dallas, innocent (translation – constantly crying) Samantha, crazy Grandma Rodeo and, of course the final 2 – a dichotomy of good and evil. Good came in pink-haired, oh-so-young Jes and the dark side was represented by tough-as-nails stripper Heather. Of course, Bret picked the good girl, which didn’t end up working for him. Heather, despite her big 80s hairdos and clothing from the “Strippers R’ Us” collection, should have been the winner of season one. She could deal with groupies, loved to party, and was the walking epitome of a “rock chick”. The girl even got Bret’s name tattooed on the back of her neck for Pete’s sake. Nothing says love like ink you will regret for the rest of your life. Bret made a serious miscalculation there and I do think VH-1 completely dropped the ball and didn’t bring back Heather to fight it out with Bret’s “awesome threesome” during season 2.

Season 2 brought a new pack of train wrecks to Chez Bret, including reality whore Megan (who won the first season of “Beauty and the Geek”), the innocent Jessica, the “Ukranian Love Tank” Inna, germaphobe and drama queen Kristy Joe and the craziest contestant ever, Angelique. She spoke with a “Pepe Le Pew” accent, which I can’t figure out if it was a put on or not and was a veteran of the porn, as she looked to have no other discernible talents except overly plumped lips and bosom. She certainly kept the subtitle guys busy during her brief tenure in the house. We had a lot of silicone in season 2, not only in the boobs, but in the lips as well. Aubry, who looked vaguely like she was auditioning to play Hedwig in a traveling production of “Hedwig and the Angry Inch” and Daisy, who fat lips make her look like a duck. Bret is left with Daisy, who has a walk-in-garage of skeletons and soccer Mom Ambre, who is somewhere in her 30s, reminds me of “Cindy” from “Three’s Company” and is this season’s totally wrong match for Bret. But Daisy’s a mess too, so I’m totally expecting a “Rock of Love 3.”

Out of the 20 girls who vie for Bret’s affections each season, VH-1 has managed to assemble the perfect blend of bimbos, villains, bad girls and underdogs. The network has already learned the value of a good bad girl, starting with Flavor Flav’s New York, so of course, ROL had to follow this formula of success. Introducing Lacey. Not only did she sport devilish red tresses, she took it upon her self to take every bitch in the house out. They tried so hard to make Kristy Joe the villain of season 2, but she was to be pitied more than loathed. The girl needed some serious counseling. Yeah, she deserved a slight reprimanding for coming on the show while still married, but she didn’t deserve the verbal pummeling she got from the girls. Once she left, it was all up to Daisy to be the bad girl, still living with her emo band wannabe ex-boyfriend and, if that wasn’t bad enough, being some sort of “friends” with Bret’s Poison band mate CC Deville. Despite al of this, she could be Bret’s (temporary) “Rock of Love.” But we all know that didn’t happen. Bret once again went for the “good girl”, so I’m curious as to how Bret’s going to let her down easy at the reunion.

The house.

Ok, we all know that Bret didn’t invite 20 total strangers to live in his actual house. His rented mansion in LA looks like the Hard Rock Cafe – guitars all over the walls, neon guitars in the foyer, a huge bar, a performance stage, a stripper pole, pictures of Bret everywhere – again, the way you’d think a rock and roll star lived. The skankery, as I like to call it, has been the setting of much of the drama on the show. Fights, yelling, screaming, drinking, gratuitous nudity, “alone time” with Bret and of course, the eliminations. If I ever build another house, I want an elimination room. Imagine the fun you could have with house guests.

The nudity.

I am sure my husband would disagree, but all I have to say is thank God for pixelation. Blurred boobs (and worse) are fine with me, but if you gather a bunch of strippers together in one room, which has a stripper pole in it, mind you, you’re gonna get nudity. Bret’s no stranger to nekkidness himself, being a veteran of the homemade celebrity porn video. Any excuse to wiggle out of clothes is taken. A burlesque challenge ended with Angelique butt naked…actually our French friend was the most-often naked contestant on the show, she even got nude for the Peep Show challenge, rubbing chocolate mousse on her cosmetically-enhanced mammaries. “Leave something to the imagination” is not practiced in the Rock of Love house, that’s for sure.

Big John.

Acting as the Tonto to Bret’s Lone Ranger, the Jerome to Bret’s Morris Day (too obscure?) we have Big John. An extensive Googling found little info on Bret’s enigmatic head of security, but I have learned from his bio on VH-1 that he was born in 1970, played football for Ohio State and later joined the join the U.S. Marine Corps and was a member of 1/1 in Camp Pendleton, California and served in Operation Desert Storm. He seems to be the ladies’ true confidante in the house, as he admitted he spent more time with them than Bret did. He’s been the one to break up the fights and make sure the ladies “respected” Bret’s house. He did a lousy job keeping the ladies out of Bret’s “suite”, which seemed to be the only real rule for the show. But, as we all know, invading personal space=drama. Don’t get me wrong, Big John looks like he can kick some ass, but does Bret really need brute force to deal with women?

Lessons I’ve learned from Rock of Love:

The reality show genre owes a great deal to the recreational alcohol industry.

Miscommunication is key – overheard conversations seem to be the downfall of many a lady in the Rock of Love house – remember “Circus Boobs” Erin’s ex-fiancee, who Heather thought she was still involved with? Of course, Erin later shot herself in the foot by bitching and moaning that she was missing Justin Timberlake’s appearance at whatever entertainment establishment she was working at.

If you’re going to go on a show to win the heart of a rocker/musician, it might be a good idea to know a little something about them. Like one of the ladies this season who said her favorite Poison song was “Every Thorn Has a Rose.” Of course, most of these gals were fetuses when Bret was in his heyday, but come on – haven’t they ever heard of Google?

Lastly, if you’re honestly looking for true love, stay away from these shows. I have yet to see one girl on any of these “– of Love” shows who wasn’t in it for personal gain. I am well aware that this is entertainment, but I suppose it does give some message of hope to the lovelorn out there. There seemingly is someone for everyone – even old 80s hair metal boys.

Phew! I hope I have been able to convey my deep affection for “Rock of Love” and so hope we can take another ride with Bret on his yellow-checkered motorcycle for a new season. Oh, and, yeah, if you’re wondering, I’d probably hit it if given the chance (and if I were single, of course – hi hubby!) As Bret would say, “hi-yo!”

Check out all of Christine Michele’s Rock of Love recaps on Recapist.

Tags: Television