John Mayer: Jessica Simpson is “Sexual Napalm” and Jennifer Aniston Doesn’t Get Tweeting

Who is going to staple John Mayer’s mouth shut once and for all? Does it have to be me?
Keeping it classy as usual, Mayer over-shares about his relationships with Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston in Rolling Stone, where he says Simpson’s amazing in bed and that Twitter broke him and Jen apart.

On Simpson: “Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me. Sexually it was crazy.
That’s all I’ll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm.” What a beautiful remembrance. Charming. And being John Mayer, that of course isn’t all he’ll say.

“There are people in the world who have the power to change our
values. Have you ever been with a girl who made you want to quit the
rest of your life? Did you ever say, ‘I want to quit my life and just
f–kin’ snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to f–k you, I would start
selling all my s–t just to keep f–king you.” At least he’s giving her a complement! I guess it’s a tiny bit less degrading than the infamous ass-as-hat comments

Just in case you weren’t already convinced Mayer is a pouting loser, more evidence! Apparently, his avid Twittering and use of technology caused a rift between him and Aniston.

“One of the most significant differences between us was that I was
tweeting. There was a rumor that I had been dumped because I was
tweeting too much. That wasn’t it, but that was a big difference. The
brunt of her success came before TMZ and Twitter. I think
she’s still hoping it goes back to 1998. She saw my involvement in
technology as courting distraction. And I always said, ‘These are the
new rules.’ You have to show that you don’t take yourself seriously.”

Ah, now that explains the Twitter cleanse! So either check that off as the first relationship casualty of new media, or maybe John Mayer (pictured performing in Florida Feb. 2) is just as much of a douche as he sounds like in his interviews. Has he ever thought interviews like this might be teeny contributing factors as to why he isn’t getting any?