Where Will They Be?: Sanjaya Malakar

Hello! And welcome to our brandy-new column “Where Will They Be?” Every week we’re going to take a D-list celebrity and turn out eye to the future – specifically twenty years from now. You never know where they’re going to end up. Take Tonya Harding for example. Did you ever think an Olympic athlete would end up in a sex tape, participating in celebrity boxing and wrestling matches and getting in fights down the barroom? Well, Tonya – yeah. Play along, it’s fun!

Subject: Sanjaya Malakar
Why He’s Famous: “American Idol” contestant. Couldn’t sing. Incredibly gay but claimed heterosexuality. Hairdo.
In Twenty Years: Salon owner

For real, Sanjaya’s claim to fame was his jacked-up hairdos and his comically bad singing. He would be the perfect salon owner. Can’t you see him welcoming you into his lovely salon with the beautiful tapestries and porcelain dog from Pier 1? Maybe with some Alicia Keys playing, and he’s pouring a glass of wine for you on a Friday afternoon as you get your hair did? And he wants to know how that man of yours is doing, if he’s still going behind your back with that slut. And while he’s highlighting and frosting you, he will start singing along to Ms. Keys and several mirrors will crack and cats will howl and you’ll wish you never had the cochlear implant if you’re hearing impaired. And he will always have a nice and exciting hairdo to delight you with. That cat can rock a side ponytail like nobody’s business!