Wayne Stays in the Picture

“Damn, I look sexy in green tights. I’m totally rockin’ it.” or at least that’s what I tell myself as I sit humbly dressed as Peter Pan in a Hollywood casting studio awaiting my commercial audition. It’s a callback, which means I start getting my hopes up at the possibility that I might actually book this one. Which would be a very good thing after my weekend splurge at the new H&M at the Beverly Center.

One Peter Pan sporting a euro-mullet-fauxhawk looks like an Asian Cillian Murphy with greasy skin– I avoid eye contact. As I spend my time awkwardly glancing around the waiting room my mind starts to wander-

“I wonder if there is a porno called ‘Peter Pan’s Peter?’ If not there should be. Remember to Google it when I get home. There might be copyright issues with that. What about ‘The Lost Boys.’ That’s a good one. Where’s my shadow? Does anybody have a Disney character fetish? Do they get together in Little Mermaid, Winnie The Pooh, and Cheshire Cat costumes and have orgiastic gatherings while listening to the Beauty and the Beast soundtrack? There was that recent incident at Euro-Disney. Oh shit, they are calling me in.”

The audition goes well and I walk out with a little post-audition high (maybe that’s just the ludes). On the drive home I start thinking about the Thanksgiving holiday coming up. But instead of wasting my time thinking of things I am thankful for (who needs to do that self-involved crap), here are some things I am NOT thankful for.

Read those after the jump.

Written by Wayne Ford

1. Nasty C-List Sex Tapes. Let me get this straight, Lifeforce-Energy-God-Man-Woman-Thing– the Britney Spears sex tape does not exist!? But the Screech sex tape featuring dirty sanchez does!? Something is a bit off in the Chi flow of the universe. Put a mirror and a plant in the corner of Florida, just a thought.

2. Nicole Richie firing her stylist Rachel Zoe. Now how is she going to maintain her amazingly malnourished giraffe-like figure without Rachel there to make sure she sticks to her White Powder Weight Loss Plan.

3. The fact I’m not British. The suits are more slim fitting and I could use expressions like ‘bloody hell!’ and ‘taking the piss!’ At least now that we have an H&M in LA I can pretend.

4. Dancing with the Stars. I just can’t wrap my head around it.

5. Frat guys suing Borat. At best you got a bit duped, which is not a good enough reason to sue. What if Borat wasn’t the mega moneymaking hit that it is? Would you still be suing? My guess is no. So really the question isn’t if you were misrepresented but how many people you were misrepresented to. And the fact that the real documentary you thought you were involved in turned out to be fake doesn’t change the things you said or did while being filmed.

6. Michael Richard’s racist rant. Okay, no joke here. Watching the YouTube video made me sick to my stomach. I don’t think he can recover from this and apparently it’s not the first time.

7. My hangover. Happy Thanksgiving!