Unqualified with J. Harvey: Rachel Tension

May 27th, 2008 // 18 Comments

Happy post-Memorial Day Hangover! Thank you for joining me in another “Unqualified” adventure in which I give bad advice that usually leads to a hostage taking. Oh, and FYI – “Unqualified with J. Harvey” will be moving to Wednesday afternoons at 1:30 PM EST next week. Why? Because I need more life experience to come up with answers to your dilemmas! And I am putting aside Tuesday evenings for that very purpose! For instance, this next letter is my first racial dilemma. What the hell do I know? I’m a white Irish former Catholic. People are lucky I’m not wearing a hood fer chrissakes considering some of my upbringing and certain asshole relatives I was forced to be around. I’m not one of those dorky white people that lies and says some of their best friends are black! I need some black friends! Mostly because i need to broaden my horizons and so I can answer these type of questions! Anyone? The boyfriend’s always telling me I’m a strong black woman, anyway. Actually, he saying I’m not but I protest, chile! Anyway, I think “Alex” wrote this while she was high. High on her damn self! Keep reading (I cut and paste em’ like I see em’)…


Hello I love you in general I must say I know if I bust out laughing in a post when I get to the end you wrote it. Well I am in your area but thats irrelevant. I am going to to clear sometinh I know my faults I like them I made them. I used to be the ugly girl I mean hideous. Now I am hot I am 5’8″ a size 0/2 and I model. I mean it looks like I got a rhinoplasty, and changed my hair tecture among other things and it was natural.

As a result I am shallow, capitalistic and materialistic (trust I would buy a purse before I donate and send birth control instead of food). I have to get out the way that I am a black female and slightly upper middle class.I loved how people treat you different ecspecially those you knew for years when they find your “regular money” or ugly anymore. I went through my whole rebellion thing it was liking coming out the closet I hated the neigborhood and I was going to be “black” so I pretended to like black guys and listened to rap.Needless to say they did not like me. I have since just point blankedly admitted what I like look all american rejects frontman and Halle berry boyfriend , jack yang (walter) from grey’s anatomy.

Their is an equation involved. I feel know that I can have what I want I should be able to choose. NOW the issue what do I do when people bitch to me about the Interracial thing. THey corner you and want borderline racist answers I want to is not good enough. Adults usually of the same race will hound me twist words and act like I am a trying to be Amy WInehouse umm I have a double science major. The “teenage masses” (don’t let me stereotype) on there the world is bad lets help every one and be politicaly correct and listen to “real music” off the radio spiel alienate me. I am labeled as offensive and a race hater ( I dont care about everyone equally). When someone talks to me or tries to hook me up with someone based on race alone I dont know what to say other than your not my type or that person is not my type.

They still ask more questions and I dont really lie (it pisses your parents off more when you tell the truth) then I am known as that race hating girl. I have had multiple black guys who the blackest thing they have dated is biracial bitch me out with out haveing a conversation with me. I hate being in that situation people take all your points with a grain of salt and thats bad enough when you look good.

But I mean honestly I listen to The Strokes and wear olsen twins/ Abercrombie and Fitch and I am conservative adrenaline junkie, I play classical music and I eat ANYTHING that moves should’nt it be obvious whats my type.

Alex

Dear Alex,

Girl, you trippin’!

I always wanted to say that. No seriously. I read that letter three times and I’m still unsure as to what the f*ck is going on exactly. But I will try to get through this one. I’m of two minds about this. One of my minds says that I want a hit off whatever it was you were cueing up on as you wrote this stream-of-consciousness cry for help from an incredibly snotty white girl in a black girl’s body deal. The other says that you really really like yourself. Confidence is swell. People should have gallons from it. But baby, there’s a limit! Though, I’m glad you’re no longer “ugly.”

(Like how ugly? Facial tumor ugly? Those two sisters attached at the face ugly? The “God Hates Fags” family ugly? What are we talking here?)

And I guess it’s good that you realize you’re shallow and materialistic. Me too! Beauty really brought you that? What’s my excuse? And congrats on your double science major? One of them obviously wasn’t psychology!

But it sounds like you have a lot more going on than people thinking you’re a “race hater”. Question – are you sounding this full of yourself when you interact with people at parties and social situations? That could be the problem. Your laundry list of why you’re the most amazing thing since Kraft Easy Mac was formidable. And a little wacky. And it sounds like you’re not shy about sharing it. When you communicate with people while your resume, educational accomplishments and modeling career are constantly running on a loop in your frontal lobe, and then automatically assuming people are re jealous and want to hate on you because of it – well, that’s not going to be very conducive to people digging you. And even though I’m a white man, I can clue you in on something. It doesn’t matter if the guy is purple, polka-dotted, or stripey like a tiger – any dude would think you’re a bitch if you act like one.. Can you play it cool, and just hang out?

You should be able to date whomever the hell you want. And if your African-American dudes aren’t feeling that, then that’s their problem. But I don’t think you should write guys off because they have different musical interests than you. Just because he likes T-Pain or something and you like The Helio Sequence doesn’t mean he can’t do you right, my sister! Lighten up a little, darlin’!

Amy Winehouse doesn’t have a double science major? I guess she isn’t cooking up her own dope, then.

And I have to add that “send birth control before food” thing really cemented my image of you in my mind. Good Lord.

Please continue making me feel uncomfortable about my race by sending e-mails to harvey.advice@gmail.com! I LOVE YOUR LETTERS!

Note to our readers, J. Harvey is in no way a counselor, advisor, professional, priest, or in any way qualified to be giving out advice. Please take it with a grain of salt and a sense of humor. In other words, don’t sue.

By J. Harvey
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  1. krystyn

    ok, I god damn just fell on the floor at the birth control line.

    Listen, perhaps people give this girl shit for dating outside her race because they can’t understand her reasons!

    And I am still amazed at people who can earn double degrees but can’t speak a lick of intelligible english. Yuck.

    In all seriousness though, I hear that black females deal with this issue more than say black males. It is not uncommon to see a black man with a white woman, and it is generally accepted aong black men. Yet, black men are the first to comment on a black woman dating a white man. They do not approve and resort to name calling.

    I can’t say why, or anything like that, but I can attest to the frequency of this girl’s issue (with the dating whities…not all the other issues she’s clearly sporting)

  2. Fluffy

    This cannot be a real letter. This broad is illiterate. Can you be both middle class and so poorly educated?

  3. rootabega

    J i commend you for even being able to make any type of sense out of that letter. and still making me spit up my sanka.

  4. Patavia

    She is a lunatic. Get over yourself and I don’t know any man of any race that would want to listen to this loon for more than a few seconds. Get help young lady and quick. You need a therapist to help with your self image. Simply crazy.

  5. green cardigan

    I take it when she says ‘Send birth control before food’ she’s talking about the Thirld World, namely Africa, where she’s from originally.
    I think there is some serious self loathing and an inferiority complex going on underneath all the bravado. Get over and accept yourself girl. You sound like a monumental pain in the arse.

  6. T-Bone

    Well, well, well.. I’ve seen blk men trip over beautiful dark skinned women to get to a fat, ugly white girl, so what does it matter if Alex won’t date within her race??? Seems like justice served to me. She can date whomever she’d like! There’s no accounting for taste anyways. But I see the dilemma here. In a way, Alex is sort of dam*ed if she does and dam*ed if she doesn’t. If she likes only white men, she’s deemed racist. If she forces herself to like blk men just because they’re blk, she’s ALSO being racist, actually. My advice? Simply tell people you’re looking for a hardworking, smart, nice, attractive, generous guy who treats you like a queen and shares your common interests (God forbid), and if he happens to be PURPLE, SO BE IT! Don’t explain any further.

  7. Missdany

    What is she even talking about??? If Alex doesn’t fit in with white people or black people then try Asian or Indian (dot or feather, whatever). All I ask is that she just work on sentence structure before writing another letter.

  8. Juliana

    Plain in simple, she’s battling self hatred & reverse racism on her part! She needs to get a grip, because life is going to be even harder on her now. She was better off being physically ugly, to go along with her ugly personality. Come on let’s keep it real, Darlin! Double major my ass, she couldn’t even write a proper sentence. My suggestion is, go back to school & take those birth control pills religiously, because we surely DON’T need anymore of her wasting space.

  9. cjb1879

    Omigod- I would totally think this was my old best friend if this broad could actually write the English language. This is the very reason we stopped being friends- not because she liked dating white guys (most of my family is biracial, how could I hate that?)- but because she limited the guys she dated by skin color. I hated the fact that she could automatically write someone off based on how they looked. The day she told me that all white guys treated her better than black guys (this was directly after her relationship with a white guy who refused to take her home to his parents house because she was black), I decided we needed a break from each other. That was 3+ years ago. She could never understand that her issues with guys had nothing to do with skin color- she dated assholes, black and white (probably because she was almost as stuck-up as this chick). Just like this girl, she had a deep-seated self-loathing complex that she tried to hide by pretending to be better than everyone else.

    On an unrelated note, I would like to know where this woman obtained a “double science” degree. Clown College?

  10. peachpie

    no double science major is this illiterate, so something’s rotten in denmark.

    oh wait! i got it! it’s a letter from naomi campbell! awesome — celebrity “Unqualifieds”!

    duck! she may throw her phone!

  11. Embs

    OMG! Thank you for posting this J.! This is deliciously disastrous. Love it. Ok, Miss A. Let me start by saying…wow…really?! I am a gay biracial man. I like to call it the other black irish if you will. I grew up in a predominately white town, raised by an Irish Catholic family who burned in the summer while I was getting a fantastic tan. I thank god (by this I mean Madonna) that I was raised properly and can look at people for who they are rather than a differnce in skin pigmentation. All this while realizing that there was something more to my supreme love of dancing and singing to NKOTB while my friends wanted to play football. Point is, wtf is wrong with you? You have a terrible and ugly disposition and no matter how hot you think you are, acting the fool and having ugliness inside is NEVER hot.

  12. alex

    In my defense I was clarifying I dont assume new people hate me im talking about kids changing the way they talked to u in school, or start talking to you different. Do you know how frustrating it is to be told go put makeup on when you answer someones question and you were correct.. I never said any race was better I AM MORE PHYSICALLY ATTRACYED TO ONE. COmmon sense tells you Tyson Beckford looks better than Ryan PHillipe and. They are equally smart equally nice race wise.
    I am by no means saying im gorgeous its like Nicole Richie she was Paris SIdekick then people thought she was pretty. I think Im an 8.5 on scale of 1 to 10.
    I meant everywhere birth control has been out a long time lik 3000 years ago. Ignorant of you to assume I meant Africa. I mean everywhere from Cali to China. Your ancestors are from Africa too if you did not get the memo.

  13. Julz

    Oh, Alex…DeVry did you wrong, girl!

    Even your follow-up was synaptic hell. Honest to god, punctuation is your friend.

    Good luck to you.

  14. Darth Paul

    I’m totally with Missdany. ??? Is this a gloat or twacked out rant or what? Even her explanation made no sense to me. What the hell was that gibberish about make up?

    Since no one asked, my advice is to start taking DIFFERENT drugs (maybe check that birth control, while she’s at it) and subscribe to a stuffwhitepeoplelike.com feed.

  15. b.SL

    First things first- J. Harvey, we would be great friends. You could be my Anthony Marentino to my [mixed] Charlotte (seriously, the can’t wait to see SATC!!!) Also, maybe we can find a size 28-29 Armani suit for when me& my gf make vows? (Skinny heifer has tiny waist). You seem like you’re in the know on these things.
    Anyhoo—- Alex. Yikes. I went to one of the most exclusive private schools in my city on scholoarship. Meaning I was an import from the hood. So I know girls like you. And although I was a little envious of the BMWs & SUVs they got for the 16th birthday, mostly, I pity you.
    This really wouldn’t be a problem if you felt comfortable with yourself. So WHAT if you like different music? I will listen to Avril Lavigne & DARE my friends to say something. Your true friends will like you & respect you for who you are. I lost some girlfriends when I came out. But then again, its only because those skeezers were mad I wouldn’t go to the club and pretend to be entertained as ball players hit on us (really, only to get the monkey!) If you are comfortable with who you are, then it doesn’t matter what you like. The fact that you feel the need to defend yourself speaks volumes about your real self-confidance under all that ego you pretend to have.
    Also- you seem to think its cute that you’re so materialistic. No one wants someone who’s materialistic unless they are equally so. (Read “Emma”, by Jane Austun; see the “Elton” family. The movie “Clueless” was based on it. So, you’ll totally go Wiki it now, right?)
    Anyhoo- the problem isn’t the music you like, the way that you speak, or who you’re attracted to. It’s you. Being Shallow doesn’t equal cute. And BTW, everyone has their oen definition of “cute”, so you still not physically attractive to everyone. Its almost impossible to be universally thought so. Get over it, and get over yourself. You need a character makeover, not a physical one.
    And some English classes. You are an embarressment to the U.S. Education system. Yikes.
    I’m praying for you girl.

  16. Jeanie

    Jay, you are a saint for even trying to make sense out of that letter. After popping an aspirin for the headache I got from trying to decipher her rambling, I have concluded she does not have a real problem. So she’s pretty now and likes white guys and people don’t like it? Big deal and who cares what other people think. Done. “Problem” solved.

  17. Jeanie

    Also – loved the title of the post – rachel tension!!! ha ha. Seriously, Girlfriend’s public school teachers all need to be slapped.

  18. Bleecker

    Joanie–It’s not her teachers who should be slapped. I bet you all the misspelled words in her question were on the spelling test. The only way to learn to spell is to study. Teachers can’t do that for you, can they?

    Oof, let me get off my high horse. Well, J., I have no idea what this girl’s problem is because I couldn’t understand her stream-of-consciousness ramblings. I agree with everyone that if she’s a double-science major then I have a doctorate in metaphysical outerworldlyness. I just made that up.

    J., I have to commend you on your stellar advice: “Any dude would think you’re a bitch if you act like one.” Amen to that. And not only are you right on, but it points to the crux of her problem: SHE is making race the issue, not the other way ’round.

    Allow me finish this up by giving some props to Embs who wrote, “I thank god (by this I mean Madonna). . . .” I want to be Embs’ friend now because that comment is straight-up hilarious.

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