Unqualified With J. Harvey: People Need To Realize That Cubicles Are Enclosed Areas

Last week’s column caused all sorts of controversy about the role of bridesmaids, exactly how much you should spend on a bachelorette party and how some sisters will f*ck with your dress on their wedding day to make you look bad. Things got heated! I love opening a dialogue! These week’s e-mail is from a girl with a stank co-worker. And I don’t mean personality-wise. Keep reading….


Dear J,

A woman I work with drinks these protein shakes that give her gas. Be for they switched our cubicles around it use to affect me a lot. So much so that I went to my manager to complain (nothing was done). It was horrible! Now that they changed things around I thought that I was in the clear, until I was walking back to my desk on doughnut day with my chocolate bar and hot chocolate when BAM I ran straight into it. It was like hitting a brick wall of stench! It’s so bad that other people in the office are staring to smell it and make comments and jokes. She really is a sweet woman and I want to tell her, but I don’t have the heart. Can you help?

Jessica

Dear Jessica,

That’s a tough sitch. And I can’t believe I keep getting these e-mails that ask me how to deal with other people’s bodily functions. I’m already queasy. I hate the idea that woman have gas. You people are supposed to be the fairer sex. It’s bad enough dealing with the boyfriend’s fart trumpet. Nasty bitch.

Anyway, I would go to see your manager a second time. You shouldn’t be exposed to that. Capt. Useless probably thought it would blow over (so to speak) if you got it off your chest, and probably had no idea how to approach the lady himself. Envision this conversation:

Capt. Useless: Uh, hi, Marie. I just need to talk to you about a little problem we’re having.

Marie: Of course! What’s up?

Capt. Useless: Well, uh, a couple of the people out on the floor have come to me with…well, it seems as though there’s a certain…smell…out near Jessica’s cubicle?

Marie: (smiles quizzically, has no idea, that’s what makes this so painful)

Capt. Useless: A smell…your power bars. You see…a cloud.

Marie: Yes?

Capt. Useless: Cut down on the protein shakes, your farts reek like death.

Marie: I’LL SUE YOU FOR HARASSMENT!

That’s what Capt. Useless is probably scared of. If he does nothing the second time, you have the option to go to Human Resources. They HAVE to follow up on every complaint. But if she’s a sweet lady, really sweet, ask her to coffee some day. Be direct, but kind about it. Tell Marie what’s up. She’ll probably thank you for calling it to her attention. Hell, tell her to have a steak or something if she needs that much protein.

If that doesn’t work, pointedly use scented candles around your desk. When you’re sited for a fire hazard, point to Marie and say “well, so is her ass if I light a match!”

That was tough for me. I hate the bowel stuff. Please continue sending me love, sweet love to harvey.advice@gmail.com! I LOVE YOUR E-MAILS!

Note to our readers, J. Harvey is in no way a counselor, advisor, professional, priest, or in any way qualified to be giving out advice. Please take it with a grain of salt and a sense of humor. In other words, don’t sue.