Unqualified With J. Harvey: On Guard

April 8th, 2008 // 18 Comments

Welcome to “Unqualified with J. Harvey”: Red Sox Opening Day Version! I just saw the Dunkie’s commercial in which Jonathan Papelbon keeps getting his ass smacked so I’m kinda turned on. I think it’s only appropriate that we have some sweaty security guard man-sex! No, really. Keep reading….

My girlfriend Amy thinks you can give me some advice on a little problem I have. There’s a security guard at my office who seems to have a crush on me. But I’m a straight guy. He says inappropriate things and touches me too much. I’ve been trying to avoid him but he walks into my office with snacks and says hi. I don’t want to tell my boss and get him in trouble. I don’t want to hurt his feelings either. But it is awkward.

What can I say to him?

Thanks!

Sean

Hey Sean,

Well, it depends. What does he look like? Does he have broad shoulders and a passable face? Just bend him over, do him right, and get it over with! Then go have a beer, and tell him that you’re not ready for a relationship.

I kid, I kid. Firstly, it’s nice to see a straight guy worried about a gay guy’s feelings. Especially a gay asshole’s feelings! That came out wrong.

But dude, this guy is no different then some tool hitting on the cute receptionist. He knows you’re straight, right? You don’t need to deal with it. Granted, I’d want to see some of the possible results on film, but that’s just me. Uniforms turn me on. Even on pudgy rent-a-cops who live with Mom.

You can make sure he knows the score without hurting his feelings. Just approach it calmly, and rationally and in a friendly manner. Your first move is to let him know you are definitely into the ladies.

1) Keep a picture of your girl on your desk. Possibly one of you humping her in a hot tub.

2) Talk a lot about Jessica Alba’s ass. She sucks, but straight guys seem to be into that ho.

3) Have some sort of neon sign in your cubicle that says “I LOVE VAG!”

Seriously, you need to shut his ass down so you feel comfortable in your workplace. Just ask to talk with him for a second, and say “Hey *insert jock sniffer’s name here*, you’re a really nice guy. But I get the impression you’re uh, interested in something more. Just so you know, I’m straight. No hard feelings, though, ok?”

That’s probably easier than it sounds. But better it come from you then his boss.

If it gets really bad, and he doesn’t catch hints that you don’t want to power bottom – get blunt. I find “beat it, fag!” works for me. No, don’t say that. Say “I don’t want to do you. I like boobs, not moobs. It’s vagine for me all the way, gay!”

And if it comes up, even after you address it, then you need to talk to someone. That mess doesn’t fly in the office.

Also, where do you work? Are you cute? Do you look like Jonathan Papelbon? This place sounds like a gay bathhouse. I need to apply for a job and meet that hooker that’s in your grille. I have a cop uniform. I didn’t say that.

I wonder if he has handcuffs? Or a Taser! Please continue sending me more stories of blatant sexual harassment to harvey.advice@gmail.com! I LOVE YOUR E-MAILS!

Note to our readers, J. Harvey is in no way a counselor, advisor, professional, priest, or in any way qualified to be giving out advice. Please take it with a grain of salt and a sense of humor. In other words, don’t sue.

By J. Harvey
asl

  1. Krystyn

    First, GO SOX! Way to represent J Harvey!

    Secondly, can you just do these every day and skip the celebrity junk? I think you’ve found your calling.

    I just guffawed in the cubicle and many a peering eyes were curious as to why…wow, I might have your next column! What to do when you get caught reading your favorite gay’s non-advice column while at work….

  2. Jeanie

    I agree, Krystyn. This stuff is hilarious. I don’t know if I should read this at work b/c I think I just hurt myself trying not to laugh out loud. I wonder where you would get a neon sign that says “I love vag”…that would be a very original b-day gift for the boyfriend.

  3. B.SophiaLoren

    There’s some dumb guy on E! who tries to do this- and you are TEN TIMES BETTER!
    Seriously, I SOOOOOOO wish I could befriend you. I think I love you. Can I be your faghag? I have one, but he got another job :(

  4. B.SophiaLoren

    There’s some dumb guy on E! who tries to do this- and you are TEN TIMES BETTER!
    Seriously, I SOOOOOOO wish I could befriend you. I think I love you. Can I be your faghag? I have one, but he got another job :(

  5. peachpie

    i just want the 411 on Mr. Harvey’s photo.

    where was it taken?
    by whom?
    when?
    why are you drinking wine?
    shouldn’t it be a martini?
    like, in the asl logo?
    do you always wear a tie???
    are those scissors in the extreme left foreground?
    why are there no photos on your desk?
    or is that the dining room table?
    seems like a weird place for scissors.
    apple laptop?
    are those your glasses?
    do you wear them all the time?
    or just for reading?
    is that a bifold door behind you?
    is it the laundry room?
    what’s in there?
    or are they draperies?
    and if so, why are they closed?
    you’ll get that weird disease that seattle ppl get — open them and get some sunlight.
    your arm looks naked, where’s your watch?
    please tell me that your sleeves are rolled up and that is NOT a short sleeved dress shirt.

    face it, Mr. Harvey. you’re an interesting guy and most of us would rather read your column that the celeb stuff… we’re all curious about you!

  6. peachpie

    ok. that looks and sounds a little ‘stalker-ish’. sorry about that! but those are the questions that spring to mind every single time i see that photo!

  7. OC Trophy Wife

    J… I had to Google Jonathan Papelbon… hot. http://umpbump.com/press/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/papelboncigar.jpg

  8. DruNken LauRen

    peachie: just a wild guess, but here are my answers for MR. J.

    yes its his dinning room
    he put the scissors on the table to make it look more office like

    his arm is bare cuz J doesn’t care what time it is, he gets there when he gets there

    and his boyfriend took the picture

  9. Krystyn

    I think thats an office or dining room.

    there is a window to the left, with a mini-blind and no curtain (how dude of you J Harvey!), then some yellow wall, then a closet door.

    I think he put the tie on to look like a professional, and the glasses are really his.

    Oh, and I forgot to mention, Jonathan Papelbon isn’t as good looking as Josh Beckett or Jacoby Ellsbury…have we seen them J?

  10. HAAHAHHAHAHHA This made me spit green tea out of my nose!Yes, I am a classy broad like that.

    GO SOX!

  11. Oh, man … I just discovered Papelbon and the junk he has in the trunk! Woof! And I hope that commercial is on YouTube or Xtube or something so I can go watch in the privacy of my own home after work!

  12. Peachpie – you took the time to ask a lot of questions, so I thought it was only right that I answer em’:

    where was it taken? – my apartment

    by whom? – the boyfriend

    when? – probably shortly before the first time it ran on the site, I forget the exact date

    why are you drinking wine?- to kill the pain

    shouldn’t it be a martini? – i was out of vermouth

    like, in the asl logo? – i got your reference.

    do you always wear a tie??? – not always, but i like to.

    are those scissors in the extreme left foreground? – yes

    why are there no photos on your desk? – I’m not that sentimental. Plus, it isn’t my desk.

    or is that the dining room table? – no it’s a desk.

    seems like a weird place for scissors. – what if you need to cut something?

    apple laptop? – yeah, we’re a Mac family.

    are those your glasses? – no, they belong to the boyfriend’s.

    do you wear them all the time? – i’ve worn them three times since I’ve been with him.

    or just for reading? – no, they were an attempt to look sorta smart. Or as a joke that I should look somewhat intelligent if I’m giving advice. Turns out that none of this is true or worked, yet I still keep giving advice. Who knew?

    is that a bifold door behind you? – Yes? No? What’s that? I can’t open Wikipedia right now.

    is it the laundry room? – No.

    what’s in there? – the boyfriend’s desk, a spare bed, and a little storage loft

    or are they draperies? – not that I can recall. We ain’t THAT gay.

    and if so, why are they closed? – the neighbors requested I do so due to my tendency to Irish step-dance whilst nude.

    you’ll get that weird disease that seattle ppl get — open them and get some sunlight.- jesus, yes ma’am! I didn’t Ri-Ri Harvey was up in here.

    your arm looks naked, where’s your watch? – I can’t tell time, and watches end up annoying me anyway. I have a cell phone that reads the time. I need everything digital.

    please tell me that your sleeves are rolled up and that is NOT a short sleeved dress shirt. – Yes, they are rolled up.

    That was exhausting.

  13. rootabega

    OMG peachpie you are soooo lucky!

  14. JellyBellyKelly

    Oh glee! I have to show this to my boyfriend. He also has a guy who pays him “special attention” at work.

    I like to have a little fun with my guy by telling him that he must be beeping on the co-worker’s gaydar.

  15. peachpie

    thanks much, Mr. Harvey. i’ll rest easier tonight.

    and all the rest of ya’ll were wondering too.

  16. WhatThe?

    J:
    Love.the.advice.

    But.NEVER.stop.the.recaps.
    EVER.

    :)

    p.s.:spacebar.is.broken.
    Hence,periods.as.spacers.

    I.cant.wait.for.ANTM.&.American.Idolatry.recaps.
    tomorrrrrow!!!!!

  17. Loob

    hehe! Actually WhatThe?, it’s cooler the way you wrote it with periods as spacers, because it make you sound really seriously adamant! :D

  18. Harry

    Ok, Jay, fantabulous as always, but three equations for you:

    Varitek > Papelbuffoon

    Joba Chamberlain > Varitek

    Yankees > BoSox, always.

    Thank you, drive through. ;)

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