Unqualified With J. Harvey: On Guard
Welcome to “Unqualified with J. Harvey”: Red Sox Opening Day Version! I just saw the Dunkie’s commercial in which Jonathan Papelbon keeps getting his ass smacked so I’m kinda turned on. I think it’s only appropriate that we have some sweaty security guard man-sex! No, really. Keep reading….
My girlfriend Amy thinks you can give me some advice on a little problem I have. There’s a security guard at my office who seems to have a crush on me. But I’m a straight guy. He says inappropriate things and touches me too much. I’ve been trying to avoid him but he walks into my office with snacks and says hi. I don’t want to tell my boss and get him in trouble. I don’t want to hurt his feelings either. But it is awkward.
What can I say to him?
Well, it depends. What does he look like? Does he have broad shoulders and a passable face? Just bend him over, do him right, and get it over with! Then go have a beer, and tell him that you’re not ready for a relationship.
I kid, I kid. Firstly, it’s nice to see a straight guy worried about a gay guy’s feelings. Especially a gay asshole’s feelings! That came out wrong.
But dude, this guy is no different then some tool hitting on the cute receptionist. He knows you’re straight, right? You don’t need to deal with it. Granted, I’d want to see some of the possible results on film, but that’s just me. Uniforms turn me on. Even on pudgy rent-a-cops who live with Mom.
You can make sure he knows the score without hurting his feelings. Just approach it calmly, and rationally and in a friendly manner. Your first move is to let him know you are definitely into the ladies.
1) Keep a picture of your girl on your desk. Possibly one of you humping her in a hot tub.
2) Talk a lot about Jessica Alba’s ass. She sucks, but straight guys seem to be into that ho.
3) Have some sort of neon sign in your cubicle that says “I LOVE VAG!”
Seriously, you need to shut his ass down so you feel comfortable in your workplace. Just ask to talk with him for a second, and say “Hey *insert jock sniffer’s name here*, you’re a really nice guy. But I get the impression you’re uh, interested in something more. Just so you know, I’m straight. No hard feelings, though, ok?”
That’s probably easier than it sounds. But better it come from you then his boss.
If it gets really bad, and he doesn’t catch hints that you don’t want to power bottom – get blunt. I find “beat it, fag!” works for me. No, don’t say that. Say “I don’t want to do you. I like boobs, not moobs. It’s vagine for me all the way, gay!”
And if it comes up, even after you address it, then you need to talk to someone. That mess doesn’t fly in the office.
Also, where do you work? Are you cute? Do you look like Jonathan Papelbon? This place sounds like a gay bathhouse. I need to apply for a job and meet that hooker that’s in your grille. I have a cop uniform. I didn’t say that.
I wonder if he has handcuffs? Or a Taser! Please continue sending me more stories of blatant sexual harassment to firstname.lastname@example.org! I LOVE YOUR E-MAILS!
Note to our readers, J. Harvey is in no way a counselor, advisor, professional, priest, or in any way qualified to be giving out advice. Please take it with a grain of salt and a sense of humor. In other words, don’t sue.