Unqualified With J. Harvey: Looking For Love In All The Mall Places

August 6th, 2008 // 19 Comments

Can you believe it’s already August? Have you noticed that time speeds up as you get older? Seriously, what happened to July? Here in Boston, it’s been the summer of thunder. It seems like everyday there’s some sort of torrential downpour and lightning storm that kills or injures someone. It’s a summer of danger and deceit! This is what happens when we didn’t give a shit about reducing our carbon footprint!

Sorry, I had to express myself. This is also the Summer of No Love for one lonely reader. Keep reading!


Can you believe it’s already August? Have you noticed that time speeds up as you get older? Seriously, what happened to July? Here in Boston, it’s been the summer of thunder. It seems like everyday there’s some sort of torrential downpour and lightning storm that kills or injures someone. It’s a summer of danger and deceit! This is what happens when we didn’t give a shit about reducing our carbon footprint!Sorry, I had to express myself. This is also the Summer of No Love for one lonely reader. Keep reading!Hi J. Harvey,I’m a 21 year-old gay guy who’s never had a boyfriend. I’ve slept around the last two years ever since I lost my virginity in a mall comfort room cubicle and I think I’m ready for something serious. Hell, I’ve been ready for almost a year now.I know, I know, I’m still young and I should enjoy being single and take my time but I am sick of being single. I do have a feeling I’m just bored which is why I’m getting hasty about getting in a romantic relationship but I’m not sure about that. It doesn’t help either that I no longer enjoy my job (I’d take or give the other kind of job any day- yes I’m kind of a whore).I’m not the loud, obvious type except when I’m with my close friends and my family doesn’t know about my bed partner preference except for a cousin and my sister. I’ve had several sex partners but none of them wanted more than humping and jizz-guzzling. Some did show some affection but nothing consistent. I’ve also been on dates but as sad as it sounds, I don’t think I’ve ever gone on a second date.There are some guys who keep in touch but no one I’m really into. Gawd, I hate it. It’s like we’re running around in circles.I don’t look bad either nor am I stupid.Am i being too picky? Isn’t that how it’s supposed to be? Help.Almost Desperate,JamesDear James,What the hell is a mall comfort room? Like when you didn’t get it on sale so you need to cry and be consoled?It’s ok, lil’ guy. Everyone gets lonely once in awhile. And random sex in malls can make one feel even lonelier after everybody shoots, zips up and gets gone. You sound like you’re more than able to get laid, but you’re actually looking for a drinking companion and snuggle buddy.Here’s the thing – YOU ARE YOUNG. 21 is practically a baby, dude. And a relationship is a big ole’ thing to handle. Are you sure that you’re not just bored and looking for a distraction? Hell, start a blog or go to the gym or work your way through the works of William Shakespeare. A relationship is as much work as having a baby. You have to surrender yourself to another person and share 1/2 your life, and it’s…a big deal. What you need to be doing right now is having fun. Go out with your pals. Work to live, and further your career if you feel like it. Party, laugh, go nuts. Because the truth is, anyone I have known (including J. Harvey) who has ever gone out hunting and high and low for love ends up lying on their living room in tears and eating hummus with a spoon and without the benefit of pita bread squares. It’s an impossible proposition. Unless you’re paying, you can’t force that shit. True story – I was really dumb and desperate to find someone for many years. So I went on a bunch of ridiculous dates and fooled around with a number of people that I shouldn’t have wasted my time on because I was so scared of being alone.  And the second I stopped caring? I found someone. And I ended up finding the only person in the world who can somehow deal with my bullshit – the boyfriend.It’ll happen when you least expect it. Just make yourself available to it. Something else to think about – keep some profile on a gay site so people can see you’re looking for a nice guy. Meeting people in bars (and quiet corners of the mall) usually leads to a load to the face and very little value. You can get to know someone on line. Or at least see if they’re literate. Illiterate people can bang but it’s hard to take in a foreign film with them.Oh, and if you’re gonna be banging plenty of random dudes in malls and forests and thickets and under docks (as gay men are wont to do because we’re dirty boys) – be careful and use protection. Christ, I sound like a Mom.Please keep sending your tales of lovelornness to harvey.advice@gmail.com! I love your e-mails!Please note that J. Harvey is not a childcare specialist, priest, therapist, counselor, or even a good listener. In other words, don’t sue.

By J. Harvey
  1. Dee

    Yes, life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the quicker it goes.

  2. OC Trophy Wife

    James – I see two issues in your letter. 1. You want a boyfriend. 2. You hate your job.

    Since you have not yet found a bf, think about finding a new job that you enjoy. Not only will you fulfill the work part of your day but you are also broadening your network of people. You’ll make new friends and maybe they can introduce you to someone nice. You’re more likely to find a serious boyfriend through friends rather than bars and malls.

    Even if you don’t find a bf through work, you’ll find satisfaction through work and be a more content and confident person. And there is nothing sexier than confidence. Serious people will be more drawn to you.

  3. green cardigan

    Forget about relationships and sex and mall comfort rooms (??) for the moment.
    Concentrate on yourself, figure out what you want out of life, what kind of career you’d like to pursue, develop friendships, take up interests and hobbies, take the time to educate and nourish yourself, and the rest will happen naturally.
    It sounds like you think a relationship will solve all the things you are not happy with in life. It won’t. I’ve been there and learned that lesson.

    and in the meantime, use Johnnies luv!

  4. green cardigan

    lying on their living room in tears and eating hummus with a spoon

    I love it! Who hasn’t been there at some point in life??

  5. T-Bone

    I always seem to find a partner when I’m too busy to even think about finding a partner. Get it?

    P.S. I’m proud of you for wanting something more than just a “shot” and a “zip” ;) Minus the nyphomaniacs of the world, I think we all do.

  6. jade

    I love your response J. Harvey. I hope this kiddo takes it to heart.

  7. VMcGee

    At least you had a spoon! I’ve actually been on the floor with hummus and crackers. But then I run out of crackers and used my finger to finish off the hummus.

  8. Christa

    Really, I need to KNOW what this comfort room is…

  9. VMcGee

    I know! After I read James’ letter I Googled “mall comfort room” and checked images. I expected to find gay voyeur cams. Nope! Nothing!

  10. James

    Hi, this is the loveless, very much single letter sender. I am in shock right now.

    First, mall comfort rooms – restrooms within the constraints of a mall, no glory holes whatsoever.

    J. Harvey, thank you. Jeezus, I almost fell off my seat when I saw all this. I really, really appreciate it. BTW, I already have two of your recommendations accomplished; a profile in a gay online community and a blog. Nonetheless, I love what you had to say. Is it just me or are you more serious on this one?

    Thanks too to everybody who left an advice.

    You made me laugh VMcGee. :) You can Google Gateway mall Philippines. Hahah…

  11. VMcGee

    James! Oh OK… men’s restrooms inside the mall. We’re not familiar with the term “comfort room” in the US.

    Over here the hot gay sex in the mall seems to happen in the men’s fitting rooms in Nordstrom. On a couple of occasions when I have helped guy friends pick out clothes, a combination of sales guys and customers are doing it in one of the rooms.

  12. James

    Hi VMcGee. Oh yeah. I realized that. Hahahah…

    Sex in a fitting room? Yeah, I just tried that last week with the store manager. It was fun until we couldn’t find anything to wipe the man paste with.

    I know, I need to wake up and smell the semen (on my hair). I’m trying, really. :)

  13. James

    Hi VMcGee. Oh yeah. I realized that. Hahahah…

    Sex in a fitting room? Yeah, I just tried that last week with the store manager. It was fun until we couldn’t find anything to wipe the man paste with.

    I know, I need to wake up and smell the semen (on my hair). I’m trying, really. :)

  14. Zekers

    James, the best advice I can give you is to reiterate the idea to stop looking. Its been my experience that when I stopped looking and busied myself with…life and things, potential partners seemed to come out of the woodwork. Its kind of like a woman who wants to have a baby so badly and it doesn’t happen so she adopts…then becomes pregnant.
    Good luck to you and try to have fun because you’re only young once!

    …and J., its nice to see your ‘fatherly’ side!

  15. Bleecker

    Ah, my heart has been warmed by J. Harvey. Safe sex is important, and it’s nice to see a trend of sound, totally uncrazy advice coming from you. But you know I love your column.

    Good luck to you, James. I hope you find the companionship you’re looking for. The Trophy Wife had some good advice for you. Get a new job, broaden the social network, take up a hobby, etc.

    Harvey, I loved the hummus reference. In my case, I have enjoyed the deliciousness that is Nutella without the benefit of toast.

  16. Helen Skor

    James, J. Harvey is dead on, but there is one thing that you should probably think about if you haven’t already: Being out. Now, I’m not saying that you should run around and shout it from the rooftops or anything. In fact, the decision to be out is one that you have to make if and when you feel the time is right. But you have to remember that not being out will make being in a serious relationship with someone more difficult. Most guys who are mature enough to want a real relationship aren’t going to be satisfied with being referred to as “my friend” or “my roommate.”

  17. 2 Old 4 This

    Helen makes a good point. Come out before you get into a relationship.

    Then, your family will just be dealing with you being gay….not your new boyfriend who “turned” you gay. I’ve seen it happen many times. It’s sad.

  18. James

    I’m out. Well, sort of. I’m not ready for my parents to know yet. I feel like I still have a lot to prove to assure them that I will be ok. :)

    Oh well.

    I’m trying very hard not to think about this whole relationship thing right now.

  19. Anne Arkham

    Hummus is way too healthy. I like canned frosting.

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