Unqualified With J. Harvey: How To Tell A Bitch That She’s A Bitch

January 15th, 2008 // 10 Comments

Hey kids. Last week, we dealt with clothing and this week it’s bitchery. This “A Socialite’s Life” reader has a friend who’s acting stank and then some. She’s already put the kibosh on the friendship and now needs to tell the friend why. Keep reading.

Dear J.,

So, one of my closest friends for the last three years is a real
bitch. When she’d not being a bitch she really is the nicest, coolest
person to hang out with. She’s usually a bitch when she’s been
drinking and her excuse for not apologizing for it is that she can’t
apologize for something she can’t remember doing. So, I usually let it
go. But, there are times when she is a bitch; ie; mean, spiteful and
plain rude, even when she’s sober and I have had enough of it. So, now
I would rather not have her be an everyday fixture in my life. And she
wants to know why I don’t want to talk to her all the time anymore. My
question is this, how do you tell a bitch she’s a bitch? It’s not like
I haven’t tried. She’s just a bitch!!!


PS. I think you are hilarious.

Well, I’m glad someone does. Thanks, Ginge. Recently, I didn’t realize that Adnan Ghalib would be considered Asian and every snotty bitch came out of the woodwork to march in the “J. Harvey Is A Dumb Slut” parade. I’n here to entertain and inform and this shit ain’t politcally correct all the time! And if everyone is so damn smart and well-informed, what the hell are you doing reading MY posts? I barely finished high school and I can’t make change in my head! Read Lisa’s, she’s wicked smaht. Oh, wait, GingerBreath had a problem. Keep reading.

Dear GingerBreath,

Sweetie, I think you should cut her off completely because she’s a poison-ass tramp. Here’s what I would do. Get some index cards down at the Office Max. Get a small pack, because you only need four. When the bitch in question comes to your door, have the four index cards ready. Don’t let her in your domicile, and when she asks why – pass her the first card slowly. It will say “You.” And then when she’s all “What? What the hell is this? Bitch bitch bitch,” pass her the second one. That one will say “Are.” And then she’ll be all this isn’t funny, GingerBreath!” and you’ll pass her the third one. It will say “A.” and you should put like sparkles on it so she knows something is coming and she’ll feel the suspense. And she’ll go “A what? What am I? Huh?” And then you’ll pass her the final card. And it will say “BITCH.” in all caps. And you should use gold magic marker and have sparkles and those little stars you got on your papers in the third grade and maybe even try to do it in a 3-D effect. And when she starts sputtering and trying to figure out if this is one of your GingerBreath jokes, you should fix her with a stare and nod slowly. Then maybe point the last card again. And then go back inside your house, close your door, and shut your cell phone off. If you get any e-mails from here, delete them without reading them. And sleep with her boyfriend or girlfriend for good measure so she knows you’re over.

Ok for real, she sounds like she’s more trouble than she’s worth. Your friendships should be low maintenance. Life is stressful enough with work, relationships and family. You don’t need someone in your life that you dread contact with. That’s what parents are for. Kidding. For real, just be honest. Be like – “, you’re no fun to hang out with because you act like a total bitch and I dread going out with you. Sorry.” She’ll either remain a bitch and get huffy and take off, which is her loss. Or she’ll try to and tone down her nasty ass attitude. Or she’ll confess that she was molested by Satanic farmers as a child and that’s why she’s a bitch, and you wil probably feel bad and cut her some slack AND get an awesome story over martinis.

Please continue sending me your requests for advice, or hell, let me know if you need me to tell someone that they’re a bitch! E-mail me at harvey.advice@gmail.com! !

Note to our readers, J. Harvey is in no way a counselor, advisor, professional, priest, or in any way qualified to be giving out advice. Please take it with a grain of salt and a sense of humor. In other words, don’t sue.

By J. Harvey

  1. Zekers

    …or you can always have plans when she asks to get together-she’ll get the hint eventually. I wouldn’t try talking to her again, she’ll just make more excuses and you’ll still be stuck with her.

  2. T-Bone

    Loved the advice, J. Harvey. Totally visualized.

    Oh, and couldn’t agree more. Life is WAY to short and difficult to deal with a friend who sucks the life out of you. Either limit the time you spend with this person, or, tell her what you truly feel and hope for a change, or, make the decision to cut it off. Negativity and misery can be contagious. Stay away from it.

  3. Tobeylee

    I’m seriously going to go make all nicey with the first bitch I can find, just so I can later do the card trick! Love it!

  4. Tobeylee

    I’m seriously going to go make all nicey with the first bitch I can find, just so I can later do the card trick! Love it!

  5. DruNken LauRen

    J, honey are you ok??? You are a DOLL, ok??? and don’t let anyone tell you different. If so, you tell Momma and Momma will KICK some BUTT 4-U…
    When Momma Lauren isn’t drunk (LOL) ** MOMMA ** can kick BUTT. I will get ghetto for you… and I got cuzins from Northside that AAh, lets just say say, “will take care of it”, SMILE like the PRINCESS that you are, (go get your DEBBIE HOT LIPS ON, Gurl!!!!!!!!)

    k’ back the the problem, have a heart to heart w/your friend. Be honest, not rude or mean… just say, Look, when you do this, you make feel this and that…. heart to heart, honey.

    If she is your true friend she will understand and check herself OUT…. and makes some adjustments… but do not ignore the problem.

    there is NOTHING pretty about being UGLY…
    ‘nough said!!!!

  6. DruNken LauRen

    J. baby, let the Adnan/Asian thing goooooooo, papito…. let it gooooooo.

    go home and have your Mr. Wonderful, cook you somthing nice, have some alcohol (lots is ok too), nice music, and well you know what to do J. aka ** DEBBIE **

  7. Lookalike

    “And sleep with her boyfriend or girlfriend for good measure so she knows you’re over.”

    FingLingMAO!!! That is the best I have heard in a long time!! You go J!

  8. silvarga

    I agree with Drunken Lauren. You should have a heart to heart with her and tell her how you feel. Some people really do become a different person when they’re drunk. But after the talk, if she gets drunk again and turns into a bitch:

    1) Put on some nice rings with the settings turned palm-side.

    2) Slap the bitch hard enough to leave a mark.

    3) Call her a straight up BITCH to her face and tell her to get to steppin’.

    4) Call her the next day and see if she remembers. If she doesn’t, fine. At least you’ll feel better…

  9. DruNken LauRen

    silvarga: thanks for the 1,2,3,4 advise…. that was awesome… I have to remember that….

    and if she doesn’t remember then you will know she really doesn’t remember being a bitch… and you can do you 1,2,3,4 again & again…. and maybe just maybe she will stop getting drunk b/c her face gets all bruised up…. for some strange reason ** wink, wink **

  10. kev

    it’ll be hilarious..the card trick…
    it’ll be better to use the card trick during valentines! pWn her.
    “you” with hearts and sparkies, “are” draw lovely angels, “a” Stars and sprinkles” “Bitch” draw fires of hell XD

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