Hey kids! Welcome back to the worst advice column you’re ever going to read. Seriously, I must have caused at least three divorces, five incidents of parents returning their newly adopted children back to the orphanage, six catfights and a suicide by now. This week we have a situation near and dear to my heart – a Mom trying to help her son come out of the closet. Christ, my advice is going to cause him to run to one of those ex-gay organizations before he’s even gay. Keep reading…
My youngest son, about to turn 18 and a senior in high school, has been dropping some pretty broad hints to me lately. I think he may be trying to tell me he’s gay. I love him no matter what, but it’s going to be a problem with my husband, his dad.
So, any advice for families going through this sort of thing? Should I keep letting him drop hints until he is ready to flat out say it? Should I take the hint that this means he wants me to ask him? What do you think is the best way to present this to his dad? Is it shameful to ask that he keep this a secret from his old-fashioned grandmothers? Or is that just “picking your battles” and deciding that discretion is the best for them?
You’re in luck! I’m gay and I have a Mom and I came out to her! Ri-Ri Harvey is one of the best Moms in the world. If you want, have your boy come out to her first as a dry run. She’s really good with that stuff. She even bought me my first cock ring! I’m totally kidding. No, really. I’m not big enough for a cock ring, I’m Irish.
Anyway, when you say broad hints do you mean like he said that he really liked RENT or do you mean that he mentioned that his rectum has been full up with men lately? Cuz’, my straight brother liked RENT and that guy likes drunk 18-year-old chicks in thongs. The latter probably means, yeah he’s into the D.
The best thing you can do for your kid is let him tell you. Don’t interrogate his ass. And just make sure he knows that you love him, and he can tell you anything. Stress unconditional love in a casual manner if possible! It will make him feel safe and like you won’t judge him when he does come out with it.
I came out to Ri-Ri Harvey while we were watching a re-run of Married With Children. This is the lamest coming out story ever. I mentioned to my Mom that Marcy D’Arcy was a dyke in real life. And she was like, oh I didn’t now that! And I was like yeah, I have something to tell you. And she was like ok. And I started crying (yes, J. Harvey sheds tears) and told her. And she was like, no shit we’ve known since you were six. And I was like no way. And she was like, how many six year olds do you know that are dressing up like Monica on General Hospital and wielding a Barbie in a sequined evening gown? Point taken, Ri-Ri.
As for your husband, that can be a rough one. It sounds like he wouldn’t be very happy about it. Is it a religious thing? A homophobic thing? An insecurity about what being a man means thing? All of the above? Remind your guy that this is his son. And protect your boy. He hasn’t done anything wrong except be truthful about who he is. Your hubbie doesn’t have to agree, or even understand. But it doesn’t change the fact that you’re still a family. Check out P-Flag or something to fill your man in on what the deal is. It’s 2008, everyone’s gay. It’s not a big deal. He’ll come around, and if he doesn’t – it’s his problem, not your son’s. Withhold sex from him until he accepts that Junior likes other juniors.
As for the grandmother situation? Leave it up to your son. It’s not really something to stress about. Why? Because they’ll be dead soon! They’re old!
Good luck, Pam. And tell me how it goes. Please continue sending me more stories of gayness in your households to email@example.com! I LOVE YOUR E-MAILS!
Note to our readers, J. Harvey is in no way a counselor, advisor, professional, priest, or in any way qualified to be giving out advice. Please take it with a grain of salt and a sense of humor. In other words, don’t sue.