Unqualified with J. Harvey: A Ho Named Rainbow

Oh, you people need to hear this one. Meet “Sister with a Normal Name.” She’s got a problem with her sister. Rainbow. Even if this letter is total bullshit, I want to thank the person who let me write about a ho named Rainbow. Keep reading…

Sir Harvey,

Most people hear “twisted sister” and think of well-rolled joint or maybe mary-kate oh. But my sister is the most twisted of them all, Mr. Harvey.

My bitch sister’s actual name is Rainbow, I shit you not (eh, the ‘rents were high). But she is no sunshine and refracted light delight you might imagine a Rainbow would be. My mom really should have named her Raincloud. Better still, Hurricane. All the bitch ever does is try and destroy my life because she’s jealous– she’s admitted her jealousy a few times and it makes me feel guilty and gross. She’s also my older sister, but I’m more successful in work/relationships than she is, so it pisses her off. But it’s not my fault that I actually studied and graduated while she was “busy” piercing her face and dropping out. And I didn’t choose her cheating skeeze of a husband, either. I chose a badass man for myself and I’m happily engaged. My man hates my sister. All of my friends hate my sister. Even my mom only loves her because she sort of has to.

My sister is obnoxious. terribly phony. hateful. incredibly rude. To make matters worse, she’s completely unoriginal and only tells jokes she has stolen off of some tv show or movie. If I ever hear her rip off another Karen Walker line, my ears might bleed.

The PROBLEM is that I actually do love her. I haven’t spoken to her since August ’07 (she was recycling kathy griffin jokes over the holidays and we mostly ignored each other) and it’s been awesome not having to deal with her stupid ass. I’m pretty much dancing on the inside all the time, with george m.’s “freedom” playing on repeat in my head.

I have to talk with her eventually, right? She’s my sister… and I watch enough of the Kardashians to know that sisters should be cooler than this. But how can I let such a dumbfuck into my life in any meaningful way and avoid all the drama and disaster she brings?

Please help me Mr. Harvey.


Sister with a Normal Name
(my parents stopped drugging by the time I was born)

Hey Sister with a Normal Name,

First off, there is no way in hell you should be letting a show about three hairy sisters, a busted cougar and a facially disabled Olympic decathlete step dad with an old man boner for the three hairy sisters tell you how to run your life. Turn the shit off. Kim Kardashian’s porn ass isn’t a beacon of hope.

Oh, S.W.A.N.N., you have my sympathies. I steal jokes, too and it must annoy the shit out of people. What can I say? I’m a hack. Hot props for avoiding her ass for leaving on her Kathy Griffin wig for too long. Nothing ruins a 4th of July picnic more than mosquitoes bearing West Nile virus and some squawky bitch imitating Kathy Griffin imitating Paula Abdul badly. I would have downed a lot of Coronas and shoot a bottle rocket off in her direction.

It sounds to me like Rainbow is one of those people who are just incredibly unhappy. And she was incredibly unhappy from the get-go. Maybe she has borderline personality disorder. Maybe something in her was restless from the beginning, and gnawed at her that she’s not who she’s supposed to be. Nothing is scarier than a person who can’t find happiness and is going to take it out on everyone around them. And maybe it’s that EFFED-UP name your ‘rents gave her. Dayum! I’d be jacking heroin and shooting at playgrounds if I had that name.

I would tell you to sit her ass down and have a long talk about how everyone perceives her. You know one of these soul-bearing talks where you’re like “Rain? Everyone hates you because you’re a twat. But I see that maybe there’s a good person inside the twat. Somewhere. I think? Let’s work on bringing her out.” But that’s not going to work because she’s a nightmare.

You don’t have to feel guilty about wanting to avoid your sis. It brings you peace and that’s rad. You can’t choose your family. And you DON’T need someone in your life that’s a destructive bitch. Yes, family is family. But not at the risk of your own well-being. She isn’t entitled to that. But you feel the need to connect with her. Biology sucks! I would just let her know the door is always open if she needs you, but that door isn’t a pet door for crabby tabbies. If she’s only going to be stank 24-7, stay the f*ck away. Spell this out for her ass. “Rainbow, I love you but I can’t deal with your crazy. I’m here for you if you ever need me, but I’m not your bitch.” And leave it at that. Can you record that when you say it? Because I need to her someone addressed as “Rainbow.”

And I’m serious when I say I think it’s the name. I would be straight-up evil if I had that name. I’d be one of those angel of death nurses who takes out old people in the rest home or a dentist if I had that name. I’d be Rainbow the PMSing Death Machine.

Please continue sending e-mails about people named Rainbow, Starshine, Goatsblood and Pupa to harvey.advice@gmail.com! I LOVE YOUR LETTERS!

Note to our readers, J. Harvey is in no way a counselor, advisor, professional, priest, or in any way qualified to be giving out advice. Please take it with a grain of salt and a sense of humor. In other words, don’t sue.