Unqualified with J. Harvey: A Ho Named Rainbow

April 22nd, 2008 // 6 Comments

Oh, you people need to hear this one. Meet “Sister with a Normal Name.” She’s got a problem with her sister. Rainbow. Even if this letter is total bullshit, I want to thank the person who let me write about a ho named Rainbow. Keep reading…

Sir Harvey,

Most people hear “twisted sister” and think of well-rolled joint or maybe mary-kate oh. But my sister is the most twisted of them all, Mr. Harvey.

My bitch sister’s actual name is Rainbow, I shit you not (eh, the ‘rents were high). But she is no sunshine and refracted light delight you might imagine a Rainbow would be. My mom really should have named her Raincloud. Better still, Hurricane. All the bitch ever does is try and destroy my life because she’s jealous– she’s admitted her jealousy a few times and it makes me feel guilty and gross. She’s also my older sister, but I’m more successful in work/relationships than she is, so it pisses her off. But it’s not my fault that I actually studied and graduated while she was “busy” piercing her face and dropping out. And I didn’t choose her cheating skeeze of a husband, either. I chose a badass man for myself and I’m happily engaged. My man hates my sister. All of my friends hate my sister. Even my mom only loves her because she sort of has to.

My sister is obnoxious. terribly phony. hateful. incredibly rude. To make matters worse, she’s completely unoriginal and only tells jokes she has stolen off of some tv show or movie. If I ever hear her rip off another Karen Walker line, my ears might bleed.

The PROBLEM is that I actually do love her. I haven’t spoken to her since August ’07 (she was recycling kathy griffin jokes over the holidays and we mostly ignored each other) and it’s been awesome not having to deal with her stupid ass. I’m pretty much dancing on the inside all the time, with george m.’s “freedom” playing on repeat in my head.

I have to talk with her eventually, right? She’s my sister… and I watch enough of the Kardashians to know that sisters should be cooler than this. But how can I let such a dumbfuck into my life in any meaningful way and avoid all the drama and disaster she brings?

Please help me Mr. Harvey.


Sister with a Normal Name
(my parents stopped drugging by the time I was born)

Hey Sister with a Normal Name,

First off, there is no way in hell you should be letting a show about three hairy sisters, a busted cougar and a facially disabled Olympic decathlete step dad with an old man boner for the three hairy sisters tell you how to run your life. Turn the shit off. Kim Kardashian’s porn ass isn’t a beacon of hope.

Oh, S.W.A.N.N., you have my sympathies. I steal jokes, too and it must annoy the shit out of people. What can I say? I’m a hack. Hot props for avoiding her ass for leaving on her Kathy Griffin wig for too long. Nothing ruins a 4th of July picnic more than mosquitoes bearing West Nile virus and some squawky bitch imitating Kathy Griffin imitating Paula Abdul badly. I would have downed a lot of Coronas and shoot a bottle rocket off in her direction.

It sounds to me like Rainbow is one of those people who are just incredibly unhappy. And she was incredibly unhappy from the get-go. Maybe she has borderline personality disorder. Maybe something in her was restless from the beginning, and gnawed at her that she’s not who she’s supposed to be. Nothing is scarier than a person who can’t find happiness and is going to take it out on everyone around them. And maybe it’s that EFFED-UP name your ‘rents gave her. Dayum! I’d be jacking heroin and shooting at playgrounds if I had that name.

I would tell you to sit her ass down and have a long talk about how everyone perceives her. You know one of these soul-bearing talks where you’re like “Rain? Everyone hates you because you’re a twat. But I see that maybe there’s a good person inside the twat. Somewhere. I think? Let’s work on bringing her out.” But that’s not going to work because she’s a nightmare.

You don’t have to feel guilty about wanting to avoid your sis. It brings you peace and that’s rad. You can’t choose your family. And you DON’T need someone in your life that’s a destructive bitch. Yes, family is family. But not at the risk of your own well-being. She isn’t entitled to that. But you feel the need to connect with her. Biology sucks! I would just let her know the door is always open if she needs you, but that door isn’t a pet door for crabby tabbies. If she’s only going to be stank 24-7, stay the f*ck away. Spell this out for her ass. “Rainbow, I love you but I can’t deal with your crazy. I’m here for you if you ever need me, but I’m not your bitch.” And leave it at that. Can you record that when you say it? Because I need to her someone addressed as “Rainbow.”

And I’m serious when I say I think it’s the name. I would be straight-up evil if I had that name. I’d be one of those angel of death nurses who takes out old people in the rest home or a dentist if I had that name. I’d be Rainbow the PMSing Death Machine.

Please continue sending e-mails about people named Rainbow, Starshine, Goatsblood and Pupa to harvey.advice@gmail.com! I LOVE YOUR LETTERS!

Note to our readers, J. Harvey is in no way a counselor, advisor, professional, priest, or in any way qualified to be giving out advice. Please take it with a grain of salt and a sense of humor. In other words, don’t sue.

By J. Harvey

  1. This sounds a lot like my sister. Except intentionally bitchier and not stealing lame jokes. I happily avoided her for close to 10 years. He hated me for having “all the breaks”. In reality we had the exact same chances, I just tend to make SANE choices.

    The lame part about this story is my sister was in a terrible accident a year and a half ago. Now she lives in a nursing home. I have guilt about this. The only thing she remembers is she hates my guts.. So really things have not changed much.

    You can pick friends but family is thrust upon you

  2. T-Bone

    Maybe your BIG sister has a BIG personality disorder. Look it up. You might find one that fits and it might explain a lot of things.

  3. b.SophiaLoren

    Good luck, Rainbow’s sister… if you are religious, you could pray for her & leave it @ that. My sister & I have gotten in physical punch-out, hair pullin’ knife fights. (We are not crazy, just passionate). Anyways, if someone came against us (like my mom) we’d usually unite. Just give it time. And maybe a a little of the ’70s grass. JK.
    Steve H., did you ever hear from the mom with the gay son & intolerable daddy? I just came out a yr ago, so I liked that story.

  4. G

    I’m not so sure. This chick says her sister actively tries to destroy her life, and then gives some great examples of Rainbow’s vindictive bitchery. Oh, wait. No she doesn’t. Instead, she spends a couple paragraphs talking about how annoying it is when Rainbow repeats lame-ass jokes she heard on TV. Are you kidding me? I think our letter writer is the mean one.

  5. Bleecker

    Oh, J., you are the one ray of sunshine in this crappy web site with links that make no sense in design or wording. I seriously wish this site had a link that would bring a reader to all the content written by you. It is TOO HARD to find your UnQualified columns and ANTM recaps with the site search. Sorry for dissing the hand that feeds you, but it’s all true.

    Anyway, great advice all around. Sis has a personality disorder, that much is certain. I endured 4 years with a roommate with this problem before moving out (I still have copies of the frequent 20-page e-mails written from the fires of hell she’d send to voice grievances), have a best friend whose sister is f*cking insane and is always throwing a fit and making everyone around her miserable, had to break up with a frienemy because of her insane jealousy and penchant to go to the “dark side” while drinking. As a result of all this crazy, I know that the best thing you can do for yourself when confronted with someone like Rainbow is cut off contact until the insane person acknowledges there is a problem and seeks help.

  6. Helen Skor

    This kind of drama makes me so glad that I have an older brother, not a sister. My friend and her sister have screaming arguments all the time, and when they start in on each other I feel like my head is going to explode. My brother and I have never had shouting matches – although we did routinely beat the crap out of each other when we were kids.

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