Unqualified With J. Harvey: Marie Needs To Shut The Hell Up

December 18th, 2007 // 7 Comments

Hey guys. Happy Holidays and all that mess. It’s time once more to help someone in need. This poor individual has written in to complain about a loudass co-worker. Join me, won’t you?

Dear J,

How do you deal with the ever annoying co-worker who MUST come talk in all conversations (no matter if the conversations are with a friend or the boss) and constantly pops by your cube when you’re obviously busy.
Oh, and who always turns the conversation into something about themselves (their health is bad, their cat is probably hungry, they got cut off by an angry driver, blah blah blah) and has a voice you can hear 40 cubicles away, so whatever you’re talking about the entire floor of the company gets to hear.

I’ve taken to wearing headphones at work so I can tune this person out and keep them from popping into my cube and talking to me. (They see the headphones and keep walking… it’s a good deterrent but I miss listening to my coworkers gab at times and have missed people asking me questions that pertain to my job).

Please help!!!

‘reaching for the headphones in the office’

I’m already feeling irritated for this person. Keep reading because I’m about to get cranky.

Dear ‘reaching for the headphones in the office’,

God, I feel for you because I have been in this exact situation. My advice? Get shitfaced at an office party and tell this donkey what’s what. Ok, you probably can’t do that. But if you REALLY want this to stop you need to nut up and face it head-on. Concerning her always talking about herself, you could start asking really, really personal questions. Like “what kind of tampon do you use” and “has your husband always been faithful to you” and “if I ever get arrested for soliciting, will you bail me out, Marie”? Just freak her ass out so she stops coming by. Hopefully she doesn’t respond to it and thinks you’re intimate buddies. That would indicate she’s a completely clueless crazy, and you need to step it up by telling her you once murdered a man in Reno just to watch him die. That whole thing with her always coming by your cubicle? Be straight up. Don’t use headphones. Just be like “Marie, I’m sorry to interrupt you, but I’m REALLY busy. (Insert your manager’s name here) needs this report by 3. Sorry.” And do that every single time she tries to approach your cubicle. And scatter papers everywhere so this rude ho thinks you’re swamped. If this happens enough times, she’ll either A) get the picture and realize you can’t stand her ass or B) think you’re super employee, leave you alone and tell your boss what a hard worker you are. And as for her volume problem, here’s a question. Do you trust your boss? If ya do – take them aside and say “I’m not trying to mess with anyone, but Marie is REALLY, REALLY loud.” A cool boss will do their job and sit Marie down for a little conference about her friggin’ noise and keep you out of it. If your boss is a douche, you need to snap one day and just say “Marie, SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Ok, don’t say that. Do you like how I’ve named her “Marie”. It just seemed like her name.

Please continue to send your…damn just send money because I need to afford Christmas presents… to harvey.advice@gmail.com! I love your e-mails!

Note to our readers, J. Harvey is in no way a counselor, advisor, professional, priest, or in any way qualified to be giving out advice. Please take it with a grain of salt and a sense of humor. In other words, don’t sue.

By J. Harvey

  1. Therese

    i think thats great advice, you’re not as unqualified as you think

  2. Bill Cosby

    I would just bring a massive cucumber to work and everytime she came up to my cube I would start wailing on myself with the cucumber and let out the most massive queefs until she left. If that doesn’t work, cut said cucumber and start putting slices in her salad.

  3. Ldysunfyre

    Holy Christ that’s funny, Bill Cosby…sick, but funny…

  4. A

    ha, that made my whole christmas cause a woman i work with is the EXACT same.. my gm once told her “let me tell you a story about a man named shush” she was pissed but shut up for two days so it was almost worth it!

  5. Helen Skor

    I sit in a double cubicle (which is basically two desks in one cube). My cube-mate is this 67 year old religious zealot who talks all day long just to hear his own voice. He leaves me along now, for the most part though . . . I told him that I was too busy and had to be off-limits for personal converations between the hours of 8:30 AM and 4:30 PM (he only works from 9:00 to 1:00)

  6. peachpie

    for the love of god, please tell me the rest of the ‘shush’ story. i have someone in my office who needs to freakin’ hear that story if it’ll shut her up for 2 whole days! bliss…….

  7. circuslion

    How can her name be “Marie” when clearly this person is writing about my former colleague, “Dori.”

    Not only was she a loud talker, and a close talker, Dori was also a super heavy smoker during the day and a super heavy drinker of cheap beer at night. As an added bonus, she brandished an exhuberant disregard for even the most basic forms of hygiene. The combined effect caused her breath to resemble diesel exhaust emissions into my cubicle… which is why we secretly nicknamed her “Tailpipe.” Tailpipe would waddle her fat ass up and down the hall loudly bellowing, guffawing, swearing, and well, just being a Marie. Ok, now I hate Marie AND Dori. Let’s all have a drink and let the healing begin.

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