Unqualified With J. Harvey: Sleeping Beauty

August 13th, 2008 // 8 Comments

Last week we found out what a “mall comfort room” was and how you could have lots of secluded gay sex in one. The lonely youth in question took my (and your) advice and is hanging in there. He even commented back! Look how Socialite Life and (Unqualified with J. Harvey in particular) can bring the human race together. We’re all friends over this completely anonymous and sketchy bandwith!  Over stories of gay guys having sex in malls, men with pervy fetishes involving scissors and clothes, and women with gas problems.

Anyway, this chick’s husband needs to get his ass out of bed. Keep reading.

Last week we found out what a “mall comfort room” was and how you could have lots of secluded gay sex in one. The lonely youth in question took my (and your) advice and is hanging in there. He even commented back! Look how Socialite Life and (Unqualified with J. Harvey in particular) can bring the human race together. We’re all friends over this completely anonymous and sketchy bandwith!  Over stories of gay guys having sex in malls, men with pervy fetishes involving scissors and clothes, and women with gas problems.Anyway, this chick’s husband needs to get his ass out of bed.  Dear J.,My husband is a wonderful guy.  I mean, he has his issues, most guys do.  But for the most part he’s really sweet and loving, he helps with the kids to the best of his ability, he’s even supporting l’il ole jobless me while I go back to school.  There’s just one problem.  The man CANNOT get out of bed in the morning.  He’s supposed to be at work at 6 in the morning, but he never leaves the house before 6:30 at the earliest.  Hell, he’s never out of bed before 6.  I have to get up at 4 to start waking him, work on him ’til he gets up, then deal with two toddlers when they get up around 7.  Between putting the kids to bed at night and trying to do homework I seldom get to sleep before midnight, I’m exhausted.We have tried different alarms, sleeping pills, doctors.  I’ve dumped water or frozen BB pellets over him.  I’ve physically dragged his ass out of bed (and he doesn’t cooperate).  Nothing works, it takes hours of hard work to get him up and off to work each morning.  And he can be fairly rude during the process.  He’s called me some pretty harsh names, told me to lay off, ignored all reminders that he was already late.I know part of the problem is a history of insomnia and depression, and part is due to basic hard work, so I feel terrible about complaining, but this starts more fights in our house than anything but money.  He’s lucky he hasn’t lost his job over it, and I need my sleep, I’m too young for bags under my eyes.  What do I do?Bag LadyDear Bag Lady (unfortunate name),This is a tough one. I even tried to do some research. And I’m not that great at that.  I spent most of my college years in the computer lab reading gay porn stories and trying to get the rest of the school newspaper staff to put that f*cking paper to bed so we could go drink many pitchers of beer.You sound like you’ve gone to every extreme to wake his ass up. Cold water and frozen BB pellets? First off – what’s the BB gun for? Are you people shooting squirrels? Secondly, that cold water trick would have caused me to hurl your ass out a window. Don’t do that again. Bad stuff.Though, if he’s calling you harsh names, feel free.You mean well, and you realize that his job is what’s keeping the family afloat while you go back to school and get a job to make money on your own so he’s not the sole breadwinner. You guys made a bargain, and him putting his job in jeopardy by being tardy everyday puts that bargain in danger.Trust me. I know about the tardiness issue. I’ve never been on time to work in my life, and people notice. My normal response was an eye roll and playing with my unshaven face. Which is probably why I no longer work in an office. I understand dude’s need for sleep.He sounds like he’s totally depressed. Been there, done that. When you’re depressed, sleep is your best friend. You don’t have to think of all the bad shit and hopelessness in your life when you’re in a ZZZ coma. It’s not your fault that he’s that way. It sounds like a combination of brain chemistry betrayal and the stress he’s under.Sit Narcoleptic Dude down for a sec and have a heart-to-heart. Explain how you feel. Don’t get all accusey. Remind him you love him. And maybe suggest he see someone to perhaps get some meds to regulate his moods and sleep? And for the insomnia? Tell him you’re scared about your family staying afloat if he loses his job.Assure him you’re with him, and stress that whole family unit blah blah blah thing. You know the drill.Readers, any other ideas for Sleeping Beauty?Please keep sending your tales of nighttime and morning woe to harvey.advice@gmail.com! I love your e-mails!Please note that J. Harvey is not a childcare specialist, priest, therapist, counselor, or even a good listener. In other words, don’t sue.

By J. Harvey
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  1. Bill Cosby

    She should rouse him with some serious skulling. Dude’ll coat her throat with his slimy ropes and be bright eyed and bushytailed.
    She shouldn’t brush her teeth until afterwards, though.

  2. stolidog

    Is this woman Teri Garr reliving her marriage from Close Encounters?

  3. OC Trophy Wife

    Sounds like he might need to go to sleep earlier and make sure he’s getting enough quality sleep.

    With one BF I felt I had to pester him. But he would fight me and he said I was making it worse by pestering him. So we had a serious talk and we figured he needed an earlier bed time.

    I stopped pestering him in the mornings. Instead I would tell him until I knew he heard me that it was time to wake up. Then I would start my own day. Turn on the morning news (noise and the realization that the world is up)… exercise… take a shower (smell of soap is a great pick-me-up)… make breakfast (ahhh… the smell of food and coffee). At some point he would get out of bed himself.

    He adjusted to the new times pretty quickly. I hope his new GF appreciates the training.

  4. Picky B

    OC Trophy Wife…I seriously love your comments on Unqualified. Have you thought about your own advice column? :) (You’re still my main advice guru, though, J. — love you!)

  5. Pam

    Sounds like he needs to see a doctor for a physical to rule out any health problems first. He may have sleep apnea, where you stop breathing for a few seconds several times a night. You also feel more tired when you wake up than when you went to bed.

  6. Zekers

    I’d definitely push for counseling, first of all. Secondly, does he have to work 1st shift? Maybe 2nd shift would be better? My husband used to do the same thing-his mother told me to throw an ice cold wet washcloth on his head…and run like hell. That worked but it didn’t really solve the problem because I was still be responsible for him, so I just let him suffer the consequences of getting up late and that seems to have ‘cured’ him. But, as I said, yours sounds like he is in need of counseling…good luck to you! One more piece of advise, don’t put yourself in the position of being responsible for him. You are not his mother, but the mother of toddlers-don’t be a martyr!

  7. Bleecker

    I also hate getting up in the morning and like my own advice touchstone, J. Harvey, have very rarely been to work on time. Getting up is a bitch, but it’s something every responsible adult needs to do. Zekers was right on when she said that Bag Lady needs to stop being responsible for her husband. J.’s advice about the frank talk was right on too. Baggy needs to break it down for her lazy-ass husband and stop treating him like her third child. Tell him to get the f*ck up, on his own, or else. I don’t know, are ultimatums called for in this kind of situation? Counseling probably couldn’t hurt either. It’s a respect issue–respect of his partner and respect for himself, respect for his boss and his job.

    Boy, am I ever rambling.

  8. OC Trophy Wife

    Thanks Picky B! My friends have told me I should have an advice column. And I thought about it until I came across the brilliance that is J. Harvey. Game over. J. is the king of loving snarkiness.

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