“Unqualified with J. Harvey”

October 24th, 2007 // 29 Comments

Hey gang! J. Harvey here! And welcome to the first edition of my brandy-new advice column! Where I’m sure to ruin many, many lives! Here’s where you get to tell a completely unqualified person about your deepest and most distressing personal problems and have that person give you advice which is sure to possibly lead you astray or at the very least, in jail! And with that, let’s get to our first letter!

Dearest J. Harvey,

I have a tiny problem. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years and our love life sucks. Everything else is great but I just don’t want to “do the deed” and I don’t know why. I love him and I want to be with him but sex just isn’t something I think about anymore…and I’m not really sure why. For me it’s a tiny problem…for him…more like an essential part to our relationship. I can’t have pity sex, or sex just to make him happy cause that’s just not my thing. What ever do I do?

Erica

I’ve been there before. Despite being a fully functioning sexual being, you’re just not feeling it. Something about his tighty whities, or the nose picking or the lack of visible abs has totally killed your vaginal instincts towards him. Maybe you want to sleep with OTHER guys but not the one you love? What does that mean? Were you hurt years ago and learned never to associate sex with love? Hmm? My solution? Get drunk. Let me tell you this, a solid line of martinis can ease you right back into his pants. Booze brings out the slut in all of us. You’ll be surprised at how good he looks through wavy lines of trashedness. Get a bottle of wine and go to town. And if that isn’t doing it – maybe you two need to talk to someone or have that kind of relationship wherein you f*ck other people but are each other’s date for weddings. Sex is an important part of a relationship but it isn’t the only part. Ok, it is but we all gotta settle down sometime and he’s a nice guy it sounds like. You might have to throw his some oral once in awhile. Yeah, I said it.

Wow. That wasn’t so bad! My first piece of advice! God, she’s gonna become a drunk. Please continue to send your questions, stories, dirty pictures, and wedding proposals to harvey.advice@gmail.com!

Note to our readers, J. Harvey is in no way a counselor, advisor, professional, priest, or in any way qualified to be giving out advice. Please take it with a grain of salt and a sense of humor. In other words, don’t sue.

By J. Harvey
  1. krystyn

    Dear J Harvey

    Now my boyfriend is mad that the only time we have sex, I have to be drunk…now what? LMMFAO!

  2. sassy

    Oh my goodness. I just asked my friend about this. I am in the same situation. This man loves the crap out of me and has given me a ring. I love him and want to be with him but, I am not passionate about him and could care less about sex with him. I need help too. Guess I will be getting drunk tonight after antm.

  3. T-Bone

    Love it — “Unqualified with J Harvey”.

    This was definitely a tough first submission, but I think this happens to the best of us. Or maybe it doesn’t? I don’t know, does it? Readers????

  4. america G

    Fuuny advise. But it is so true just get a little tipsy a go for it. Been with my boyfriend 4 years. Wedding June 21 08. WOW HUH

  5. Jinxy McDeath

    [b]You’ll be surprised at how good he looks through wavy lines of trashedness[/b]

    F Dr.Phil, I love you J. Harvey!

  6. Momo

    Anyone who experience that should look into maybe changing their birth control pill. The same thing happened to me in my last relationship, and after I stopped taking the pills I got my libido back (lol, sounds funny). Anyhow, try that, it worked for me. But make sure you’re using some other kind of protection. Here’s an article: http://www.epigee.org/guide/pill_sex.html

  7. cdawg

    omg i thought i was the only girl in the world with this problem! and i have been using the same birth control pill for six years so I don’t think it’s a problem like that. maybe i should just try a new pill?

  8. green cardigan

    Good job JH.

    Yeah, I’ve been there. I love my other half, he’s the measure of my dreams as Shane sang, but there are times when the cigarette breath and nose hair just don’t do it for me. Thing is when you are with someone for a long ime, that’s all you end up seeing. So what I did, (after my line of martinis) I looked at himand said ‘if I just met him, would I be interested?’ and the answer was ‘yes’. Great eyes and smile and charm .

    So if your answer to this question is yes,knock back the martinis girl, and get down to business!

  9. T-Bone

    Hell, I don’t want to touch anyone, ever… Is that wrong?

  10. green cardigan

    Lie down on JH’s couch T-Bone, he’ll answer all :)

  11. Dan Savage

    Watch it Harvey! You do not want to get on the wrong side of the gay mafia. You have snarky gossip, I have advice columns. I have commitment, you have the rest of the man candy. Stick to your side of the web and we’re cool. Capice!

    (unofficially, I loved the column.)

  12. Jeanie

    my libido died a few years ago and I definitely blame birth control. Right now I’m on Depo prevera which is a shot that last three months. There’s a lot of side effects for me, so I’m getting off it and birth control all together for a while. Reading Playboy and watching porn helps in the meantime.

  13. rootabega

    HAHAHAHAA J Harvey look at all the freaks you brought out! keep it up!!

  14. Mikey Boy

    For some reason the only way me and my bf can have sex is if I picture J.Harvey! Is that bad?

  15. rootabega

    Me too Mikey Boy!

  16. What Rootabega

    I think you misspelled your name.

    It should be RUDEabega!

  17. green cardigan

    rootabega – yeah, it must be great to be perfect. Tell us about it sometime.

  18. rootabega

    wow! sensitive! its called a sense of humor, i highly recommend it.

  19. green cardigan

    rootabega – as a matter of interest, do people generally laugh when you call them freaks, in your opinion?

  20. stubette

    Are you people kidding? You’re really making serious posts about this? Although I worship J. and find him hysterical, take it with a grain of salt “freaks!”

  21. RUDEabega

    ok, i apologize, you’re right. i meant freak in a good way! im a complete freak.. ok ill shut up now

  22. sexyback

    Jinxy’s right… you totally mopped the floor with Dr. Phil!

    Ladies, don’t disregard the advise about your birth control, though… Even the Nuva Ring can mess up your state of mind–it’s not just the pills.

  23. rodney

    Yeah Stubette!

  24. Lezbot

    I think you guys all need to breathe and take another look at J’s disclaimer. TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN, or in this case, a pillar of salt. You are too funny, J

  25. green cardigan

    Ok, i’m still here (pretending to work late).

    I think JH’s post was a good laugh, just a bit of fun and I hope it continues, but someone coming on and posting with nothing to say or add, except to call the other posters ‘freaks’ just hit a nerve.
    Maybe I’m just tired and cranky today, or maybe I need to change my birth control, it’s messing with my happy vibe!

  26. stubette

    Time to call it a day, green cardigan!

  27. rootabega

    do us all a favor and punch the timeclock, green cardy!

  28. Jackie

    lol, I’ll let my boyfriend know that tonight is Booze & Sex night! XD

  29. T-Bone

    I’m with Green. J Harvey’s advice column is supposed to be funny, yes, but I think we all know that the situations can be very real as well. The situation posted here happens to be very real for some. So yeah — laugh and write in funny stuff. But also be smart enough to know when someone is writing something serious and try to be respectful.

Leave A Comment