“Unqualified with J. Harvey”
Hey gang! J. Harvey here! And welcome to the first edition of my brandy-new advice column! Where I’m sure to ruin many, many lives! Here’s where you get to tell a completely unqualified person about your deepest and most distressing personal problems and have that person give you advice which is sure to possibly lead you astray or at the very least, in jail! And with that, let’s get to our first letter!
Dearest J. Harvey,
I have a tiny problem. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years and our love life sucks. Everything else is great but I just don’t want to “do the deed” and I don’t know why. I love him and I want to be with him but sex just isn’t something I think about anymore…and I’m not really sure why. For me it’s a tiny problem…for him…more like an essential part to our relationship. I can’t have pity sex, or sex just to make him happy cause that’s just not my thing. What ever do I do?
I’ve been there before. Despite being a fully functioning sexual being, you’re just not feeling it. Something about his tighty whities, or the nose picking or the lack of visible abs has totally killed your vaginal instincts towards him. Maybe you want to sleep with OTHER guys but not the one you love? What does that mean? Were you hurt years ago and learned never to associate sex with love? Hmm? My solution? Get drunk. Let me tell you this, a solid line of martinis can ease you right back into his pants. Booze brings out the slut in all of us. You’ll be surprised at how good he looks through wavy lines of trashedness. Get a bottle of wine and go to town. And if that isn’t doing it – maybe you two need to talk to someone or have that kind of relationship wherein you f*ck other people but are each other’s date for weddings. Sex is an important part of a relationship but it isn’t the only part. Ok, it is but we all gotta settle down sometime and he’s a nice guy it sounds like. You might have to throw his some oral once in awhile. Yeah, I said it.
Wow. That wasn’t so bad! My first piece of advice! God, she’s gonna become a drunk. Please continue to send your questions, stories, dirty pictures, and wedding proposals to firstname.lastname@example.org!
Note to our readers, J. Harvey is in no way a counselor, advisor, professional, priest, or in any way qualified to be giving out advice. Please take it with a grain of salt and a sense of humor. In other words, don’t sue.