Ugly Betty: Burqua Bitch Revealed!

Previously – Daniel got his ass handed to him on live television when Salma and her tatters revealed she had manipulated him into proposing to her for a cover story for her new magazine.

The Suarez clan is chowing down at a Tex-Mex restaurante. Betty seems to be wearing some sort of hideous off the shoulder peasant dress. They are all commiserating about Betty’s no longer working at MYW or Mode. Justin misses the swag. Hilda rolls up, screaming that Herbaluxe (the products she sells) has been shut down due to women going bald from their products. Specifically, their hand cream, Yikes. I’m suing. Justin suggests that now that they’re all unemployed maybe Oprah can adopt them. Or build them a school, or show them how to deal with Rachel Ray making racist remarks about them whilst drunk in a mall restaurant. Hilda is freaking about her bills, and when Betty brings up Mode – Hilda shuts her down. She reminds her that at least she has a job. Which Betty illustrates when someone calls for chips. At which time she takes the salsa and chips from the middle of the table and put them on her head as they’re in a sombrero. The peasant dress is because she’s a waitress now. And walks around with chips and salsa on her damn head. That’s mortifying. Does this place exist? I need to check it out.

Vanessa Williams and Burqua Bitch are in the basement with some roughneck, who hands over the evidence pointing to Bradford Meade as the one who set up the accident that killed Fey Sommers. Fey Sommers, who I initially thought was Burqua Bitch but wait til’ ya see the end of this friggin’ episode. There was pearl-clutching and gasps and I haven’t been that TV shocked since I found out that the little bald dude was Jack’s brother over on 24. And before that it was when Sydney woke up in Hong Kong two years later on Alias! I should leave my house and maybe get some fresh air. Anyway, blah blah blah, if this evidence is given to the police it will assure that Burqua Bitch can take over and Vanessa can run Mode. Burqua advises her to axe anyone at Mode that they can’t trust.

Hilda is getting toe up on margaritas at Chi-Chi’s or whatever the place is called. She asks Betty aka chip chip girl to fake a resume for her. Betty informs her that she has to get to Daniel’s so she can prepare for his homecoming from Rio. Someone needs to cut the cord, jesus. Hilda’s all you don’t work for him anymore and it’s decided that Betty is the sweetest thing ever. Or madly in love with a man who will never pry beyond the polyester to see those boobies. Whatevs.

More Ugly Betty, after the jump.

Written by J. Harvey

Vanessa and Mark plan future staffing post corporate takeover via Polaroids. Mark insists that when he is her new assistant, he needs a new chair because this “bum don’t slum”. Vanessa says that’s not what she heard. HAH! Vanessa Williams should write this column. They deliberate whether or not to keep Christina. They agree she’s a talented seamstress but they can’t understand a word she says. Mark illustrates his ignorance by mimicking someone’s who’s actually British, so he’s a damn moron. Vanessa says Amanda’s out because she’s obviously still in love with Danielle. Mark tries to go to bat for her and Vanessa comments that “aw, you’ll miss your little beard, how cute.” Vanessa Williams HAS to write this column. Vanessa says that unless Amanda proves her loyalty than she’s out. And can I just say in advance that Amanda is way better at an Emily Blunt assistant character than Emily Blunt? Thanks, I knew you thought so too.

The D-List has come to Fashion TV as your faghag and mine Kathy Griffin guest-stars as their latest commentator. Hot. I wish she would break into some sort of monologue about how f*cked up Mariah Carey is or explain why she let her husband rip her ass off and then faked that they were still married for her second season on Bravo. I have many questions. Anyway, Daniel is watching this from a pile of take-out Chinese boxes and dirty underwear in his apartment. He obviously never went to Rio. And I bet even his dirty underwear smells likes John Varitos for Men because cute guys never smell. That’s not true, but I’m locked in a fantasy right now. Anyway, Betty shows up and Daniel hides. And she hears something, and notices it looks like someone’s been squatting or something. She readies her rape whistle (she SERIOUSLY has nothing to worry about or a need for that whistle with that wardrobe) and flies into the closet with a tennis racket poised for battle. Daniel is cowering in the closet, dirty and disheveled. And I think it’s obvious what him hiding in the closet is a metaphor for, but I’m not going to say anything.

Daniel admits he never went to Rio. And Betty’s all but you sent me postcards saying you had to go it was lambada time. And was that an actual thing? Lambada? Was it really a dance or just something soft-core porn producers made up to try and break into the mainstream with hastily assembled “sexy” lambada films? Remember there was like four at once back in the late 80’s/early 90’s? Lambada is beyond me. I am gratified to see what looks like an old school KFC bucket on Daniel’s bureau. He has great taste in death food. Anyway, Betty and Daniel go back and forth about how he needs to go back into the office. Mostly because Fashion Week is coming up. It is, it’s next week and tune in to A Socialite’s Life for some hot coverage. Yes, that was a plug. Suck it up; I need more page views so I can get a raise. Anyway, Daniel gives Betty her job back and explains there can be two assistants – Betty AND Amanda. Oh, that should go over well. Amanda’s the kind of woman who will beat a hoe down in an elevator. Do you really think she’s into some kind of 9 to 5 Lily Tomlin/Jane Fonda-inspired job sharing program? Really? You crazy.

Betty’s dressed for work and Papi is making cupcakes for Lil’ Gay Justin’s math teach, cuz’ he’s working a D. Man, this kid’s life track mirrors mine almost exactly. Now all he has to do is start getting drunk and go on line to meet men and he’s me! Hilda shows off two whore tops for her job interviews. Seriously, hookers in Siberia might be sporting these if they had gotten their faces slashed by an angry pimp and were working the downest dive bars imaginable. Hilda reminds them that her resume is a barren wasteland lack of skills, so they tell her to go with the purple one. Betty fills Hilda in that her chickens are done (nipples are showing) and Hilda is fully aware. They have a brief conversation about Henry the dorky accountant that Hilda axed behind Betty’s back. Hilda is still backing Walter in the race for Betty’s Boo. I don’t know why? Free plasma?

Daniel strolls to work, rocking the orangest fake tan since Jay Manuel showed up for the first time on ANTM. He’s trying to be confident but everywhere he turns there’s a picture of Sofia and him and her new magazine cover. Even a little old lady notices him and says she’s sorry. Heh. The little old lady extra should write this column. Daniel and Betty meet up and he makes her climb the stairs all the way to their floor so he can avoid a possible meeting with Sofia’s tits in the lift.

Vanessa’s measuring Daniel’s office for the takeover when Mark’s gay ass flies in to tell them that Daniel’s back. Everyone lines up to greet him. Daniel leaves orange mystic tan handprints on Vanessa’s back. Daniel tells them that Betty is back to stay. Mark mentions that she looks like a piñata and that they should swing a bat at her. That bitch is fully evil. Daniel meets with Betty and Amanda, and Amanda takes the opportunity to assert that she’s in charge.

Hilda has much the same luck as I have when I job-hunt and don’t offer oral. Doors are slammed in her face left and right. Even the job to be chip chip girl at Happy Hacienda has been filled. Probably because Betty had it so people know it’s going places. Oh, and Hilda gets the bright idea to market Papi’s cupcakes. Is this frigging I Love Laquita?

Amanda sorts Daniel’s mail according to which ass he should kiss, who should be kissing his ass, and who has a really big ass. Ugly Betty, ya’ll. All of the magazines in his mail are about his Sofia humiliation. Betty notices he’s going fetal and convinces him that he needs to get back out there. She decides to set up a date for him. Hasn’t this bitch interfered enough?

Betty exits, while Amanda is what looks like getting to masturbate over herself in her make-up mirror. Seriously, she’s tossing her hair around and smiling at herself and it’s total foreplay. Later, Betty’s paging through what looks like In Touch Weekly to try and find a suitable date for Daniel. Christina shoots down the suggestion of Tara Reid by telling Betty he’d have to visit the free clinic the next morning. HAH! Christina should…yeah, you get the drift. Christina tells Betty to simply call Gisele’s rep and set up a dinner date. She’s all, how do you think Tom and Kate met? Actress of fair-to-middling popularity seeks short, gay, looney tunes, religious fanatic sugar daddy to fake a baby with. No smokers please. They hit upon Giselle Bundchen. Can she speak English? Probably doesn’t matter. Betty notices a new dress in Christina’s sewing area. It’s a Christina original, and it turns out she applies to be in the Mode fashion show every year for Fashion Week and gets turned down. Betty thinks this new design could get her in. Christina doesn’t think so and says that Vanessa Williams is never going to die. It’s true, she’s ageless.
Hilda bursts in, interrupting Papi’s telenovela of the afternoon. Which appears to be featuring a woman in a neck brace and wheelchair up on a stripper’s stage and menacing the pole dancer and her boyfriend. What show is that? I would DVR that shit! She has sold “Grandma Suarez”‘s cupcakes to a bakery. They need 100 by 5 AM. Wow. She’s going to be the Latina Mrs. Field’s. Honestly, it’s a loftier goal than I’ve ever had.

Amanda has a desk for Betty. It’s like Mode’s version of what a third-grader’s desk should look like. It’s on wheels and has a stool. Amanda mentions she can also sell pretzels from it on her lunch break. Hee. She rolls her right into Daniel’s Dad who is looking as foreboding as ever. He’s there to bitchslap Daniel for taking off for two weeks and reminding him to call his Mom sometime as she’s already lost one son. Ouchie. And this is foreshadowing.

Amanda catches onto the Giselle Bundchen initiative and complains to Mark. Mark tells her to wheel Betty and Mark right out the window, which is murder but this is Mode so that probably flies. Mark fills her in that she needs to show her loyalty to the queen. Not Mark, though. Vanessa Williams. Hey, they made that joke. I didn’t but it was funny. Mark shows her the board of Polaroid career disaster.

Amanda notes that her hair looks terrible, too stupid to realize at first that this board and her being in the “Out” column spells Mode disaster for job sitch. Mark tells her if she doesn’t screw over Daniel it’s “later, skater” for her ass. Betty talks up Daniel about tonight’s date with Gisele “Blame Parents For Anorexia” Bundchen.

Amanda and Mark are seemingly doing no work at all today, as they skulk across the building acting stank. Amanda’s bitching about how she witnessed Daniel asking Betty for dating tips. Which is comparative to asking “Britney Spears for parenting tips”. Ouch, burn on Britney. And completely true, could she pick her kids out of a line-up? Doubtful. Mark gets serious and tells her that Daniel will ALWAYS take Betty’s advice over hers. And she’s devastated but it’s true. She picks her side, and posing as Betty calls Gisele’s office and cancels the date. Daniel will show up for the date and get stood up in front of the paparazzi, only adding to his current humiliation. Evil snatch!

Daniel arrives for the date, and paparazzi are actually IN THE WINDOW snapping away. Does that really happen? I’d be tossing silverware at bitches if someone were working their flashbulbs as I’m trying to eat my gnocchi. Back at the Suarez residence, Hilda has seriously created a sweatshop by employing the elderly Asian woman from the neighborhood who speaks no English to help with cupcakes as well as her son and her father. Papi’s wearing a hairnet and tells Betty that Hilda told him to walk off a shooting pain in his arm. Someone’s Kathie Lee Gifford. Betty gets a call from a frantic and dateless Daniel, what a shock, and has to go meet him. At the restaurant, this seriously hot beefy waiter in a tight turtleneck tries to take the opposing chair and Daniel won’t let him. Betty shows up and cadges herself some free food by explaining that Gisele “Anorexia is Obviously Caused by Bad Parenting” Bundchen won’t be showing up. So Betty has to pose as his dinner date so the paps don’t know just how sad he is.

Mark and Amanda are having this total The People Vs Larry Flynt photo session and she’s whipping A LOT of hair around. All this trouble just for one Polaroid. Betty and Daniel’s date ends and they escape the paparazzi and Betty didn’t want her snails so Daniel thinks they should get a slice. What is happening here? Are they really getting them together? Shouldn’t this be happening in maybe the season finale of the 2nd season? Vanessa tells Burqua Bitch that all they need is someone to deliver the evidence of Bradford Meade’s involvement in Fey Sommers’ death to the police so no one is connected to them. Vanessa thinks of Christina. She goes to Christina’s clothing arena and lays on some venom which Christina isn’t buying. She’s basically hinting that if Christina does her a favor, she can get her designs into the Mode Fashion Week show. Fuck you, Vanessa Williams! People aren’t chess pieces!

Meanwhile. Betty and Daniel are at a karaoke pizza parlor. I can’t think of a worse combination in an establishment. BBQ Ceramics? Daniel fills Betty in on how she should go for Nerdy Henry the Accountant. There’s a whole back and forth, but the tension is there between these two. Daniel keeps wishing he could zap the wig and the braces and the unibrow. Betty makes them sing karaoke and I’m unimpressed. I Got You Babe? And it becomes a montage of all the characters on their own little storylines but it doesn’t fit!
Oh, and Burqua Bitch’s bandages are coming off.

Hilda comes home with her first check for $180 dollars. Which Papi tells her means they are already $200 in debt. Ouch. Hilda decides to make them herself. Betty and Daniel are up on some bridge somewhere flirting terribly. Seriously, what the hell is going on? They discuss his dead brother, and how he lived for risk and died in a skiing accident. Daniel fills Betty in on the fact that Henry the Accountant probably wasn’t actually kissing that model at the Christmas party. And Daniel tells her Betty is better than any model. Oh for Christ’s sake, we need to spice up this episode. Wait til’ the end, though.

Betty walks in and kinda calls Hilda on her cupcakes delusion. And Hilda has a flip fit about how she’s 30 with a kid and no job skills. Yeah, that’s scary. And that’s me. With no kid. That I know. God help me if I was a parent. The kid would know which vodka to order but probably wouldn’t be able to read. Amanda sees Betty’s photos in Page Six or whatever and is all jealous. Betty makes Daniel start taking the elevator because she’s about to keel over because there is no elliptical machine in the Suarez household.

Christina makes like Anakin Skywalker and gives into the dark side of the Force. She takes a package from Vanessa to deliver. No, Christina, no! Scrub, Christina, scrub! Amanda gives Betty the assistant job back fully. And she’s off the dark side of Vanessa William’s vagina as well.

And we end with the best twist yet. Ya know how I always thought Burqua Bitch was Fey Sommers in hiding? Uh, no. It’s Rebecca Romaine playing Alexis Meade. Alexis Meade, previously ALEX Meaded. Daniel’s supposedly dead brother who just had a sex change. No, really. Gasp! Clutch the pearls! She and Zarf from All My Children need their own show.

Next – I assume things get transgendery and intriguey during Fashion Week.