Torn Between Two Fine Ass Men

August 6th, 2007 // 17 Comments

We should all have this bitch’s problem. Despite reports that she was once again entertaining Jake Gyllenhaal’s spandex goodness in her automobile and home, sources are saying that she’s trying to make things work with her cherubic sex god ex-husband, Ryan Phillipe. This chick has it all. Movie career, beautiful children, and two hot guys interested in her. Why doesn’t she just win the lottery or ascend to godhood? I’m a hater.

The Oscar-winning cutie and her husband – who separated last October amid reports he’d grown very close to comely Australian actress Abbie Cornish – have been spotted shopping, jogging and lunching together in Los Angeles.

“They met for lunch this week at the Votre Sante health-food restaurant, a regular Brentwood haunt for Reese on San Vicente,” said our source. “And they’re going on runs together around the Brentwood Country Club. Both are regular, dedicated runners. Running is a very healing, meditative thing, so maybe it will work its magic on them.”

Honestly, I see people out running lately in August’s 9,000 heat and I don’t feel like it’s magic. I feel like some of these freaks’ brains are boiling in their skulls and they’re going to start bleeding out their eyes. Physically fit people are crazy. Have a drink. That works wonders, too. Anyway, a friend of Reese’s confirms they’re hanging. Phillipe’s rep flat out denied it. So that Ryan can tongue-lash any new piece that comes along while hanging with Reese and then can deny there was a try at getting back together. As for Gyllenhaal, sources say he has a hot ass and sexy hound dog eyes and needs to call me.


By J. Harvey

  1. Zekers

    What a great problem to have!

  2. T-Bone

    I’d take Jake G. over Ryan whatever his name is ANY DAY, if it weren’t for the whole marriage and kids thing. Marriage and kids should be the priority.

  3. LoRider

    There is a better chance of Jake hooking up with Ryan than Reese. At best, Reese is Jake’s hag. Queer as a football bat. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Ride Lo

  4. T-Bone

    So we’ve heard, LoRider. But where’s the proof? Couldn’t he just be one of those sweet, sensitive types?

  5. green cardigan

    Those eyes on Jake Gyllenhag would be enough to turn any woman off. If I saw them looking at me, I’d have to fight the urge to throw a bone and pat his head.

  6. T-Bone

    Green — I think Jake is charming and darling. But your comment made me laugh.

  7. green cardigan

    And I happen to like Labradors. Just real ones, with fur and a tail.

  8. Zekers

    …I’ve never seen a Lab in tight bike shorts…how do you think Jake would compare?

    Ryan might be an ass, but he is nice to look at!

  9. green cardigan

    I’m sure I’ve seen a photo of Jake Gyllenhag on a beach, catching a frisbee in his mouth. I’m sure of it….!

  10. Ryan is stirring! Hawt little twinkie!

    Jake…eh…entirely too Caspar Milquetoast’ish for my taste.

  11. I have first hand knowledge of Sienna Millers fan/friends email adress. She responds to almost every fan who writes her!!


  12. T-Bone

    Ryan reminds me of the brooding, depressed, “no one understands me” type. Forgive me for generalizing, but those types are almost alway too much work for me. I just don’t have time to try to peel away the layers of darkness ;)

  13. green cardigan

    T-Bone, agreed.
    Ryan looks like the kind of guy where it’s all about him. Me, myself and I. It’s just a guess but as you say he has that sulky , self important look. Reese probably rang rings around him trying to keep hi happy. Now Jake is running rings around her, trying to catch the ball.

    Ok, I’m going to stop with the Lab jokes now. Woof.

  14. T-Bone

    “Now Jake is running rings around her, trying to catch the ball”.
    laughing — poor jake ;) I’m always hoping for the nice guy to finish first ;) I know — boring..

  15. dookie

    No way in hell Reese would take his cheating ass back. I imagine whatever newfound friendship they have is purely for the sake of their children.

  16. God people are so hypocritical it slike plethora of (single girlfriends giving advice) she knew he cheated she said they got married young they have some problems. He did it publicly this time. ITs like people want to have divorced families and its normal to have a ready made family. She should take him back

  17. Miguelito

    Yeah, some girls have it all — torn between two polymorphously perverse raging bisexuals.

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