Top Chef: “Your Corn Dog Was Just, Really Soggy.”

Previously – There was this whole zoo animal theme. Andrew and Spike continued to annoy me. Valerie got sent home. I don’t even know who that is. But I know what vultures eat now.

Shytown! Spike and Andrew are playing towel snapping on ass games and I would be turned on if it wasn’t like watching guys who didn’t get cast as extras in Trainspotting playing grabass. Ryan brushes his teeth and gets slightly turned on. How does Richard keep his faux-hawk so perfect? How does it stay upright, even when he’s slept on it? How is that possible? What’s in that thing? The same industrial strength silicon that’s in Priscilla Presley’s face? Unless the director had him do a “just woke up” take.

Lesbian Lisa looks almost as rough as I do in the morning. Stephanie misses Valerie. Well, why did you let your pal Antonio sell her out over blinis? Stephanie says that they all just want a woman to make it to the finals and represent. They had a meeting about this? Zoi and Jennifer Beasty are having cuddle time in someone’s bunk and nevermind a female Top Chef, they just want to break out the dental dams.

More Top Chef, after the jump!

Zoi talks about how they want to break people’s image of what a chef is. Isn’t there ALWAYS a dyke on this show? I know that lesbians can be more than just UPS drivers! Hell, one’s running for president! Spike’s talking about how he thinks part of being a chef is being an entertainer and he will do anything he wishes to achieve that. Entertain through your food, Guy Who I Never Want To Have A Beer With.

Quickfire challenge! Padma’s looking casual in black jeans and a yellow top. She’s like a sexy bee. There’s some important chef here, Rick Bayless. He owns several restaurants in Chicago, and has a grin that makes me think of puppets coming alive to murder me. He’s big into Mexican cuisine and they have to make tacos upscale. Erik, the gargantuan scary guy, says that trying to make a taco upscale “bugs” him. I’d watch out, I bet he can smash a kitchen up and burn your tea cozies if he gets angry.

Jennifer Beasty is wearing an elephant tusk in her ear. It’s creepy and I’m calling PETA. That ivory wasn’t born to you, Beasty! Poaching bitch! Manuel babbles on about how amazing a taco guy he is. Just do your job, Kevin James. Spike shows that he’s a moron by saying he’s completely ignoring the challenge and keeping a tack as “street food”. This is the same kumquat that chose to sit out getting ingredients last time by listening to some homeless person strum an ukele like his ass was at a folk festival. He’s also wearing a yellow hat. Time to go, Spike! And take your boyfriend Andrew with you! Or twin. Twin or boyfriend. Whatever. Same thing. Ok, not really.

Andrew’s making duck tacos. People love hecuba. Yakima? How do you spell it? I’ll wait. Wasn’t Hecuba on Passions? Manuel hasn’t had a Hispanic accent at all since this show began and yet, he suddenly sounds like Caesar Chavez as he describes his taco. Bullshit artist. Lesbian Lisa made her steak so tough that Puppet Master can’t actually chew it. Oh oh. Erik was “bugged” so he used traditional flavors. I wouldn’t judge him. He looks like a carjacking rapist. Puppet Master tells Spike that he did a good job if “you’re going for street style”. “Success!” Spike exclaims and pumps his fist. No. That was the OPPOSITE of what you’re supposed to do. Successfully retarded, maybe.

JICAMA! That’s how you spell it. Jicama was not on Passions. Richard is always innovating so he didn’t actually use tortillas, he used jicama instead. Richard made himself a taco. I would, too. Puppet Master acknowledges that he hated Erik’s tacos, and Erik feels that he doesn’t feel fine dining and Mexican go together so “he can go screw himself”. Oh oh. Puppet Master better lock his doors and watch his kids. Ok, watch his Pomeranian. Erik will eat it.

Lisa gets trounced for her rare steak. Ryan put paper in his. Who eats paper? Andrew shivers like a junkie as he gets compliments. My guy Richard gets good grades. SPIKE? SPIKE gets compliments? HE VIOLATED THE BRIEF! Richard wins! Yay! Spike’s pissed. Good. You didn’t DO THE BRIEF. Puppet Master doesn’t get the importance of the BRIEF. Richard’s taco will be on a menu at one of Puppet Master’s restaurants. What does Jicama taste like? Richard gets immunity in the challenge.

The chefs split up into two teams. Jennifer Beasty and her labia love Zoi are on the same team. Spike sort of has a point that being on Richard’s team is kinda dumb because he has immunity and if you’re team sucks that increases the chances of you getting booted. Zoi keeps putting her fingers and her pen in her mouth. What’s with the oral fixation? It’s making me uneasy. I’m not going to borrow her pen, that’s for sure. The chefs ride to their field trip destination. Spike and Dale converse as to where they’re going via cell phone. I CAN’T STAND WHEN PEOPLE USE CELL PHONES AS WALKIE-TALKIES. I want to push them onto the third rail. I don’t care whether Tina said that about Jenn! SHUT UP! Spend the minutes! Open your phone! This is filler. If I wanted to see people riding around in SUVs, I could go back to the suburbs.

Padma meets them in the suburbs. This is a elimination challenge. I don’t know what that means, but I bet there’s going to be some product placement. They have to cook the food for a block party. The chefs have to go door to door to steal food from people to cook with? This is weird, and they better hope no one owns a pit bull. Richard says he’s not social, so he’s glad he has immunity. Spike was right; I don’t want to be on his team.

Andrew says they’re sending Ryan in because he’s tall, dark, and handsome. Jennifer Beasty accompanies him. I’d just throw the food out the window and hope Capt. Cavewoman doesn’t eat me. The chefs basically rob people of all their food. Some of the homeowners look nervous. Andrew and Spike must make them think that Top Chef is recruiting from the methadone clinic. Spike is screwing the other team over by telling them that all the food is gone from one house but it’s not. He’s so slick in his Curious George’s Junkie in the Yellow Hat…hat. One team’s doing upscale. One team’s doing classic block party food.

Nikki cooks with her hair almost hanging in the food. I would be pulling some split ends out of my mac & cheese if I ate in her joint. I could watch Richard run with paella for hours. He reasons that if the food they make is good enough for Padma, Tom Colecovision, and Puppet Master, then it should be good for the 150 people at the block party. I see a gap in his logic. What if these people in the suburbs have no friggin’ clue what jicama is? Huh? They’re going to be like “was she on Passions?”

Meat is ground. Strussels are topped. The red team is seriously doing it old school. Zoi hates doing pasta salad. She REALLY thinks that pasta salad is not a Top Chef winner. Pasta salad? Not Zoi’s favorite. Dale feels that they aren’t pushing, and they’re playing it safe. Easy there, Mama Celeste. Tom Colecovision is here to judge and terrify. He destroys Ryan and Jennifer Beasty by telling them what they don’t know about mayonnaise. It keeps things fresh! Who knew! It also keeps J. fat!

Block party! They have to set up in 20 minutes. Andrew is babbling on about giving back to the community or something. Erik’s corn dogs are soggy. The neighbors are cheering for the teams. Richard feels that he’s bringing upscale to the people. Easy there, Prometheus. These aren’t Neanderthals. They live sorta near the city. Nikki’s mac & cheese dried up. Maybe it was the hair. She’s trying to save it. That noodle has flown! Here are the judges! Puppet Master is here with Ted Allen, and Padma and Tom Colecovision.

Manuel is very excited about “plating” for the people. If that’s the high point of your meal, you are screwed. Richard tries to sell paella. They made Mexican chocolate barbecue sauce. There’s inside out Oreos, and soda water a’flyin’! This show makes me hungry! I hate it! Ted Allen asks Padma if she saved any room for the red team’s dishes. Yeah, she actually just chews her food and spits it behind a bush. That’s what she always does. Unless she’s indoors, and then she spits it behind a curtain. She’s a model, don’t be stupid.

Padma drops a Smore on Ted’s shoe. I’m surprised he doesn’t backhand her across a table. Spike thinks his team is more charismatic and has more of the “schmooze” factor. More like “ooze”. The neighbors talk about what they liked and what they didn’t like. Some lady loves the fresh fruit dessert and her husband is grinning and egging on her review. He’s supportive but creepy. He must know Puppet Master. Spike and Andrew are playing basketball and dunking each other. Foreplay. Spike has a new, even more atrocious hat on and feels that his team was the life of the party. Like a Tijuana donkey show!

Chefs wait in that scary storage closet. The blue team gets called. So Andrew starts flapping his annoying gums about how they could not have lost. I blame the pasta salad. I bet Zoi does, too. The blue team faces the judges. Puppet Master criticizes Nikki’s mac & cheese. He’s still pulling hair out of his puppet mouth. Tom Colecovision tells Richard that he doesn’t know what a paella is. Richard gives his ass some backtalk. Sass, Richard, sass! It turns out they actually won. Stephanie won the challenge. Her wonton was victorious. YAY! I like Stephanie. We both have anxiety attacks and like dessert. Tom says it wasn’t actually that good. He’s such a downer. He told me there was no Santa Claus. Andrew is drinking when they get back there. There’s beer? Ok, the storage room doesn’t look so dark anymore. Screw the cobwebs, we got Miller High Life. Spike’s all talky and he’s all “I thought we kicked their ass, to be honest.” And Padma’s “you didn’t.” So shut the front door! Erik’s corn dog got screwed. He’s ready to tear Puppet Master’s puppet head off. Padma: “Your corn dog was just, really soggy.”

Tom feels that they dumbed down what they were doing. Their Waldorf salad had too much chicken. Spike takes this moment to start criticizing the judges. He’d better shut his piehole or it’s going to be back to the shooting gallery for him! Zoi’s pasta salad got hammered. I think Jennifer Beasty’s gonna be lonely in about five minutes. Andrew starts talking all sorts of crazy, and says that he will only be dragged out by security guards because this is his house. Someone better reach out and touch 911. He’s crackers!

Judges judge. Zoi feels that she’s going home because of her pasta salad disaster. Fear of going home makes her swear like a truck driver, or a lesbian who couldn’t find a U-Haul to rent to move her furniture in on the second date. Someone tell Erik that there’s no crying in corn dogs.

Tom Colecovision breaks down how all the meals sucked. Puppet Master is still pulling Nikki’s hair out of his wooden smile mouth. Eric’s out. I cringe. He’s going to start punching walls. Puppet Master better run for his car. Zoi kinda makes out with Eric in solidarity. Jennifer Beasty’s not into that. She might actually be able to take Eric. Hey, she brought down an elephant for its ivory!

Next – Andrew’s a little person. And there’s a plastic wrap issue.

Tags: Recaps, Top Chef