Top Chef: Hurray For Hollywood!

Previously – The chefs competed at a block party, and the judges could have cared less. Soggy corn dog Erik was out on his burly ass. Andrew refused to leave. We’ll see about that!

Chefs ready themselves in the morning. Manuel and Richard are cutesy in the morning. Jennifer Beasty talks about touching Zoi. Sexy. Spike is ready for one of the gals to go, because he thinks they have an advantage because they’re scissor sisters. Dummy.

Padma rolls up with a guest judge. She says that if the chefs don’t know who he is, they need to leave the kitchen now. The chefs have no clue who he is, but I don’t see anyone leaving. The chef is Daniel Boulud. Richard knows who he is. Score one for Daniel. They have to create a “beautiful vegetable plate” with “three techniques” to impress master French chef Daniel. Lesbian Lisa isn’t feeling this, and she’s not feeling shampoo either. Scrub that mop.

More Top Chef, after the jump!

Daniel knows Richard and Ryan, and it looks like it wasn’t Ryan’s favorite experience ever. Someone got canned! The chefs run around with veggies. Nikki is terrified about technique, skill and I guess, cooking. Does Manuel mention his “life skills?” Is blogging a life skill? If so, I’m screwed. I think none of these chefs are classically trained. Why? Because all of them say it. Wait. Spike did. He trained in France? He’s the reason why France is snotty. They took him as the representation of America.

Dale stole Lisa’s idea. She needs to get the dykes on bikes and pummel him. Andre paces like if anyone gets a compliment, he’ll shove his face on a burner. Dale’s idea stolen from Lisa impresses Daniel. He feels Lisa’s contribution is “back to basic”.

Richard’s looks like Lisa’s but because Richard has probably let Daniel see his wang, he gets a pass. Manuel is told that his fennel frond isn’t a technique; it’s a “composition”. I don’t think Daniel would like how I add just a touch more milk to my Kraft Macaroni & Cheese than the box says so you get a creamier sauce. THAT is MY technique. He would probably say it’s a composition. He would be wrong. Nikki should have grilled her zucchini with seasoning. Lisa’s train of thought derailed. Maybe something pulled up onto the track.

Dale wins the challenge, and he’s talking about it like he won an Oscar. He’s promising not to change. Maybe you should – start with the uppity personality. Their next challenge is going to be to make a dinner for twelve based on movies. Ryan reveals that he hasn’t seen two movies in three years. Jesus, leave your kitchen once in awhile, Capt. Boring. They will be cooking for Richard Roeper because Ebert is pretty much non-functioning these days. The poor guy. Aisha Taylor’s going to be there, too. Why? Wait, is she banging Richard?

Chefs will work in pairs. These chefs always have to pull knives. Someone’s going to nick an artery and the kitchen will be painted red. Andrew hates that winner Dale joined his and Richard’s team. He thinks that the weak choose the strong. Argh, he and Spike are such interchangeable dicks. Everyone loves Richard of course. He’s quiet, sweet, and when he gets a compliment his face lights up. Is he on Facebook? I need to make a friend. Mark naming all these movies that he’s never heard of freaks Ryan. God, I don’t trust people who don’t watch movies. It gives me the creeps.

Chefs work. Richard, Andrew and Dale discuss their plans to bring Willy Wonka to life via food. Are they going to inflate a small girl into a blueberry and serve her? Hey, if it’s chocolate, I’m there. Spike has never heard of Like Water For Chocolate, and because of that feels that Manuel has nothing to offer. He is one drippy dick with bad taste in hats. He decides that since he’s been cooking Vietnamese for two years, that they will do Good Morning, Vietnam.

Manuel is a lot nicer than Spike. Jennifer Beasty is totally mackin’ on her partner Nikki. Zoi is looking across the room and getting heated at Beasty eyeing Nikki’s scalley cap. This is some lesbian psychodrama right here. Beasty even “jokingly” offers to hold Nikki’s hand when they bring their Il Postino course in. Uh huh. Beasty is dude-like and you know she’s done a Shane from L Word and worked her way through every lady in town. Her tongue and short fingernails are probably legendary. Zoi better watch her man.

Ryan has never heard of New Zealand. And his favorite movies are Dumb and Dumber and Old School. FRAT PINHEAD! Mark is naming random flicks that they show in the meadow outside the Shire on Hobbit Midsummer’s Eve or whatever. Ryan relates A Christmas Story to Mark. Mark’s like “this bloke is not deep.” So I guess they’ll be doing A Christmas Story? Headless duck? Lisa and Stephanie don’t want to repeat a cobbler. Who does? Lisa wants to do Top Secret! ? I thought I was the only one who had ever seen that. It’s all like some bad movie.

Andrew thinks that the people eating their food will “culinarily crap in their pants.” You’re putting Ex-Lax in? You are a monumental penis, Andrew. You and Spike should be put on an island to eventually meld into the same large tool. Chefs haul ass to Whole Foods to get ingredients. Spike refers to Manuel as his “employee.” Orly? This is because Spike is getting snotty over some Chilean sea bass. Antonia and Zoi can only afford four racks of lamb because they’re on the welfare.

Andrew’s embracing his heritage and acting like an Oompah-Loompa. Dale isn’t happy with the Oompah-Loompa act. Maybe someone in his family is one and he feels that it’s getting racial. Richard agrees. Richard realizes what a complete douche Andrew is but he’s too sweet to say so.

Richard’s going to take the lead. Summer rolls are only made in Vietnam, Spike? They fly them over? I’m getting the hungries. Richard’s team has an issue with their “electric smoker.” I blame Andrew for this erectile dysfunction. Andrew is yelling “not a chance in hell.” Jesus, it’s not your whole meal. Richard Roeper is wearing this choker that belongs on a teenage boy in 1997. Screw the smoker; Richard’s team actually smokes salmon over a log or something. Aisha Taylor has no idea what Daniel is saying. She’s like “come again?”

Spike pronounces “cilantro” as “sea-lantro” and that’s probably correct, but it’s still irritating. Ok, “Speek?” The spring rolls don’t go over well. Jennifer Beasty and her new piece Nikki explain the meal. Richard Roeper basically tells Ted Allen he’s too picky and to stick it, queer. Whenever a chef is nervous that something is dry, it usually is. They’re dripping sauce in the elevator. That’s a sexy elevator. I guess it wasn’t too dry! Aisha Tyler likes carrot puree.

Tom Colecovision isn’t getting enough lamb from Antonia and Zoi. Well what do you want; they’re on the dole! No one’s getting Lesbian Lisa’s movie choice of Top Secret!. I don’t either, but that meal looks so good! Damn this show for making me fat! They have a pourer that you can attach to an Evian bottle? Or is it sold like that? Celebrity chefs get some cool shit! I think that Manuel might be going home, because the fish was too fishy and you know Spike will sell his ass out.

Manuel is cute but doomed. Richard’s wearing crocs and I’m going to try to scrub it from my mind. Padma spraying that champs in the bumper makes me feel funny inside. She’s so glamorous, and full of double-entendre. Chefs report to that dungeon-like storage room. It’s the kind of place dead bodies get found when someone goes berserk after hours on the waiter who’s sleeping with his girlfriend! I’ve seen Law & Order! I know what goes on.

Richard’s Willy Wonka team and Lesbian Lisa’s Top Secret! team triumphs. People act like they just won the World Series. My Richard wins. He talks about Willy Wonka like he’s a real person. I need to overlook that along with the Crocs. Spike’s back in the storeroom knocking Richard’s team along with…Zoi? Zoi, don’t get stank! I know you’re unsettled by Jennifer Beasty’s flirtation with Nikki. Zoi is so unsettled that she’s kinda talking smack to Tom Colecovision…who is sporting some facial hair this episode. I’m into it. Don’t shave, Tom. Zoi and Antonio kinda save their asses by re-explaining their Talk To Her connection.

Spike’s all well, I already make Vietnamese so why not? Lazy! Tom Colecovision kinda sounds like he thinks Spike and Manuel pocketed some of the money and cooked a cat from an alley. Zoi is seriously on the rag this episode and goes back to the storeroom to bitch about Richard winning. Zoi needs to calm herself. Spike doesn’t sell Manuel out, which is a shock. Andrew would have. Andrew would have driven by Manuel lying bleeding in a gutter and thrown rocks at him. Can we vote Spike’s yellow hat out of the competition even if he doesn’t go?

Manuel and his curly hair are kicked. Bye, kid. He’s so cutesy. And he makes a very classy speech. Nice guy. Damn, it would have been way more interesting if he shot someone.

Next – Scales in the salmon! Dale goes off on Lesbian Lisa. Jennifer Beasty goes off on Spike. GET. HIM.

Tags: Recaps, Top Chef