Top Chef: Zoo Animals

Previously – God-fearing Nimma and her purple headband were sent home on account of her salty shrimp. Andrew’s the biggest utensil (read: tool) in the kitchen. Stephanie’s a little nervous. And Zoi with the terribly spelled name and Jennifer Beasty are Sapphic sisters in love.

Thank you, readers, for giving me the scoop on Padma Lakshmi’s scar. And you know what? J. Harvey has one, too! Look!

Padma and I are soul sisters! I was in a bad car accident, too! I rolled a Dodge Caravan. That was the first one I rolled. Don’t ask. My parents still won’t speak to me. Well, my dad’s deceased but when I talk to him aloud, he doesn’t send a bird or anything from the afterlife to indicate that he’s listening. He’s still miffed about that Caravan. Plus, I rolled it while he was in it and was teaching me how to drive. Yeah. Then he had to finish teaching me after I got out of the hospital. He wasn’t a huge fan of my driving after that.

More Top Chef, after the jump!

So Padma and I have a deep connection. It’s very soulful. Chicago! Sharpen your knives and boil your water, cuz’ it’s on now! I really, really don’t like Andrew. He’s the kind of guy who you meet at a party and he thinks he’s the life of it. And he’s not. He’s the douche who’s trying to be your best friend and hitting on your girlfriend at the same time. And your girlfriend says to you later “uh, he kept talking about getting his dick pierced and wanted my opinion. It was skeevy.” Stephanie and Valerie work out and we find out that they worked together. They’re all over an exercise ball and it’s really not my thing. I don’t need to see thick chef ladies exerting themselves. Shower before you cook.

Jennifer Beasty and Zoi trade clogs. They’ve found that they have to keep a distance because of the competition. Beasty remarks how nerve-wracking it is competing against your lover. I know chefs have to wear em’, but clogs are fug. At least the ladies are rocking black ones. They could be Crocs, so I’m grateful.

The chefs go to some outdoor market. Ryan’s happy because it doesn’t involve chicken picatta. Bitch wouldn’t know chicken picatta if it fell in his lap. Richard looks cute with his outdated faux-hawk and blue t-shirt. I want him to scramble my eggs. And then fertilize them. I stole that joke, I admit it. Valerie knows the produce at that particular market. She’s wearing aviator shades, and feeling smug.

The chefs can only use five ingredients from the market. Salt, pepper, sugar, and oil won’t count. But everything else does, including that gratuitous Whole Foods display back at the kitchen. I do give Top Chef credit, though, for being a little subtler than the rest of these shows. American Idol had a commercial for the iPhone the other night, and I felt like Steve Jobs was pissing on my forehead and laughing.

Richard hauls ass and his moobs are bouncing and my neck feels sweaty. Frodo is actually crashing into people, and he better watch out that someone doesn’t clothesline his lanky New Zealander Frodo ass. Spike decides to spend his 30 minutes listening to some musician play and not actually participating at first. He just sits on a chair and is into the guitar playing. Asshole. I hope Padma strolls up and smacks him off the back of the head. He’s far too cool for me.

Richard decides to make like a koala bear and purchase some eucalyptus. He’s an adorable member of the Get-A-Long Gang. Frodo gives some dude an attitude for not fetching his lamb fast enough. He’s not happy with the laidback lifestyle. Frodo is seriously bossing people around. “Really quickly?” Excuse me? Suck it, Tolkien! He forgets his bag. That’s what you get!

The chefs return to the kitchen. Some lanky greaser named Wylie has like a science kitchen named Wd50 and he’s the guest chef. The boyfriend would love this. He loves food, and he loves science. I like glamour and fried chicken. Where’s my combo?

Richard’s all jazzed because Wylie is a “molecular gastronomist” as well. Is that real? Padma reminds them of the challenge and everyone runs like the kitchen’s on fire. Richard tells us that “molecular gastronomy” is not “whiz-bang gadget gizmo”. Where’s the fun, then? Spike didn’t get the tenderloin he wanted. Then maybe you should have skipped the friggin’ Joan Baez concert and put some effort in, John Frusciante.

Valerie can’t locate a burner. Hands shake in this competition. That worries me. There’s a lot of fire, and people shouldn’t be getting the jitters around flame and boiling water. Wylie gets a hard-on when he notes Richard’s use of eucalyptus. They’re making a connection. Or maybe not. This show makes me ravenous. Valerie is “refreshing”. Spike makes excuses. Wylie was looking for a “steak sandwich”, and Spike agrees that she should have done that. Seriously, Spike needs to get his head in the chef game and off the tour bus. Or the crack house. Whatever his problem is.

Wylie likes Frodo’s sideburns. Spike looks on, full of jealousy. Andrew cheats. He used balsamic and that was one too many ingredients. He acknowledges that he’s a dumbass. Thank you for your honesty. You’re right. It turns out that Wylie betrayed his fellow “molecular gastronomist”. Richard gets screwed for being “oily”. He’s out of the club, and no longer invited to “molecular gastronomy meetings”. Maybe he can join the Drama Club. He has the hair. Frodo wins? How dare he be rewarded for being a rude bitch? He won with those sideburns.

The chefs have to draw knives. Manuel is cutesy, but useless. He gets the “vulture” knife. Andrew wants “lion”. He growls. Shut up, ass. You deserve “donkey”. Animals are paired up. They’re catering a party for a zoo. They have to base their dish around the main foods in their animal’s diet. WHAT? Zoi has my thought when she’s like “vultures eat road kill and decomposing carcasses”. Serve that up an office function. “What’s that? Oh, it’s muskrat with a tire tread.” They will prep and cook for three hours, then head to see the animals. They get an outline. Team Gorilla feels that they can add meat to their vegetarian diet. Valerie’s wary.

Richard has some kind of device to circulate something for lions. Nikki’s mouthy for Team Bear. She feels she has to be that way to get things done. Dale’s a control freak so they might not gel. The lesbians want to be bears! That’s hot. They boyfriend used to work with a FTM bear. Those parents must have gotten the shock of their lives when they daughter told them she wanted to be a hairy fat guy. Frodo has his hair up with like barrettes or something. Frodo’s been down at the trannieshack. Frodo and Dale play bear vs. vulture. Stephanie has her own restaurant but she’s still, wait for it, nervous. Have a drink! Damn!

Team Gorilla sits on beanbags and discusses their menu. Off to Whole Foods! Buy Whole Foods! Shop at Whole Foods! Spike says he’s molesting the produce section. That’s shady. I bet he is. He’s holding a big penis shaped squash or something. This show is dirty. The other lesbian takes a tumble and he walks away laughing. What a nice guy. I hope his dealer cuts his coke with laxative. Richard supervises the meat cutting. I could watch him handle meat all day. God, I’m as bad as Spike.

Team Bear and their assembled control freaks have to put some food back because they overspent. Nikki’s spending money on decorations. This ain’t Flip This House! Her interior decorating doesn’t please Dale. Seriously, wrong show, honey. Dale hates his team. Nikki cuts cheese. Sorry, I had to write it.

Andrew’s making some sort of glacier jelly mold. These people are advanced! Erik finds himself at odds as to how to use Richard’s many machines. Team Gorilla is making banana bread. Makes sense. What’s a blini? I think I want one. Here’s Tom Coleco! He’s very serious. He’s here to ask questions. Who has time, I’m making glaciers!

Manuel kisses Frodo and Tom Coleco’s ass. He’s cute, hulking but I don’t think he’s that good chef. I just have a feeling. Andrew and Spike, the dopey bitches of our show, square off over the glacier. I wish they were on one and a crevasse opened. March of the Dickheads. Dale doesn’t love Nikki’s mushrooms. Spike is sweet and says they look like “turds”. He’s a poet, that one. Team Gorilla is contending with soggy chips for their crab salad. Stephanie: “I’m f*cked, I’m going home.” Slow down, Doomsayer!

The zoo! Animals snort. I don’t mean Jennifer Beasty. Hopefully the area isn’t near the monkey house. If Spike says “turds” one more time, I’m gonna spin kick a bitch. Antonio feels “removed” from Valerie’s blinis. Is this a relationship? Should we get a counselor? Valerie isn’t feeling them either. The chips are still not crunching correctly. I hate when chips do that. Padma enters with Wylie and the rest of the judges. Gail Simmons is there and I think she was taking a couple of hits off the cough syrup bottle. What’s with the bobbing and weaving? Sober up, you gotta judge!

Tom Colecovision’s here, too! Lesbian Lisa notes how the guests swarm in. The mushrooms have to be pulled by Team Bear, they’re too cold. And they look like “turds”. Sorry, he was going to say it anyway. I’ll spin kick myself. Wylie digs Team Lion’s beet salad.

Frodo turns Padma and Drunk Gail into “anchovy believers”. It’s like Scientology but with less repressed homosexuality and you get to hang onto your life savings. Wylie’s not feeling Team Gorilla’s crab dish. Stephanie practically starts tying a noose. Someone call the hotline.

Padma is STUFFING food into her mouth. It’s good to see a model that’s not afraid to look like a warthog. I feel even more of a kinship with her ass. Nikki lets them taste the turdrooms. Two spin kicks. Spike isn’t happy that Nikki served the mushrooms. Andrew is ready to fellate Wylie when he gives him some faint praise. The nutritional manager for the zoo praises Team Penguin for sticking with things that penguins actually eat. She doesn’t get out much. It’s cool to see zoo geeks out partying. Where’s the bar?

The judges gather at a table to rip people apart. The cheese didn’t belong in the mushrooms! Well, they shouldn’t have even been served, damnit! They keep showing a spoonful of beet juice for the beet salad. And I feel like, that’s it? I’m so American. The chefs start to clean up. And Team Gorilla knows they suck. Stephanie’s already grabbing a razor. Dale feels the same, but he’s too ego maniacal to even consider suicide.

I could watch Padma spray champs in that ad all day. Hit me with a load to the face, baby! Err….anyway. Time to be judged. I can’t believe they make them sit in a cold and dank storeroom while they wait to be attacked. Padma strolls in to chew on someone. She’s ravenous for some pain and teardrops. Wylie has his judge face down. Andrew wins. Ugh. He’s ready to let Wylie sit on his face. For real. Imagine you’re going to lose and this dumb ass comes back to summon you? He actually says “da bearz”. Shut up, you gangly retard.

Nikki’s mushrooms, Valerie’s emotionally suspect blinis, and Suicidal Stephanie’s crab salad were judged worst. Nikki is rocking shades. There’s no flashbulbs here, honey. Just some bad cookin’! Dale slags the mushrooms. Wylie is wearing corduroy. Dale takes the blame for the cheese. Padma is trying to get to the bottom of who’s responsible for those damn mushrooms. It’s like the Warren Commission except you hear the word “turds” more. Spike turns on Dale. Dale turns on Nikki. It turns out no one tasted a mushroom after cheese was added.

Suicidal Stephanie shouldn’t have pre-mixed her crab. A now sober Gail feels that the blinis had no connection. These blinis really need to explore therapy at least three times a week, and re-evaluate things. Their interpersonal relationships just aren’t working. Antonia sells out Valerie. Valerie says that Antonia didn’t actually taste her dish. Antonia wanted nothing to do with emotionally disconnected, terse blinis.

The judges discuss. Banana bread is a saving grace. Dale made the mushrooms worse. Tasting food is fundamental, like reading. Gail also infers that the mushrooms look like feces. If Wylie and his corduroy brushed up against me, there would be sparks. Padma needs to stop dancing with knives! I like my jugular too much!

It’s time. Who’s going home? Valerie’s going home. She better punch Antonia. She made good friends? Not Antonia.

Next – There’s a carnival. Spike cheats. Zoi cries. This is Andrew’s house. Then I’m leaving.