Tom Cruise to Teach David Beckham How to Deal with the Media

August 2nd, 2007 // 32 Comments

Which is a fabulous idea, seeing as how Tom’s done such a great job of maintaining the image of a cool, calm and NOT crazy individual. Space ships! Lasers! Thetans! I love this woman! But seriously, Tom’s honestly been lending his experience as a high-profile celebrity in the United States to his new buddy, David Beckham.

“He’s got a squeaky Cockney accent normally and he talked into his chest. While wife Victoria could turn on the charm, David always looked uncomfortable with that side of fame and preferred to do his talking on the pitch. But Tom’s being drumming into him that Americans expect their stars to be able to be all-singing , all-dancing .”

Tom’s also got David doing the whole big throwing out his arms thing to big crowds. OMG, David is so going to join Tom’s cult. These are all tests to see if David will listen to Tom’s instructions. The minute we see David jumping up onto Oprah’s lap (a couch would be too predictable, guys) and declaring his love for his wife, Victoria, is the day that the aliens get purged from the Earth and we can all roam free amongst the gummy bear rain forest, finally able to live in harmony amongst the Care Bears and mystical dragons.


More photos of TomKat after the jump.


By Lisa Timmons

  1. Kelsey

    Alright, Suri may be an alien baby, but god damn she is CUTE!!

  2. green cardigan

    There’s Maverick reliving his Top Gun days in the second last of the small photos.

    Watching in slow motion as you turn to me and say….take my breath away…….NOT

  3. Pha-Q-Tom


    Firstly: Katie looks like a giant with a tiny head in that first picture.

    Secondly: Where’s the love with these two? Didn’t they used to stare lovingly at each other and hug and kiss and touch constantly? Now they just look like barely polite to each other.

    That’s what happens when you get knocked up within weeks of meeting each other.

    Divorce coming soon. Poor Suri.

  4. Carol

    TC is one stumpy MoFo, I tell you. What a stubby little man. Hey, Stubby! It’s The Stubbster!!

  5. stanley

    Wow, I used to like her. They seem so uptight and…..weird. I just cant think of another word to describe.

  6. Zekers

    Stubberino, the Stubbmeister, Stubborama…Oh jeez I forgot how fun yet annoying Rob’s character was on SNL!

  7. MardiGras

    Is Katie’s outfit for real? Who the hell picks out her clothes? Suri’s adorable, but there’s no way she just turned ONE in April. Come on…

    TC is just plain scary.

  8. Woohoo

    Run girls run .. Get far away from Tom

  9. QB

    the sight of katies legs is horrifict what happen to her she looks old and pale does pant make her loock like she has a fat ass

  10. givemeabreak

    Tom and KAtie had Suri and forgot about Tom’s kids with Nicole. I haven’t seen Connor or Isabella in months.

  11. T-Bone

    I happen to like Katy’s style. She’s always classy and modest, yet attractive. She has that Jackie O. thing going on, which is refreshing. She’s not so insecure, like Pamela Anderson, Posh, Sienna, Brit, Paris, Lohan, and the likes that she feels the need to expose every part of her body for attention.

    And Suri is THE cutest!!!

  12. green cardigan

    T-Bone – I happen to like Katie’s style too (though not these grey slacks, they do nothing for her).

    I don’t think Mr.Tubby Stubby would let her wear revealing clothes to be honest, even if she wanted to. I’m surprised she’s in high heels. Maybe he was counting on the heels sinking into the mud, chubby little control freak that he is.

  13. Zekers

    Yeah Green, I was thinking that T.C. wouldn’t stand skimpy outfits for Katie…or himself…

  14. Zekers

    …stand for skimpy outfits on Katie…not multi-tasking very well today!

  15. green cardigan

    I’m having a horrible visual of Tom dressed in a pair of speedos with a pair of Britney stle cowboy boots.

    We’re Hollywood y’all !

  16. hmweis1

    Katie needs to remember she’s still in her twenties! Come on woman, stop dressing like you’re going through menopause!

  17. T-Bone

    I’m having a similarly horrible vision, Green, but I have him doing a river-dance type of jig, while dressed in gouchos, a bandana around his neck, and Fry boots.

    And that first picture of Katy looks an awful lot like my very tall cousin with hip dysplasia.

  18. Zekers

    T-Bone/Green-Ha! My plan worked, I knew I could get some imagery going here! Except, I pictured him “Risky Business” style, with the Frye boots of course…(just ’cause I love Frye boots)…oh and Janet Jackson’s star-shaped pasties for his lovely man-boobs.

  19. ;o

    If wearing a speedo is important in Scientology, then Beckham can join the cult whatever, and Id be happy

  20. T-Bone

    IS Suri really Tom’s biological child? How did that happen? I thought he couldn’t have kids.

  21. tammyv

    David and his people have made him an international icon around the global without Tom’s help.

    The Beckhams have not just fallen off the turn-up truck and landed in America. This has been a several year strategy to have this welcome and level of attention.

    Tom might want to claim credit but seriously they were living in the limelight while Tom was still normal with Nik

  22. Zekers

    I highly doubt the embryo was created inside of Katie…

  23. T-Bone

    Suri certainly looks like both of them. So do you think she was an implanted embryo using both his sperm (which I thought didn’t work) and her egg? Or was it perhaps her egg and another sperm??? I’m so confused.

  24. green cardigan

    Tom chased Katie round the house (wearing the speedos and cowboy boots) brandishing the turkey baister, yelling ‘it’s that time of month Kate’..

  25. Zekers

    Possible it was a donor T, but it is completely amazing what infertility clinics can do these days, especially for someone like Cruise who has unlimited funds. I’m sure there were techniques available to he and Katie that weren’t available to he and Nicole.
    Maybe Scientology taught Tom’s “degraded” soldiers how to stand up and march…
    …turkey baster, bad visual on that one…

  26. green cardigan

    Tom’s “degraded” soldiers how to stand up and march… Hilarious !

    And appropriate, considering that Tubby is shooting a Hitler movie at the moment. Thinking of all those lines of Nazis marching in unison….

  27. kharris

    WTF is Katie wearing??? Looks like she has the same stylist as Chloe Sevigny on the set of “Big Love”. Frumpy and conservative, Tom has to be behind all this. Poor girl.

  28. green cardigan

    Forward March through the uterus men, ETA at Camp Ovaries, Zero Nine Hundred Hours…..

  29. T-Bone

    Is Tom going to over-act again, like he did in that Samurai movie?

    “Tom chased Katie round the house (wearing the speedos and cowboy boots) brandishing the turkey baister, yelling ‘it’s that time of month Kate’..”

  30. Zekers

    Do you mean “over-act” in his new movie or with the Speedos and the baster??

    Boy needs a step-ladder…

  31. jannre

    Katie looks really odd in that first pic. I don’t know who convinced her to buy those pants, they are hideous…but, Suri is cute.

  32. shell

    That’s quite a get-up Katie’s sporting there…

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