Tom Cruise Needs An Image Makeover

January 26th, 2009 // 11 Comments

Tom Cruise? In need of an image makeover? Whaaaa?

Our apologies for dumping such a jaw-dropping news bit on Monday morning. We were as shocked as you (heh) to find out that Tom Cruise’s handlers are a wee bit worried about his image.

Actually, we were more surprised they’re even bothering. We’d place Tom Cruise’s Image in the Lost Cause file, but they’re hell-bent on Tommy following this fool-proof plan to get the public and media on his side again. Here it goes!

1.) No more crazy cakes morning show appearances where you call newscasters “glib” and babble on about how you know the history of psychiatry. Cut it out.

2.) Please take off your sunglasses when you hit the red carpet.

3.) Also, don’t show up at premieres in fancy pants cars, and start treating your beard like a real honest-to-God wife. Quit “pulling her arm” and “dragging her around.” Remember, she is supposed to be the love of your life –  It’s called acting. Get into the role.

4.) Appear on woman-friendly shows to win back the housewife audience. All those crazy gay Scientologist rumors have leaked onto the dinner tables of Middle America and made soccer moms very weary. You’re going to pull up a chair on The View, talk about Sherri Shepherd’s feminine problems and enjoy it. (Which we know you will,)

What do you think? Is Tom Cruise back on the road to mainstream sex symbol?

View a gallery of Tom Cruise on the German talk show Wetten Dass!

 

Tom Cruise? In need of an image makeover? Whaaaa? Our
apologies for dumping such a jaw-dropping news bit on Monday morning.
We were as shocked as you (heh) to find out that Tom Cruise’s handlers
are a wee bit worried about his image.Actually, we were more surprised they’re even bothering. We’d place Tom Cruise’s Image in the Lost Cause file, but they’re hell bent on Tommy following this fool-proof plan to get the public and media on his side again. Here it goes!1.) No more crazy cakes morning show appearances where you call newscasters “glib” and babble on about how you know the history of psychiatry. Cut it out.2.) Please take off your sunglasses when you hit the red carpet.3.)
Also, don’t show up at premieres in fancy pants cars, and start treating your
beard like a real honest-to-God wife. Quit “pulling her arm” and
“dragging her around.” Remember, she is supposed to be the love of your life –  It’s called acting. Get into the role.4.)
Appear on woman-friendly shows to win back the housewife audience. All
those crazy gay Scientologist rumors have leaked onto the dinner tables
of Middle America. You’re going to pull up a chair on The View, talk
about Sherri Shepherd’s feminine problems and enjoy it. (Which we know
you will.)What do you think? Is Tom Cruise back on the road to mainstream sex symbol?
View a gallery of Tom Cruise on the German talk show Wetten Dass!

By Melissa Noble
asl

  1. Phat girl

    Uh, don’t you have to be sexy to be considered a sex symbol? TC lost what little sex appeal he had years ago.

  2. britegray

    It’s too late. His image has sunk so low. People can’t get passed who HE is to get into his characters. Sorry Tom. You’re not perfect and you don’t know everything. Besides dude, I think you have enough money for you, your wife, and your kids lives. You don’t NEED to keep working. I hope for him to have a life with sanity and happiness.

  3. Maverick

    There’s no “image” to rescue. Everyone knows he’s a closeted homo, and that Scientology covers it up for him. He’s always trying to be “butch” and he looks so fake and obvious in interviews. Katie is just nasty looking now. He’s ruined her image too. He just needs to go away. No one cares about him any more. The world could use one less freak in it. Oprah just blows smoke up his ass, that last interview she did with him was creepy.

  4. CONNie

    Actually, I could careless about his personal life. Whatever, he’s really boring in fact, ay or not, Scientologist or not, he doesn’t show up pollute drunk or high, he doen’t ever bad mouth anyone, Whatever.I happen to still find his movies really exciting. Very well done. I don’t need him as a dreamy anything….can you act? Yes, do you deliver good movies? Yes. Good that’s what I want you for.

  5. Nicole

    Connie is 100% right on. America – you can be any religion, race etc etc and that is okay, right? Well not if your Tom Cruise apparently.

    He is seemingly a good husband and daddy, a very well paid and esteemed actor and frankly I don’t know why he cares about his image… people go to his movies don’t they?

    Also – I find it intriguing that neither he nor his wife ever comment on all the gossip about their marriage – guess they don’t think it merits a resonse.

  6. Mrs Patrick Campbell

    Tammy’s smile says that she just had about 10 big fat black inches explode a huge load of man-goo deep inside her no-no!

  7. Herman

    No one cares about him anymore? Have you ever seen what people do when he’s walking down the street?
    What’s with all the scientology hate. It’s a work of science fiction and fairy tales – but so is every other religion.

    The idea that thetans lived among extraterrestrial cultures before becoming trapped in bodies on Earth is as ludicrous as believing that Jesus ascended into heaven and will return to judge the living and the dead, granting everlasting life to his followers

    C’mon. He’s an actor. Like him or dislike him for his acting.

    Our 8 year president when asked if he spoke to his father before invading Iraq said “no, I spoke to God”.
    He’s more of a freak than Tom Cruise.

  8. Nefarious D

    Cruise deep-sixed his image long ago. With his Scientology crap, verbal attacks, and crazy antics. Holmes’ career has now joined his in the toilet.

    “he doen’t ever bad mouth anyone”

    Do the names “Matt Laurer” and “Brooke Shields” ring any bells Connie? Because he crucified both of them. And they’d never said a word about the guy before he did it. Face it: The guy’s a Hollywood train wreck of his own making.

  9. scientologist hater

    herman — i’d say the scientology hate (at least for me) comes from the fact that they think mental illness and other emotional problems like autism aren’t “real” and that people need to buck up and “get over it.” or to quote the lovely (sensing the sarcasm?) bijou phillips — people with emotional issues like, you know, schizophrenia (because obviously schizophrenics can choose to just “stop it”) are just “pansies.” i say — FUCK SCIENTOLOGY. people DIE when mental illness is stigmatized. there’s no way to just “buck up and get over it.” the only way to “get over it” without recognition and help is suicide. fucking scientologists.

  10. Sanma

    What makes Tom a good father? The fact that he parades Suri around for publicity and keeps her up to all hours of the night or the fact that he is never with his two older children and that he stays in NY and travels the world without them? Oh, I know, it is because in every interview he says he is a good father.

  11. Uhzbbbzo

    I0MuHN comment2 ,

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