Tom Cruise Can Marry You

June 18th, 2007 // 8 Comments

Tom Cruise is so high up in the Scientology racket than he can marry people. He’s what’s called a “clear” and can telekinetically affect your molecules and start fires with his mind. He can also commune with plants and stop your heart with one punch to the chest. Watch out. Tom might be presiding over the alien nuptials of a friend of his.

Tom Cruise is at the highest level of “clear” in Scientology – and now he may even perform a wedding for a friend, Australian heir James Packer, one of the church’s richest benefactors, Women’s Wear Daily reports. Packer, who inherited a $6.5 billion fortune when his father, Kerry, died last year, weds model-turned-singer Erica Baxter Wednesday on France’s Cote d’Azur. A mystery client, believed to be Packer, has booked the entire Grand Hotel du Cap-Ferrat and the Hotel du Cap-Eden Roc, presumably for his guests.

The couple is set to honeymoon in a crater on Mars, after which they will ascend into a black hole to be with Xenu. Can they take Tom with them?


More photos of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes visiting the German Church of Scientology headquarters at 2.45am in the morning this past Friday night.


By J. Harvey

  1. Scarlett

    I am convinced Tom was told in order to ascend the heirarchy of scientology he had to marry a young woman and he had to bear children ….
    Wonder when Katie will figure this out?? Can’t she see the correlation with the romance and his coming out, so to speak, of the scientology closet??

  2. green cardigan

    The Tommy Horror Picture Show.

    I’m not much of a man by the light of day
    But by night I’m one hell of a lover
    I’m just a sweet transvestite
    From Transexual, Transylvania

  3. KT

    “The couple is set to honeymoon in a crater on Mars, after which they will ascend into a black hole to be with Xenu.”

    Simply hilarious.

  4. Persistent Cat

    But can he defeat Chuck Norris? Roundhouse kick thinks not.

  5. ifyousayso

    if tom’s at the “highest level,” how is that cult supposed to syphon any more money out of him?

  6. SARAH

    I’m with Scarlett!! I’ve been saying that from the beginning!! But I prefer the term “spawn”.

  7. FiFi

    ok, why is Kate(ie) Holmes-Cruise morphing into Jackie O??? That 3rd pix of her and Tom is freaky

  8. Colbert2006

    She’s not morphing into Jackie O, she is turning into Victoria Beckham–the only friend Lord Xenu’s Minion allows her to hang out with on occasion.

    Won’t somebody please lock up the Cruise before he incinerates us all with the laser beams that he can now shoot out of his eyes?

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