Tom Cruise Can Marry You

Tom Cruise is so high up in the Scientology racket than he can marry people. He’s what’s called a “clear” and can telekinetically affect your molecules and start fires with his mind. He can also commune with plants and stop your heart with one punch to the chest. Watch out. Tom might be presiding over the alien nuptials of a friend of his.

Tom Cruise is at the highest level of “clear” in Scientology – and now he may even perform a wedding for a friend, Australian heir James Packer, one of the church’s richest benefactors, Women’s Wear Daily reports. Packer, who inherited a $6.5 billion fortune when his father, Kerry, died last year, weds model-turned-singer Erica Baxter Wednesday on France’s Cote d’Azur. A mystery client, believed to be Packer, has booked the entire Grand Hotel du Cap-Ferrat and the Hotel du Cap-Eden Roc, presumably for his guests.

The couple is set to honeymoon in a crater on Mars, after which they will ascend into a black hole to be with Xenu. Can they take Tom with them?


More photos of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes visiting the German Church of Scientology headquarters at 2.45am in the morning this past Friday night.