Xenu Help Tom Cruise

January 7th, 2008 // 17 Comments

Tom Cruise may unleash a $100 million dollar lawsuit against author Andrew Morton whose new book insinuates that Suri Cruise’s real father is….L Ron Hubbard’s frozen sperm. Ewwww. This is some science-fiction soap opera shite! Morton’s unauthorized biography of Tom Cruise refers to Suri Cruise as “Rosemary’s Baby” and says that Katie Holmes was turkey basted with the Scientology founders seed to create the next Scientology superbaby or something.

The book is also full of other incredibly hot tidbits. Morton claims that Cruise is actually the second-highest member in the Scientology hierarchy, and that the Scientologists once installed a field of wildflowers for Tom and ex-wife Nicole Kidman to run through. Hay fever. Why Nicole didn’t immediately run screaming is now evident. When you first enter into the church, they have you make an “audit” tape revealing your darkest secrets.

There’s allegedly one Nicole made and it’s supposed to be sexy talk. So she doesn’t want that getting out. Paul Bloch of gay space queen’s staff says “the author never interviewed anyone close to Tom Cruise. If they had, there would have been no book to be written.” And Block went on to call the book “a vicious and false attack on a man, his religion and his family.” It’s kind of a howl to call Suri Rosemary’s Baby, but when she reaches 18 and calls down the legion of Xenu star destroyers to kill all of us, we’ll know where Morton was coming from.

Photos: Getty Images

By J. Harvey
  1. Tonya

    That is the most ridiculous I’ve read. I am a Scientologist, and the church does not make you do anything. You think for yourself, it is not a cult, and you are not required to make a tape of your deepest and darkest secrets. How silly! Auditing sessions are confidential and only conducted if and when someone is interested and ready. If only people would take some time and do a little homework instead of ridiculing something they know nothing about. Andrew Morton needs another hit, and none of his books have sold like the ones he did on Princess Di. He is beyond desperate at this point.

  2. Julie

    I cannot wait to read this book. Everything I have read so far is totally believable to me. Actually, there is nothing too crazy to believe where Xenu and Tom are concerned.

  3. Granger

    I’m guessing Andrew Morton did his homework before writing this book. The threat of a potential lawsuit would make any author do at least some research before putting pen to paper. Does that mean I believe everything he says? No. The idea that Suri is L. Ron Hubbard’s daughter through sperm donation is completely nuts. But Morton can probably transfer the blame for that comment on some reliable source, or maybe he wrote it as his own personal opinion — which, if worded correctly, should be safe from legal action.

    As for Scientology, any religion that makes you pay to learn more and “ascend” to higher levels is a cult, in my opinion. And anybody with half a brain can see that the celebrity and wealthy members of Scientology are treated VERY differently than your average joe…

  4. HelenSparkles

    Andrew Morton weathered the accusations that his book about Diana was lies, & it really wasn’t, he would have been much more cautious about a litigious Cruise.

  5. Scientology

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
    That’s all I’ve got for this.

  6. blah

    I guess we should forget the fact that L Ron Hubbard had flaming red hair, pale skin and freckles. Besides, you can see the resemblance between Suri and Tom. Suri has Tom’s original nose. Remember that one? Anyways, yes, Scientology is crazy, but given how tight a hold Tom has on Katie, I seriously doubt he’d let someone else’s man spackle anywhere near Katie.

  7. Sarah

    OMG!! It makes total sense!
    No wonder he divorced Nicole, she was WASTING LRH’s sperm!! He needed a fresh, untainted womb in Katie, so he could create Suri so he can advance to the next level in Creepytology.
    ROFLMAO this is so funny!!!
    I’m dying to read it!

  8. DruNken LauRen

    I am no fan of Crazy Tom, BUT NO ONE SHOULD INSULT HIS DAUGHTER. It is not the baby’s fault that her dad has jumped on sofas and so on……

    That is his baby and I believe they had sex to create this little girl. Now get over it people.

    I think he is weird and Katie should keep her guard UP, but I think he loves his kid and no one should touch THAT subject. PERIOD!!!!!!

  9. Lola

    Sorry, I’m still convinced that Chris Klein is Suri’s biological father. Do the math, people!

  10. Sloane

    My guess is Morton put the paternity part in the book for entertainment. According to reports, to refute the allegation Tom would have to take a paternity test.

  11. And I will sue his company for a trillion dollars for making such crappy movies. STFU Tom.

  12. JD

    It all makes sense to me. Run Katie, as fast as you can and take the little spawn with you.

  13. stacey

    Suri is not tom’s shes chris’s baby! look at the two next to each other – with nk announcing her pregnancy that just Proves that tom is STERILE and cant have kids so! im sure hes kicking his self now (he should have put a no pregnancy clause in his and nk divorce clause!)

  14. stacey

    Suri is not tom’s shes chris’s baby! look at the two next to each other – with nk announcing her pregnancy that just Proves that tom is STERILE and cant have kids so! im sure hes kicking his self now (he should have put a no pregnancy clause in his and nk divorce clause!)

  15. TheExpatriot

    Scientology is a greedy cult. And Tom Cruise loves the cock. End of story.

  16. T-Byrd

    hey Tanya:

    Tonya says:
    That is the most ridiculous I’ve read. I am a Scientologist, and the church does not make you do anything.

    You are not a Scientologist, you are creepologist. Scientology isnt a Church, its a fucking CULT you brain dead, oblivious imbecile! Its a friggen money grubbing cult that does nothing to promote the betterment of society. Nothing that the COS does comes anywhere close to the definition of a religion. How in the hell our country decided to give it tax exempt status as a religion is beyond my comprehension and understanding.

    So as a Weirdologist do you believe in the evil alien Xenu too? L Ron was a science fiction writter…that should have been your first clue. but i forgot you are brain dead and oblivious to reality.

  17. T-Byrd

    hey Tanya:

    Tonya says:
    That is the most ridiculous I’ve read. I am a Scientologist, and the church does not make you do anything.

    You are not a Scientologist, you are creepologist. Scientology isnt a Church, its a fucking CULT you brain dead, oblivious imbecile! Its a friggen money grubbing cult that does nothing to promote the betterment of society. Nothing that the COS does comes anywhere close to the definition of a religion. How in the hell our country decided to give it tax exempt status as a religion is beyond my comprehension and understanding.

    So as a Weirdologist do you believe in the evil alien Xenu too? L Ron was a science fiction writter…that should have been your first clue. but i forgot you are brain dead and oblivious to reality.

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