Xenu Help Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise may unleash a $100 million dollar lawsuit against author Andrew Morton whose new book insinuates that Suri Cruise’s real father is….L Ron Hubbard’s frozen sperm. Ewwww. This is some science-fiction soap opera shite! Morton’s unauthorized biography of Tom Cruise refers to Suri Cruise as “Rosemary’s Baby” and says that Katie Holmes was turkey basted with the Scientology founders seed to create the next Scientology superbaby or something.

The book is also full of other incredibly hot tidbits. Morton claims that Cruise is actually the second-highest member in the Scientology hierarchy, and that the Scientologists once installed a field of wildflowers for Tom and ex-wife Nicole Kidman to run through. Hay fever. Why Nicole didn’t immediately run screaming is now evident. When you first enter into the church, they have you make an “audit” tape revealing your darkest secrets.

There’s allegedly one Nicole made and it’s supposed to be sexy talk. So she doesn’t want that getting out. Paul Bloch of gay space queen’s staff says “the author never interviewed anyone close to Tom Cruise. If they had, there would have been no book to be written.” And Block went on to call the book “a vicious and false attack on a man, his religion and his family.” It’s kind of a howl to call Suri Rosemary’s Baby, but when she reaches 18 and calls down the legion of Xenu star destroyers to kill all of us, we’ll know where Morton was coming from.

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