The Wayne Stays in the Picture

As you may know, due to my recent crimes against ‘The Biz’ (and by crimes I mean not working as an actor for over one, two…OK fine, three years), I have been sentenced to do community service by rambling drunkenly about celebrities on the “Liquid Lunch Podcast” every week. And now since I missed my washed up actor parole hearing due to a D-lister’s birthday party at The Abbey, I am now being forced to write a weekly column for the infamous blog “A Socialite’s Life.” I am extremely sexcited! Really, I am. To begin, I want to take this time to directly address a few of those silly celebs we have all developed a special taste bud for, since I’m sure they are going to read this and take all my advice to heart. I am all about helping the more (or moral-less) fortunate.

#1 Tara Reid: Well, way to screw up my first column Tara. My first draft had a whole rant on your fabulous out-of-controlness. Even though I know it’s old material and too much has been written on the subject already, I was going to offer my services as a fun sober sister for a few nights. I thought you could come over to my place and we could play some Jenga. But not that “truth or dare” version of Jenga. I could see how that would lead to trouble and botched surgery scars being flashed in my face. But now, it seems you have turned over a new leaf. You are now the classy Hollywood socialite, Ms. Reid and let me just say- I hate it. Bring back Trashy Tara! She was so much more fun. Some day we will look back at the days of boob flashing and crying at weddings you weren’t even invited to as the golden years of New Hollywood.

Wayne Ford discusses Tyra and Lindsay after the jump.

Written by Wayne Ford

#2 Tyra Banks: You’re my girl. You are. I really dig the outreach you do on that documentary program ‘America’s Next Top Bulimic…um I mean Model.’ That’s important work and with Tivo it’s fun to pause the moment you can see the girls dreams being crushed. Plus the Tyra Banks Show on The C-Dubya is riveting and smart television….well at least it is for a certain demographic. But I’m sorry to tell you that you may be losing your mind. There is a fine line between funny crazy and just straight up crazy crazy. I don’t like cringing while I watch you convulse on the ground yelling ‘YOU ALL GET VASELINE AHAHA VASELINE!‘ When you’re more bizarre than MadTV’s impressions of you, then something is very wrong. I think you are probably just stressed and need to relax that flat screen of a forehead. Ooh ooh, idea! Wanna come play Jenga with Tara and me? I’ll make dirty martinis (not for you Tara…sit back down. Yes, I know I said I like Trashy Tara and I do…just not around my glass West Elm coffee table).

#3 Lindsay Lohan: You are like a perfect graceful swan- Don’t change a thing. HA! You thought I was gonna say something snarky and borderline mean, but I didn’t. You don’t know me! Not yet anyway…I guess you’ll have to read my new column EVERY WEEK. I win! You can go back to MySpacing now.