The Walls Of Linnethia Come Tumbling Down: The Real Housewives Of Atlanta Episode Recap

This week’s Real Housewives of Atlanta episode brought us tears of pain, two ladies jogging down a highway, more eye makeup than the entire cast of Circque du Soleil combined and hairstyles that will change faster than you can say “Tardy For The Party.”

Let’s get down to business, shall we?

Act 1: Glue Your Wig Down

We begin this episode of RHOA with Kim “Pop Star” Zolciak about to embark on a run with her new assistant, Sweetie. Really? Her name is Sweetie? Can we just pretend it’s Prissy and make it more stereotypical? By the way, does anyone else love how they are running along like a highway? Talk about attention whore. And really, did they think they could get a beer from the beer delivery guy? What I also enjoy is that while Kim is afraid to jay-walk and get arrested for that, she’s perfectly okay with drinking a beer out on bench in front of a strip mall. Aren’t there open container laws? Trash-tastic. And then we get to Phaedra, who I really don’t like. She wears more eye makeup than a clown employed by Barnum & Bailey. And I love that Nene calls her out for being a ‘high-profile’ attorney. Agreed, Miss Nene, Bobby Brown WAS 10 years ago.

Next up we touch base with Kandi in the studio with Ne-Yo, which is impressive. Also, can they provide us with a list of hits she’s written because I’m tired of hearing the “No Scrubs” reference. I have to say that I enjoy her a lot and I’m so happy we found out what the hell happened with “Tardy For The Party” and how Kim cock-blocked her from any profits. Shady bitch. However, I do think at the end of the day that Kandi will earn her money back from other ventures than Kim’s TFTP profits.Huzzah!

Lawrence returns to visit miss Sheree before she goes on a blind date. Here’s my thing about Sheree – she’s gorgeous, always put together and looks amazing. But then she speaks and I just loathe her. Also, what I love about this scene is that Sheree’s nipples are either cock-eyed or one is camera-shy and the other is a superstar.

Act 2: Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

We meet Ms. Cynthia, and her spiky, straw hair…no thank you. Hell in the next scene, I didn’t even recognize her with her different hairdo. She and Nene talk marriage and it’s pretty much clear that Nene and Greg aren’t going to work through their problems and Cynthia has yet to marry her boyfriend Peter, who is 50. No clue how old Cynthia is… And we bring up Nene’s son, Brice, who she kicked out of the house. Good for her. When your kids don’t listen, don’t put up with it. “I gotta get my happy back” Every time she says “Peter,” I think of this video and the phrase, “Peter in the park.” Seriously, my head is spinning with the amount of hairstyle changes. I can’t keep up.

Back to Sheree, who goes out on her date and it looks as though she is going to a sketch part of Hotlanta, into a dive bar in the middle of a strip mall. What I love about Sheree is that when she is angry, she doesn’t stop smiling and her inner monologue always escapes her mouth. And what I love is that she tries to be a bitch, like she’s better than him, but he totally creeps into her and kinda wins her over. But the end of that date…gah, so awkward. Hate watching those moments because you can sympathize with how uncomfortable it is.

Act 3: An Example Of Tough Love

Kim gets a call to perform at the White Party in Palm Springs, where she’ll be performing in front of 10,000 gays…well, mostly gays. Also, it’s not like she has a huge-ass repertoire of songs to sing or that she’s gonna perform covers. She has one song. And I love that she just assumes Kandi will want to go with her and help boost her.

Cut to Kandi rehearsing at Cynthia & Peter’s club, which the song we hear…I kinda dig.

Then we get to Nene and Brice having the conversation about how much of a bum he is. And then loses it. While it’s not the first time we’ve seen Nene cry, we see her in a new light as a very loving mother. And then she rips him a new asshole. I’m sure mothers everywhere rejoiced in her lecture. I know I did. Then they discuss him moving home for 90 days to save up money to get his own place. “When you out, you is out.”

Act 4: The Rematch Of Dwight And Nene…Oh, And Kandi Sings

All the ladies get together for Kandi’s performance – Kim looks a damn mess with that shitty hair, Sheree is again flawless, Nene looks tame, Lawrence looks like a ringmaster and Cynthia again is paired with Dwight and her hubby Apollo, all the while wearing bottles of body glitter on her eyelids. Awful.

Lawrence breaks the news about Phaedra’s hubby being in prison. Dramaz!

Of course Nene and Dwight are feet apart and do the whole “I’m avoiding you” glares the entire night. Did anyone else notice that in all the cut-away interviews they basically said they didn’t pay attention to Kandi?

Act 5: Tears and ring bling

Well, they go off to a side room to have a discussion which I think resolves nothing but allows Nene to get a lot of shit off her chest and talk about how hurt she was. He knows he got into trouble and caught at being a shady friend.

One-Liner Of The Night Award: Lawrence – “Yeah, honey, every once in a while you gotta get them pipes cleaned, boo.”

Until next week, peaches…