The Real Housewives of Orange County: Quickie

January 27th, 2009 // Leave a Comment

Vicki takes Jeana to meet her hometown friends in Chicago. They’re
just like Vicki–crazy eyes, disheveled hair, a glass of Chardonnay fixed to their claws. Vicki claims to want to move back, asking if she’d fit in and mentioning “sleepovers.” Vicki thinks she’s 14. Her friends hesitate appropriately. Perceptive Jeana asks them if they could “stand her,” proving Jeana is the only Housewife that doesn’t deserve a faultline opening up in her overpriced home.

Tamra accompanies Mom to her facelift. A fun mother/daughter bonding experience! Why not just inject Botox into each other’s faces and call it a day? Tamra sees into her immediate future as the plastic surgeon marks Mom’s face.

Lynne and her overbaked children go to the spa. These people don’t get pampered enough? Raquel leaves early to get drunk, or to an AA meeting cause you know there’s a box of Franzia in her purse. Lynne sort of admits she’s had work done to her face, but the booze renders it useless.

Raquel ruins her sister’s massage by gabbing on her cell phone. Some people can’t afford massages everyday! Spoiled little gremlins. Raquel dons Daisy Dukes, diving into the bf’s Beamer. We don’t see him and he retain his dignity.

Lynne plays tennis with Alexa, noting she’s a “Viking girl.” Alexa responds, “You mean like dykes?” Her school could use a gay/straight alliance. Golddigger Gretchen visits a gym she and Jeff might invest in to assure her financial future. No need to send her dying fiance into cardiac arrest by asking to revise his will. “Sweetie, just keep it in your pockets, I’ll empty them before you go to the morgue.”

Gretchen’s friend Paul claims it’s a cross between a gym and a nightclub. Drinking and freeweights! Gretchen naturally turns every experience into softcore porn. A pink halter top on, she writhes atop Pilates machines. How she refrains from tongue-kissing the female instructor and selling it to Vivid Video, we’ll never know.

Back in Chicago, Vicki and Jeana meet with former cast member Kimberly Bryant, who has clearly fallen on hard times because Chicago is cold and windy and the O.C. has Mischa Barton and date-rapist sons!

Vicki alienates Jeana by describing her hometown friends as “my people.” Jeana compares her to Hitler. Vicki lets her kids sleep with their significant others in Jeana’s home. Vicki and Co. hook up with dudes in the bar. Vicki notes her “boobs keep wanting to come out and play.” Cancel that playdate–no one’s ready. Vicki’s hubby calls while she’s riding another dude’s lap. Donn is probably happy about this.


Vicki takes Jeana to meet her hometown friends in Chicago. They’re
just like Vicki–crazy eyes, disheveled hair, a glass of Chardonnay
fixed to their claws. Vicki claims to want to move back, asking if
she’d fit in and mentioning “sleepovers.” Vicki thinks she’s 14. Her
friends hesitate appropriately. Perceptive Jeana asks them if they
could “stand her,” proving Jeana is the only Housewife that doesn’t
deserve a faultline opening up in her overpriced home.

Tamra accompanies Mom to her facelift. A fun mother/daughter bonding
experience! Why not just inject Botox into each other’s faces and call
it a day? Tamra sees into her immediate future as the plastic surgeon
marks Mom’s face.

Lynne and her overbaked children go to the spa. These people don’t get
pampered enough? Raquel leaves early to get drunk, or to an AA meeting
cause you know there’s a box of Franzia in her purse. Lynne sort of
admits she’s had work done to her face, but the booze renders it
useless.

Raquel ruins her sister’s massage by gabbing on her cell phone. Some
people can’t afford massages everyday! Spoiled little gremlins. Raquel
dons Daisy Dukes, diving into the bf’s Beamer. We don’t see him and he
retain his dignity.

Lynne plays tennis with Alexa, noting she’s a “Viking girl.” Alexa
responds, “You mean like dykes?” Her school could use a gay/straight
alliance. Golddigger Gretchen visits a gym she and Jeff might invest in
to assure her financial future. No need to send her dying fiance into
cardiac arrest by asking to revise his will. “Sweetie, just keep it in
your pockets, I’ll empty them before you go to the morgue.”

Gretchen’s friend Paul claims it’s a cross between a gym and a
nightclub. Drinking and freeweights! Gretchen naturally turns every
experience into softcore porn. A pink halter top on, she writhes atop
Pilates machines. How she refrains from tongue-kissing the female
instructor and selling it to Vivid Video, we’ll never know.

Back in Chicago, Vicki and Jeana meet with former cast member Kimberly
Bryant, who has clearly fallen on hard times because Chicago is cold
and windy and the O.C. has Mischa Barton and date-rapist sons!

Vicki alienates Jeana by describing her hometown friends as “my
people.” Jeana compares her to Hitler. Vicki lets her kids sleep with
their significant others in Jeana’s home. Vicki and Co. hook up with
dudes in the bar. Vicki notes her “boobs keep wanting to come out and
play.” Cancel that playdate–no one’s ready. Vicki’s hubby calls while
she’s riding another dude’s lap. Donn is probably happy about this.

By J. Harvey

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