The Plastics

To celebrate the final season of The Hills (premiering tomorrow night on MTV), I thought it would be fun to take a looksie at the transformation of its most notorious cast members: Kristin Cavallari, Audrina Patridge, Stephanie Pratt aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand Heidi Montag.  Some cosmetic changes may have been subtle and noninvasive, while others were sponsored by Mattel.

MTV has been kind enough to keep pictures on their site from as far back as Laguna, so that the viewers (and Heidi’s mom) can remember what these fembots used to look like.  Heidi was a cute blonde when she first emerged on the scene.  Now, if you hold a candle to her face, it will undoubtedly melt off.  Hollywood’s a tough town and beauty is everything, but these reality chicks look generic as a result of their so-called upgrades. 

Let’s begin with Kristin Cavallari. From what I can tell, hers has been the most natural transformation. Remember the Uggs and denim skirts?  The short hair and skunky-chunk highlights?  Cavallari showcased the sh*t out of her high self esteem on Laguna Beach, so I’m not surprised to find her body parts still in their original form.  That’s not to say she hasn’t morphed into a Hollywood protoype, most likely with the help of a glam squad.  But it’s good to see that her ‘tude hasn’t changed much since the early days.  Although rumors of a nasty narcotics habit have me a bit disappointed.  Even though I’m Team Lauren, I respect Cavallari’s self-assured attitude.  You’re 80% submerged in superficial goo, Kristin.  Salvage the remaining 20% and keep that head above the water. 

Click the continue reading link below to read much more on the ladies of The Hills.

Audrina Patridge.  Hollywood is the ideal planet for lollipops like
Patridge.  She’s spacey, a little (ok, a lot) vapid and built like a
string bean.  Last season we were introduced to her ghetto alter
ego, Aud R.P., who went Rock Of Love on Cavallari over Justin
. Of course, this confidence came with a new set of tah
tahs.  Though she denies having surgery, there is no denying that
Patridge got a boob job.  She’s also juvederm’d the daylights out of her
lips  Forgive me for being a snotty-snot, but Patridge appears to the
the type of person who will do anything for fame (“leaking” a few
nudie photos
).  And how long have we been hearing about her new
reality show?  She announced she’s
leaving The Hills
, then decided
to stay
, perhaps because it dawned on her that she’s not very
talented.  I suppose she could just be a Maxim/FHM model until
there’s an opening in the playmate house.  Talk about being famous for
nothing.  Excuse me while I pour kerosene all over my college degree and
light a match.

Stephanie Pratt.  She-Pratt.  West Hollywood’s
sh*t-stirrer.  The saddest part about Stephanie’s transformation? She
wasn’t an uckly duckling to begin with.  She was a tall, willowy
California girl who learned a tough lesson through substance abuse (and
is still
).  She sold her sad-sack story of bullimia and body issues
to US, making pouty faces in a two-piece.  It reeked of
desperation and reaffirmed that none of the female castmates touch their
food.  Ever. *GASP.*  She-Pratt debuted a slimmer nose at the June 25th
premiere of Bruno, which made my heart sink a little.  And her
duckface shots at the MTV VMAs in August had me shaking my head in
disappointment.  Another sellout.

Heidi Montag.  The mayor
of slice-and-diceville
herself, Montag became the antithesis to
Dove’s “Real Beauty” campaign.  During The Hills marathon this
weekend, images of first-season Heidi flashed across the screen and I
could hear cries from a certain paid-for-by-MTV chalet in Colorado. I
don’t know where she went wrong, but Mother Montag forget to hug her
enough.  You know what? Let’s just blame this disgusting transformation
on Spencer Pratt.  That makes it much easier on everyone else. 
Montag has this idea that she is the next big triple threat. But she
can’t dance, she certainly can’t sing, and she probably can’t act (that
still remains to be seen.  By the way, America is mad as hell at Adam
. Don’t encourage her decisions with a cameo, man!).   It
breaks my heart a little to see how much Heidi’s appearance has
changed.  She’s a lost little girl inside that ball of wax, and
sometimes I wonder what would have been if she had remained friends with
Lauren.  Her only option after The Hills ends?  Definitely
.  Or designing clothing for pornography.

As for
Lauren Conrad, there doesn’t seem to be any evidence of a nose, boob or
any other body part job.  Like Cavallari, she may have just taken the
route of minimal calorie intake and excessive exercise supplemented with
a top-notch styling squad.  But then again, this is Hollywood.  And
nothing is as it seems in Hollywoodland.

Nostalgic? Me too.  Take a
look back at the trailer for the first season of The Hills
When things were simple and boobs, noses and laugh lines were in tact.

Props to MTV for providing me with ample television programming this weekend, and for keeping all sorts of Hills pictures up on their site.  You gotta see these.