The Paris Hilton Song

May 16th, 2006 // 24 Comments

No, this isn’t Paris Hilton singing a song. Comic Mark Manne has written a virtually humor free song called “Everything That is Wrong with America Today (a.k.a. The Paris Hilton Song).” Call me humorless, but wanting to hit someone in the face with a bat is just not funny (even if it is Paris Hilton).

Manne performed the snarky acoustic ballad at the Laugh Factory last weekend. Among Manne’s lyrical highlights: “Paris, I want to hit you in the face with a bat/Because you pampered your dog, then got rid of her when she got fat/Paris Hilton, why did they name you after that city?/’Cause Scranton Hilton has got a nice ring, a nice ring to me/Paris, do you sleep on a big pile of cash?/You must have paid the studio some money to put you in the ‘House of Wax’/'Cause you got no talent, you can’t act, and you can’t sing/You’re not that pretty, you’re not that hot, you’re not even interesting/You’re so mean, all bathed in green, a sex machine, until your cellphone rings, until your cellphone rings/Paris Hilton, why do I even know your name?/Is it the short skirts? No! ‘The Simple Life’? No! It’s cause you’ll have sex with anything/You’re so mean, all bathed in green, an amateur porno queen/Go away, just go away from here, go away.”

Acoustic Comic Burns Paris [Page Six]

(Images via Gossip Rocks)

By Miu von Furstenberg

  1. maggie

    Doesn’t being a “comic” imply you might be “funny”?

    I never thought I would ever take Paris’ side in anything, but this song is a nasty piece of work. Yeah, she’s an easy target, but this is a vicious rant–someone’s been thinking about Paris WAY too much.

  2. Liz

    I agree. What’s this guy’s problem. Actually I think Paris is very pretty and really pretty harmless. I don’t understand why people have a problem with her. If I were born into wealth like her I’d probably be doing the same thing. She actually seems to be a nice person. The Hilton family is an American treasure. Show a little respect.

  3. Green Eyed Angell

    An American treasure? Not in a million years! No, they are new-money trash.

    And I think the song is funny. (the bat part’s a little too much, but I think it’s there ’cause it rhymes).

  4. christina_the_wench

    I think it is ALL funny, even the bat part. I’d pay to see that actually. American treasure if America is into skanky whores.


    I agree. She is trash. And the point of the song is not her. Its about the ridiculousness of American Pop Culture which this piece of nothingness represents. And she is NOT pretty. She’s not ugly but she is certainly not HOT either. Oh and she is beyond dumb.

  6. tia

    I agree with the posters #3 and #4. This song is quite funny and she IS ugly. Paris looks like a giraffe with herpes.

  7. Viva Los Pantalones!

    None of that song is as amusing as the person who said they thought Paris was pretty and seemed like a nice person. I nearly gave myself a hernia laughing so hard. A nice person? Under what rock have you been living? NICE??? She’s the uber bitch. She’s a snot, a rich bitch who’s never done a thing of any merit for herself, who pees in her pants with gay abandon, slanders anyone who doesn’t pander to her, screws lecherous idiots on camera even though she knows they’re lecherous idiots, harrasses people, lies in court no less and gets herself photographed spreadeagled not wearing undergarments. She’s a real role model. She’s pure evil and should be stomped on. The guy is right: She is everything wrong with the world and celebrity these days.

    Yeah she seems GREAT.

  8. JRog

    Paris Hilton is anything BUT harmless. She’s slithered into the American consciousness in ways we will be reeling from for years to come. It is obviously uncalled for to actually hit her in the face with a bat, but she doesn’t deserve sympathy for someone joking about it. Comedians go too far…that’s why they’re funny.

  9. JRog

    Paris Hilton is anything BUT harmless. She’s slithered into the American consciousness in ways we will be reeling from for years to come. It is uncalled for to actually hit her in the face with a bat, but she doesn’t deserve sympathy for someone joking about it. Comedians go too far while commenting on life…that’s why they’re funny.

  10. amadeus

    She is a giraffi with herpes…

  11. amadeus

    She is a giraffe with herpes…

  12. danny

    umm actually its people who think that paris hilton is whats wrong with america that are really whats wrong with america. she is an insignificant nothing compared to you know, the problems in this country. if i had that much money i would do whatever the fuck i want, too. i would. and also, calling someone ugly is retarded. jealous much?

  13. doofus

    uh, liz?

    if you freely admit that if you had her money, that you’d do the same thing, then you’re as useless as she is.

    if you had her money, and didn’t have to work, the “nice” thing to do would be to do charity work a la Angelina. Do something for the less fortunate since YOU were so fortunate to be born into such wealth.

    pretty? yeah, the huge hands and feet, that fake hair, the fake eyes, the fake tan and the lazy eye are SO attractive.

    nice? as Viva said, she is most certainly NOT nice. she is a racist bitch who throws tantrums when things don’t go her way.

    harmless? hardly. she is basically teaching a generation of young women that being slutty pays off.

    american treasure? yeah, a matriarch who wears a see-thru top with no bra to a major, media-covered event is SUCH a treasure!

    if I give you a dollar, will you go out and buy yourself a clue?

  14. danny

    you caring about her gives her power and wealth and fame because it certainly isnt from any particular talent. so guess what? you are the idiot. end of story.
    i dont understand how no one gets this.

  15. RunawayPoster

    Reminds me of the old one-liner of Dorothy Parker’s: You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think!

  16. Annie

    I think the song is great. And, oh, so true…

  17. Illinoise

    “Calling someone ugly is retartded”

    Quick, someone write that shit down. So smart, just like Paris Hilton.

    And yes, I too would rank the Hilton family up there with the Kennedy’s. An American Treasure? Fuck no.

  18. Shoe fetish

    As much as I think Parasite H. is spoiled rich brat, I LOVE the shoes she’s wearing in these pics. She has nice legs, too. Can’t tell if she’s got huge, transexual sized hands and feet, tho…

    Did she get a boob job? They look “fuller”. Retaining water, maybe. Try Pamprin.

    With her money, you’d think she could afford a pair of contacts that don’t look so freaking fake. She looks like she has cyborg eyeballs.

    Excuse me, Parasite! Stan Winston’s Creature Effects Shop would like their monster eyeballs back.

  19. maggie

    Liz—sorry they jumped all over you. Paris is a brainless ninny, but I agree she’s really harmless. She’s a young girl with abysmal judgment and terrible priorities, but she’s not malicious or out to hurt anyone, and the only damage she’s done is to herself. I really think the country has bigger problems than a ditsy blonde heiress. She demonstrates our moral laxness, but she sure didn’t cause it.

  20. MJ

    I found a recording of the actual song, it’s a little more funny with the music.

  21. MJ

    Sorry (blush) wrong link.

    This is the right one

  22. maggie

    I need to amend my post #19 after the Brandon Davis sleazefest which was cheered on by Paris. She IS malicious; not just malicious, but small-minded, vengeful, and hateful. She and Brandon Davis deserve each other in so many ways. They may not like Lindsay Lohan, but that girl earned her own money, and pays her own way.

  23. kittypet

    people… when you read lyrics or when you read transcripts of comedians stand-up, it never seems funny. You must see him perform live to actually have a valid opinion about the song. And, keep in mind, comedians push the envelope ON PURPOSE, that is what makes them funny. I can only assume Mr. Manne has no intention of hitting Paris Hilton with a bat… it is called comedy… haveb’t you ever seen a live comic?

  24. Miki

    Paris Hilton needs a hug.

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