The Bitter Craiglist Poster

March 23rd, 2005 // 4 Comments

I’m thinking someone needs to come up with an alternative way to meet people. The boards aren’t working too well for ya.

I Can’t Be the only One Out There Can I? – 39 (Manhattan)

In my long career of perusing these boards, other M2M sex services online, AOL, etc., it has come to my attention that most of you out there are not the slighest bit truthful. Yet, when I open my apartment door and see the whoreanus thing staring me in the face or dropping to his knees (even when my neighbors are in the hall), I have to say — enuf is enough!

OK. Let’s break it Down:

1. When you say you are VGL–I don’t necessarily mean you have to look like a statue or someone who works out 24/7, All I expect is that you practice basic hygiene and take care of yourself and at least make attempts at going to the gym.

2. When you say you are hung big and thick, I don’t want to reach down your waistband and think, IS THAT ALL THERE FUCKIN IS? OH NO SHE DIDN’T! When I say I want Hung, I want Hung. I don’t want no skinny ass pencil dick that lays there and drips, I want a big fat fucking Rhino Dick shoved down my throat and rammed up my ass (with lube of course, that would be the polite thing to do first!).

3. When you say shaved head: I mean shaved heads are sexy, Shiny White Dome Cone Head Creatures are not sexy. Enough Said.

The rant continues after the jump

4. When I say I want a shaved/hairless tight bottom: What I’m saying is that the ass better have done her homework on the stairmaster and he better have enemaed shit out and is clean and trimmed down there to say the least. I don’t want no purple veined fisted out criscoed out hole from the Black party showing up at my door at 3pm who hasn’t slept in three days, yet still managed to get herself fucked by more than 3 men. That just isn’t pretty.

5. When you say PNP. I expect some play. I”m tired of damn crystal tweakers who can’t get it up, look like used bitches cum rags and still wanna get fucked. IT AIN’T GONNA HAPPEN GIRLFRIEND!

6. If you say you are 40: then 40 is cool. I am cool with 40, but sister, don’t tell me that you is 40 when you show up at my door –proceed into my apartment, take out your teeth on my side table, open your poppers and expect me to drop Trou. AIN’T GONNA HAPPEN MISS THING. You is 60 if you is a day under that, then I should drop dead. I know MISS SIXTY when I see MISS SIXTY. YOU IS SIXTY.

7. If I slam the door in your face: You know what, you lied you lying sack of shit and you were not even 1/4 of what you said you were and you looked like a pie-eyed partying piece of shit, and NO, girlfriend, you did not look in the mirror on the way out the door, duz your teeth are still dirty, your pants are dirty, you are sweatin like a big ol’ cum rag washed up from a circuit party and you look PLAIN SPENT. Not pretty.

There, I’m done for now I think.

[via Craiglist - thanks D.J.]

By Miu von Furstenberg
asl

  1. Matte

    Haha… wow, hey bitter!

  2. MT

    Does Perez Hilton know this dude stole “whoreanus” from him? Unless, this dude IS Perez Hilton!

  3. mediaphyter

    Finally, an honest personals ad.

  4. doesntgiveashit

    i dont give a shit

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