Tabloid Roundup: Nick and Vanessa Cause a Stir

Bombing Lebanon you say?! Psht, who cares about that this week with all the torrid celebrity gossip? On to the tabloids!

InTouch Weekly and OK! have the Nick and Vanessa relationship story. The InTouch weekly article backtracks to their first meeting at the 2003 Miss Teen USA pageant, where he was a judge and she was a contestant. The magazine then chronicles the on-camera chemistry they shared on TRL, and the inevitable reference to “What’s left of me,” and their all-too-good acting. InTouch includes their Cabo San Lucas pictures, and pictures of them the night where Nick and Vanessa were in the same club as Jessica Simpson, and apparently kissed only feet from Jessica, which brought her to tears. Man servant Ken Paves escorted Jessica out, apparently reminding her that she left him, and she made the choice.

Much has also been made of Vanessa’s diva attitude. She previously dated Derek Jeter of the New York Yankees. Vanessa was abandoned as a child, so she has issues with trust and people, causing what apparently is a diva attitude. People worry Vanessa’s attitude will cause a rift between she and Nick.

Somehow I gather that “Miss Teen USA” gives the impression of diva? Jessica was diva about a lot of things in her life, such as her need for everything Louis Vuitton, and large spending sprees for gifts. Vanessa cannot be worse than Jessica. If she knows what platypus, buffalo wings, and Chicken of the Sea are, than she’s already ahead of the curve. Both want children, and I say, hey, more power to them. My thing is this, Nick is one lucky bastard. He can’t dance, he’s not that attractive, and he’s really a meathead in the purest sense. He’s even got a frat boy tribal arm band tattoo, yet he managed to upgrade from Jessica Simpson to Miss Teen USA, and she wants children. Any time someone takes a shot at Jessica Simpson, an angel gets it’s wings, and we all know Ryan Dunn, Bam Margera, Johnny Knoxville, Adam Levine, and Dane Cook have all “taken shots” at her. The collective IQ of that group is 7; my gym socks have more potential then all of them.

More of Joshua Martin’s Tabloid Roundup, after the jump.

Us Weekly and People this week are hoping back on the marriage bandwagon. In the past week, Pam Anderson got engaged to Kid Rock on her Bikini tour de force. She was seen everywhere in something scantily clad, her children in tow, no less. She said she was surprised, but was happy it is happening. She was the one who previously broke off the engagement, but has recently said, “I realized there was no one better than Bob,” referring to Kid Rock and his penchant for Monopoly date nights with her kids.

People covers the secrets of the Sandra Bullock – Jesse James marriage, and how it’s stayed so strong. She says he’s very sweet and hands on, he sends her messages, and was the first to get in contact to see if she was single. She said the secret was “Sex, sex, sex, fun, and more sex,” and that’s what is keeping their marriage together. They also take in hurt animals. Their one year wedding anniversary gift to each other was a one-eyed Chihuahua named Bebe. They saw it and fell in love, it needed a home.

One couple has lots of sex, a bad boy image, surprise engagement, and people are waiting for a train wreck. One couple has lots of sex, a bad boy image, a surprise marriage, and people can’t get enough of them. It probably has something to do with the Hepatits C, Pam–a notorious PETA spokesperson–having a restaurant that serves meat, and a video tape with Tommy lee that I have studied like a grad student. I also would point out the fact everyone loves Sandra Bullock. She can be a closet freak, and that’s okay. Pam Anderson has breasts so big her children sit under them on the beach for shade. Jesse James is a bad boy who loves motorcycles and neglected animals. Kid Rock loves strippers and videos with Scott Stapp. You’ve hit an all time low when you’re in a sex tape with Scott Stapp. Seems to me the score is Sandra Bullock 1 – Pam Anderson 0.

Written by Joshua Martin