Spencer Pratt’s Advice Column Will Never Be As Hot As ‘Unqualified With J. Harvey.’ Never.

March 25th, 2008 // 15 Comments

Radar magazine gave Hills douche Spencer Pratt an advice column. How come they didn’t give me one? I’ll pose wearing bunny ears with that slut he runs around with! I’ve got no morals, too!

Spencer’s first advice offering was to a girl who wrote in about peeing in a one night stand’s bed. She said she was all mortified. His response:

Wow! This is a situation you do not want to find yourself in. I personally would never want to be with a girl who gets so wasted that she’s pissing in bed. It’s time to sign up for AA, my dear, because drunks are not sexy. Regardless, if the guy’s really, really, really cool, he might understand. But I wouldn’t count on it. Best bet is to be honest and tell him that was the drunkest you’ve ever been and that it was a huge mistake and it’ll never happen again. And make sure you buy him new sheets.

He’s an idiot and totally wrong. Drunks are incredibly sexy. Hell, most of my sexual encounters pre-the boyfriend were under the influence of alcohol. I don’t have a lot to work with but my capacity for alcohol and encouraging other people to drink is legendary. Alcohol makes people sexy!

And who hasn’t pissed a bed after you passed out? Have these douchebags ever been to Boston? Christ, who gave this chump a column? Don’t buy him new sheets! Just leave! And if you see him in a bar again, laugh at him. His friends will probably still want to bang you. Guys get over that stuff unless it’s a big vagina like Spencer Pratt. He’d probably insist on new sheets. He’s that type of heifer.

Honey, write to me next. I’ll take care of you. Screw AA, let’s go get a pint and run topless down the street.

Photos: SplashNewsOnline.com

By J. Harvey
  1. rootabega

    please- take my hand in marriage. i have asked you!

  2. J.Harvey 4 President

    I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE you J…!

  3. rootabega

    fuck off gimmemore

  4. Chrissy O.

    Yes J., I love you as well. And as for that douchebag getting an advice column, I mean COME ON!!! He is the last person on the planet I’d want advice from! Except maybe his vapid slut of a girlfriend.

  5. Leigh B

    Love you J. Harvey!! You’re so right, Spencer needs to come to Boston and see how we do it up crazy here!

  6. Lisa

    And your resoponse is the perfect example of why he got the column and you didn’t! Feeble minds will find your response ammusing but anyone with a single bit of class or professionalism will not!

    I love your site because of the pictures and celebrity updates but I guess I’m too intelligent to be ammused by your idiotic comments that you and other empty brains find humerous. I’m waiting for the day to come where there is an actual reputable gossip magazine on the market. One where you can actually believe the comments made and find them informative instead of critical!

  7. Fran

    I love reading what you write. LOVE IT!!! You sum up my thoughts and perceptions of these two assclowns so well. Thank you.

  8. Dena

    Lisa are you on the Pratt payroll? WTF? Quite a bit of time spent on that post…no? Why don’t you go compliment yourself on another site. Do you really spend your time waiting for reputable gossip magazines to go on the market? You’re so professional and intelligent! You go girl!

    Love you J!!!

  9. Loob

    “Don’t buy him new sheets! Just leave! And if you see him in a bar again, laugh at him.”

    AHAHAHA!
    Hey, tell him HE pissed the sheets. Then look grossed-out and shudder a little.

    Heehee Yes, Lisa above, we can tell how smart you are. The impressive number of spelling mistakes is a big help there.

  10. Zekers

    …not only the spelling Loob, but isn’t a “reputable gossip magazine” a bit of an oxymoron??? Anyway, this Spencer person is such a joke…why he gets so much attention is beyond me.

  11. Loob

    heehee! Indeed Zekers, but deep down don’t we all hope for one? ;D

    Hey, hope you had an awesome Easter!

  12. spaz

    zekers, you said it.

    “reputable gossip mag”? um, if it’s gossip that’s being reported, how can it BE a reputable mag?

    oh, lisa, dear…just read “People” or some other mag that fawns over the celebs. that’s not what THIS site is for.

    yeah, I guess you’re just “too intelligent” to get it. your spelling indicates just how intelligent you are. oh, and did I mention, classy and professional, too?

  13. Zekers

    Oh, aren’t we just the little bitches this morning?! I love it!!!

    Thanks Loob, I did have a good Easter. We played X-Box “Rock Band” all weekend, sang my little heart out!
    How about you?

  14. dee

    more importantly, who reads Radar?

  15. Loob

    That sounds groovy, Zekers!
    I drank too many frappuchinos, and I also bought this awesome thing that is a kitchen knife holder in the shape of a plastic dude, and all the knives are sticking out of him!
    I also played the Fug Brackets game, which is on right now to determine the fugliest of the fugly.
    (I hope Lisa and J.Harvey wont mind if I mention that. It’s great fun is all, and it’s on at gofugyourself.com) :D

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