Spencer Pratt’s Advice Column Will Never Be As Hot As ‘Unqualified With J. Harvey.’ Never.

Radar magazine gave Hills douche Spencer Pratt an advice column. How come they didn’t give me one? I’ll pose wearing bunny ears with that slut he runs around with! I’ve got no morals, too!

Spencer’s first advice offering was to a girl who wrote in about peeing in a one night stand’s bed. She said she was all mortified. His response:

Wow! This is a situation you do not want to find yourself in. I personally would never want to be with a girl who gets so wasted that she’s pissing in bed. It’s time to sign up for AA, my dear, because drunks are not sexy. Regardless, if the guy’s really, really, really cool, he might understand. But I wouldn’t count on it. Best bet is to be honest and tell him that was the drunkest you’ve ever been and that it was a huge mistake and it’ll never happen again. And make sure you buy him new sheets.

He’s an idiot and totally wrong. Drunks are incredibly sexy. Hell, most of my sexual encounters pre-the boyfriend were under the influence of alcohol. I don’t have a lot to work with but my capacity for alcohol and encouraging other people to drink is legendary. Alcohol makes people sexy!

And who hasn’t pissed a bed after you passed out? Have these douchebags ever been to Boston? Christ, who gave this chump a column? Don’t buy him new sheets! Just leave! And if you see him in a bar again, laugh at him. His friends will probably still want to bang you. Guys get over that stuff unless it’s a big vagina like Spencer Pratt. He’d probably insist on new sheets. He’s that type of heifer.

Honey, write to me next. I’ll take care of you. Screw AA, let’s go get a pint and run topless down the street.

Photos: SplashNewsOnline.com