Slovenly Housewife-Lookin Guy Is A Flight Risk

August 17th, 2007 // 10 Comments

Seriously, he looks like that mom that one of your friends had that was always smoking and had a baby on her hip and let her dog go all over the yard. Pull it together, lady! Uncle Kracker’s five million bond for his sex offense charge is because he foolishly told the cops he would flee to avoid charges if given the chance. This is why when the cops get involved, you should will yourself sober and shut your cakehole.

According to the arrest documents obtained by TMZ, “arresting officers informed this court that [Kracker] made statements that he would immediately fly back to Michigan to avoid charges.” Kracker, who was determined to be “a nationally known singer with major assets at his disposal” was then branded an “exceptionally high flight risk.” His bond was then set at a cool $5 mil.

Raleigh Police tell TMZ that Kracker was busted early Friday morning after a 26-year-old female approached an off-duty cop in a nightclub and reported that “he had committed a sexual act against her while she was inside the establishment.”

Dummy. Who are these people? Kracker had a platinum-selling album. If you can’t get laid, hire someone. You’ve got the money, you hillbilly! Kid Rock is not amused by any of this. First his midget died, and now this.

By J. Harvey
asl

  1. T-Bone

    I’d do him in a New York minute, who cares if he looks just like my brother

  2. THE REAL T-BONE

    lookwhaticando – you’re going to get banned off the site for a second time, if you keep up. Grow up.

  3. Joley

    Remember when he used to be hot? What happened?

    By the way, J, youre still hilarious.

  4. hmweis1

    I think “nationally known singer with major assets at his disposal” is a little stretch of the truth.

  5. Darth Paul

    Not a good shot, but he IS quite fuckable. I’m dreaming of a Kracker-Fatone spitroast…

  6. He probably just slapped her with his dick or something.. I heard the bail was reduced to under than 100k and he flew back to home this afternoon.

    Later,
    Tom

    P.S. What kind of idiot thinks they can avoid being charged with a serious crime just by going to another state? Detroit isn’t Paris buddy, and you’re no Roman Polanski.

  7. Zekers

    “Slovenly Housewife-Lookin Guy”
    He is…he really is…hahahahahaha!
    That was great J.!
    He sounds pathetically entitled.

  8. K

    OMG. When I saw the pic, I thought of an ex co-worker and wondered how Melanie was doing and good to see her, ehr…WTF?

    Only a desperate dyke would want to “do” this guy!

    GROSS!

    Since when did having two mediocre top 40′s songs make someone a “nationally known singer”?

  9. shorty

    If any of you actually followed Uncle Kracker you would know that he has 3 Cds out and a 4th coming.. not “two mediocre top 40′s songs” and there isn’t anyone on the planet that looks good in a mug shot.

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