J. Harvey In Mourning As Scott Caan Is Now Dead To Him
Just in time, too because this photo proves he’s losing his looks.
As my 4.5 (one of them’s very short) readers know, I have had a love affair with Scott Caan for some time now. It all started with a little movie called “Varsity Blues”. It’s a dumb movie about dumb football players in Texas. In it, Scott played the dirtbag best friend of the lead character (“I don’t want your life!”) and spent one scene naked except for a cowboy hat and driving a police car. It was lust at first sight. His perky cantaloupe-like buttocks could have launched a 1,000 ships. That cocky swagger, and the permanent smirk on its way to sneer sent waves of tingly feelings through J. Harvey. He was every bully that I ever found to be the hotness. And has seemingly no compunctions about baring his ass on camera. In fact, sometimes all we see of Scott is the backend of him. Fine by me. And all this time, I had hoped that he was actually the jerk with a heart of gold. Despite seeming like a hot ruffian, maybe he had an artist’s soul. After all, he doesn’t just play the shithead best friend in several fair-to-middling movies (and one recurring role in the Ocean’s double digit flicks which I haven’t seen because I think they’re an excuse for Clooney, Pitt and Damon to holiday together). He’s also apparently a somewhat talented director! Swoon!
*sound of needle scratching on a record*
What’s that, now?
Big man with fists. Here’s things you could have called him to express your displeasure because I know you already used “jack-off” which is legit: nimrod, pinhead, jerk, dick, clown, asshole, f*cktard, nerd (I like that one – “Get a real job, nerd!”), doucebag, douchenozzle, douchenugget, chump or shithead. There’s a virtual UNIVERSE of smackdowns. But you had to go there, didn’t ya? Insecure cretin. Are you for real? You work in an industry FILLED with gay people and you’re dropping the “f-bomb”? So in your mind, the ultimate slander on a guy is to call him a “faggot”? For real? What’s wrong with you? You break my heart! I can’t ever look at you with lust ever again. And I’m spreading the word that you’re a complete tool starting now. You short little kumquat. That’s what it is – isn’t? Short man’s syndrome? You aren’t tall enough to ride the big daddy rides and it makes you feel all weak so you’re going to get all ignorant up in here? Well, that’s that. Badonka donk ass or not, you’re over and out. Maybe you should come out. Is that what the deal is? Your ass is gay and you’re hiding some secrets? And yeah, I’m of the mind that most homophobic bitches are gay or worried that they’re gay or worried that someone’s going to find out about the circle jerk they did during sophomore year in college so they get all stank about gay people. So sue me. Actually, Dickus here takes some GAY ASS photos (check it here, or here for example), so I might not be that far off. No straight man wears that much headgear or oils himself up so much. Well, Scotty, the only way you’re gonna redeem yourself is by filming an Isaiah Washington-type PSA and making out with me. So hop to it. Then again, nix the PSA, it’s not like you’re gonna harm a career that you don’t have, Surreal Life.
UPDATE: Shithead’s publicist obviously got in touch with him and chewed his ass out because he released this statement to TMZ:
Scott Caan issued the following statement to TMZ: “I am sorry for using such a derogatory word. I was being harassed by a paparazzi, and unfortunately, the word slipped out. I don’t ever condone the use of that word and I deeply apologize to anyone whom I may have offended.”
He’s so full of crap. GLAAD got involved and you know this little bitch was nervous about ever working again. Fear the gay mafia, shortie!
Photos: Flynet Onilne
More photos of asshole Scott Caan leaving the Newsroom are after the jump.
Photos: Flynet Onilne