J. Harvey In Mourning As Scott Caan Is Now Dead To Him

November 16th, 2007 // 35 Comments

Just in time, too because this photo proves he’s losing his looks.

Scott Caan.

As my 4.5 (one of them’s very short) readers know, I have had a love affair with Scott Caan for some time now. It all started with a little movie called “Varsity Blues”. It’s a dumb movie about dumb football players in Texas. In it, Scott played the dirtbag best friend of the lead character (“I don’t want your life!”) and spent one scene naked except for a cowboy hat and driving a police car. It was lust at first sight. His perky cantaloupe-like buttocks could have launched a 1,000 ships. That cocky swagger, and the permanent smirk on its way to sneer sent waves of tingly feelings through J. Harvey. He was every bully that I ever found to be the hotness. And has seemingly no compunctions about baring his ass on camera. In fact, sometimes all we see of Scott is the backend of him. Fine by me. And all this time, I had hoped that he was actually the jerk with a heart of gold. Despite seeming like a hot ruffian, maybe he had an artist’s soul. After all, he doesn’t just play the shithead best friend in several fair-to-middling movies (and one recurring role in the Ocean’s double digit flicks which I haven’t seen because I think they’re an excuse for Clooney, Pitt and Damon to holiday together). He’s also apparently a somewhat talented director! Swoon!

This all crashed to bits when I saw this footage. It’s Scott challenging a TMZ videographer to a fight. And ending the verbal slapfighting by calling him a “faggot”.

*sound of needle scratching on a record*

What’s that, now?

Big man with fists. Here’s things you could have called him to express your displeasure because I know you already used “jack-off” which is legit: nimrod, pinhead, jerk, dick, clown, asshole, f*cktard, nerd (I like that one – “Get a real job, nerd!”), doucebag, douchenozzle, douchenugget, chump or shithead. There’s a virtual UNIVERSE of smackdowns. But you had to go there, didn’t ya? Insecure cretin. Are you for real? You work in an industry FILLED with gay people and you’re dropping the “f-bomb”? So in your mind, the ultimate slander on a guy is to call him a “faggot”? For real? What’s wrong with you? You break my heart! I can’t ever look at you with lust ever again. And I’m spreading the word that you’re a complete tool starting now. You short little kumquat. That’s what it is – isn’t? Short man’s syndrome? You aren’t tall enough to ride the big daddy rides and it makes you feel all weak so you’re going to get all ignorant up in here? Well, that’s that. Badonka donk ass or not, you’re over and out. Maybe you should come out. Is that what the deal is? Your ass is gay and you’re hiding some secrets? And yeah, I’m of the mind that most homophobic bitches are gay or worried that they’re gay or worried that someone’s going to find out about the circle jerk they did during sophomore year in college so they get all stank about gay people. So sue me. Actually, Dickus here takes some GAY ASS photos (check it here, or here for example), so I might not be that far off. No straight man wears that much headgear or oils himself up so much. Well, Scotty, the only way you’re gonna redeem yourself is by filming an Isaiah Washington-type PSA and making out with me. So hop to it. Then again, nix the PSA, it’s not like you’re gonna harm a career that you don’t have, Surreal Life.

UPDATE: Shithead’s publicist obviously got in touch with him and chewed his ass out because he released this statement to TMZ:

Scott Caan issued the following statement to TMZ: “I am sorry for using such a derogatory word. I was being harassed by a paparazzi, and unfortunately, the word slipped out. I don’t ever condone the use of that word and I deeply apologize to anyone whom I may have offended.”

He’s so full of crap. GLAAD got involved and you know this little bitch was nervous about ever working again. Fear the gay mafia, shortie!

Photos: Flynet Onilne

More photos of asshole Scott Caan leaving the Newsroom are after the jump.

Photos: Flynet Onilne

By J. Harvey
  1. Applspice

    Well written. I like Nerd better to. My favorite is to call someone a choade.

  2. NYSailorScout

    Interesting. I would swear that Scott Caan is gay. And not only that, but I remember that the fact that he is gay is what has wrecked his relationship with his father (James Caan is a jerk.)

  3. John

    OMG – I was watching TMZ last night when this footage aired. I thought to myself…”J Harvey is going to come unglued!!”. It’s truly sad that he has to lower himself to that level. And he’s issued an apology if you can call it that. Good riddence to bad Hollywood D list trash.

  4. green cardigan

    Knob Cheese is another good one.

  5. john

    He’ll be lucky to make $20 for giving blowjobs in ten years!
    What a jerk!

  6. Jaime

    Well said J. Some guys should really just keep their mouths shut and just look pretty.

  7. J – this post brought a little tear to my eye. Parting is such sweet sorrow.

  8. max

    Ooooh, I like knob-cheese!

  9. Brad

    I use the word “dork” from time to time. It’s powerful.

    b

  10. What a total closet case… Does he think using THAT word is gonna make his wee wee any bigger? What a wimp… talk about over-compensation for lack of endowment…

  11. What a total closet case… Does he think using THAT word is gonna make his wee wee any bigger? What a wimp… talk about over-compensation for lack of endowment…

  12. Jane

    Seeing how gay personal ads are filled with ads looking only for “straight acting” partners, I’m not sure about what’s the big transgression here.

    At any rate, I’m tired of this sort of over-earnest morality over name-calling (and that includes n-word stuff as well.)

    If a simple word causes you untold emotional distress, you should seek therapy to get your emotions under control — not seek to control the speech of others. You, not others, are responsible for your own emotional reactions.

    If he called him a ‘pussy’ instead of a ‘faggot’, the women of the world would likewise have no reason to act like offended drama queens.

  13. nastybugger

    “slipped out”, eh?

    wouldn’t have “slipped out” if he wasn’t already thinking it.

    DOUCHE. or Knob cheese. I like that one.

  14. T-Bone

    Thou doth protest too much. Me thinks sir Caan might be grappling with his own gayness.

  15. mg

    Well said, J. Harvey. It’s tough when our crushes disappoint us.

  16. wackadoodle

    It’s a bad word but I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. Not enough to ruin his career over anyway

  17. 2BTru

    This isn’t the first time he’s done something like this. Years ago when he was first making a name for himself. He seems to love that word a lot.

  18. Bird

    Ooh! Ooh! I’m the short reader! I’m the .5!! I’m 4’10 and a half. Okay, I’m gonna go back and read the whole thing now. I’m sure it’s very well-written and hilarious. That way I don’t have to come back and comment again!

  19. JCGREEK1

    HE HAS A CAREER? LOL

    wackadoodle said:
    It’s a bad word but I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. Not enough to ruin his career over anyway

    Posted on November 16, 2007 12:38 PM

  20. Bird

    Okay, I’m doing it anyways. What a dick.

  21. slates81

    Mr. Caan deserves twenty lashings with a wet faggot.

  22. Sarafina

    Jane, I think the point is that society has progressed enough that we shouldn’t have to use gutter language to get our point across. Political correctness may go too far in some cases but we’re all big boys and girls and we can come up with something better than the term Mr. Caaninthecloset used. Personally, I prefer f*ckweasel.

  23. just askin

    I think the point is that society has progressed enough that we shouldn’t have to use gutter language to get our point across. Political correctness may go too far in some cases but we’re all big boys and girls and we can come up with something better than the term Mr. Caaninthecloset used.

    I’m not condoning the use of the word, but how are words like ‘dick,’ ‘f*ckweasel’ or any other of the myriad words used in this comments section/j.’s rant (including f*ggot itself) to describe Caan any less of “gutter language” than the word initially used? Apparently we haven’t come as far as Sarafina would like us to believe.

    If we’re all big boys and girls, we’d get off our morally-superior (and often hypocritical) high-horses, stop judging people who spew such trivial drivel (b/c in the grand scheme of things, it’s just a word) and give it the exact amount of attention it deserves: NONE. Like acknowledging certain mediawhoring celebrities by giving them the attention they are craving, blowing things out of proportion isn’t going to do any good. Stop demonizing these words and ignore those who use them and eventually, people will find new words to insult others with b/c words like f***** will have lost its appeal.

  24. 2 Old 4 This

    Knuckle Dragging Troglodyte is a personal fave – wouldn’t waste it on this assclown, though

  25. 2 Old 4 This

    Oh, and J – he’s not worthy!

  26. T-Bone

    Hey I like A$$clown. Now that one’s fun!

  27. J – since you’re finished with the AssHat, can I borrow him for a while? I have a few things he could do…

  28. meat

    honestly why get your panties in a wad? that word was used by young straight guys long before it was acceptable to be “out” in society. yes i agree it is derogatory and unacceptable language, but i highly doubt he meant it in that fashion. its just one of those words kids through around before they knew what it meant or how it would effect people. just relax. please.

  29. Christy

    Have you ever thought about stars being tired of people harrassing them, taking photos of them, to sell and make money off of or putting in a magazine? How would you feel if you were somebody like him in his shoes? You probably wouldnt like it. I mean, he’s just a regular person like you and me that just wants to be normal and have fun! I wouldnt like somebody taking pictures of me! Atleast he apologized for saying those words. It takes a real man to say he’s sorry! If I was famous, I would want to live a normal life, without people harrassing me and taking photos of me while I was minding my own business! Maybe you should mind your own business and keep you comments and opinions to yourself! You dont know how he feels. If one of your favorite stars got paparazzi, and they cussed them out, you’d probably say or think, ‘Well that’s ok, they should leave him/her alone anyways.’ I mean, you go out there and become famous and be a well-known actors son/daughter. You’re going to have people bothering you all the time, and that gets old. If I was him, I’d end up loosing my temper, and saying a few bad things too. You can’t beleive everything you hear too! I’m not saying your lieing or anything, but some messed up person, who is jeolous or something of Scott Caan, could just put a lot of stuff together, and posted it on the web or something. You can’t always believe what you hear. This could be untrue, and you dont even believe it, because you’re too buisy getting in his business to see the truth! Who cares if he shows his butt off in movies! You aint got to watch it! You can turn that channel or cut the TV off or something. Dont go accussing people before you know how they feel! You got to think about how they feel too, to understand whats wronge with them, or why they said or did something! So just chill out, and try minding your own business! You sound like you’d be a good paparazzi! You sound like somebody that gets all up in peoples business!

  30. Brad J

    Its unfortunate he made a comment like this. I would still fuck him in the ass though. Bend over Scott, Daddys comming home :)

  31. Brad J

    Its unfortunate he made a comment like this. I would still fuck him in the ass though. Bend over Scott, Daddys comming home :)

  32. Brad J

    Its unfortunate he made a comment like this. I would still fuck him in the ass though. Bend over Scott, Daddys comming home :)

  33. Brad J

    Its unfortunate he made a comment like this. I would still fuck him in the ass though. Bend over Scott, Daddys comming home :)

  34. kevin baker

    i dont care what he said i think he is a great actorand i love him to death

  35. Mark Smart

    Amazing. So many of your comments reinforce why people view you so negatively. He says a word that offends you. You not only do the same thing by name calling, you threaten him with needing to fear the gay mafia.

    Pathetic.

    Regarding the misuse of the word ‘homophobic’. A FEAR of homosexuality is what you accuse people who disagree with your lifestyle. Disagreeing is not the same as a fear. I don’t condone a married man or woman having an affair. I disagree with it. Does that mean we need to invent affairophobia? NAMBLA is a cover for pedifiles.

    All people (not ONLY gay people, but ALL people) are entitled to their opinions. With political correctness trying to over-ride free speech, we need more people with the courage to speak the truth lovingly, not hatefully.

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