Say Hello To More J. Harvey

November 27th, 2006 // 15 Comments

Fameish Media, LLC (http://www.fameishmedia.com) is proud to announce a new co-editor for it’s gossip blog, A Socialite’s Life (http://www.socialitelife.celebuzz.com). J. Harvey will be joining the vivacious Lisa Timmons as co-editor/writer/bitchface for A Socialite’s Life forever and ever until Lisa gets her TV show off the ground in which case J. Harvey’s coup worked and he’s now the SOLE editor and hardy hardy har har, Lisa – cuz you work in televison now and I make fun of celebrities from the safety of … my dirty apartment. Uh, yeah. Damn. *hangs head*

When asked to concoct a press release to announce his promotion at ASL, J. Harvey submitted whatever this mess is. Is this an interview? We didn’t interview him. He interviewed himself. Wasn’t this done before? Delusions of Dave Eggers much?

ASL: So can you tell us a little about yourself?

J. Uh, well I’m a rapidly aging pudgy homo who lives in the Boston area with my boyfriend and a couple of other gay roommates. It’s sort of like a commune, but with soap operas on the DVR and Barbies scattered about and no patchouli or oxen.

ASL: Barbies?

J.: Is there a problem?

ASL: Interesting. And what got you into writing?

J. : I’m not very athletic and I can’t make change in my head. So, I guess it was kind of predetermined.

ASL: What’s your background?

J.: I’m really just a dick with a laptop. But I have honed my snark talent watching a lot of TV and reading a lot of magazines and taking a lot of pills (prescribed of course) and mixing them with booze (that part wasn’t prescribed) and boring friends with stank observations about things that usually only suicidal office workers, hot women, and cranky gays care about.

ASL: Weren’t you ASL’s tv re-capper guy?

More from J. Harvey after the jump.

J.: Yeah, some months ago I answered a call for interns for ASL and for some ungodly reason – Miu and Michael took me on. I think they drink. A lot. So I began recapping TV shows as an intern and then got hired part time, and people seemed to dig my vapid commentary. Except for my family and friends who are always like “uh, you’re sorta funny but why are they so LONG?” Thanks for the support, assholes.

ASL: Will you still be re-capping TV shows?

J.: Yeah, probably not as many because I’ll be busy contributing to the main content of the site. But yeah, you’ll still see me writing about reality tv harlots, and hot-assed people on FX.

ASL: So what do you hope to accomplish in your new position at A Socialite’s Life?

J.: In all seriousness, if I can make someone crack a smile, laugh or even spit coffee all over their keyboard because of something I said – my work here is done. Our audience is obviously hot people who are trapped in boring office jobs or literate people on the dole who are faking disability or collecting unemployment or cheating welfare and have managed to grift enough money to purchase a computer. God bless. I hope you created another child so you could afford the scanner as well.

I want to make those people happy and make their days go by quicker. As Americans, we’re raised from birth to be part of this caffeinated vermin monotonous treadmill race that is so soul-deadening that it makes everyone want to huff gasoline and throw rocks at old women. I’ve worked in an office, and I know what it’s like. I’d rather Charles Manson kidnap my baby and take it to the mountains than have to endure meetings, e-mails, endless data entry, and that fucking tool who doesn’t know enough to check the little tray for paper before complaining that the printer is broken and wanting to log a ticket with IT. People need entertaining. Seriously. Can you feel me?

ASL: You’re kinda angry, huh?

J.: I’ll kill you.

ASL: No. So providing entertainment is your reason for being here?

J.: Yep. Oh, and I’m totally doing this for the money, too. Daddy’s gotta eat. How the hell am I supposed to keep this wattle going if I can’t make enough money to afford Kraft Macaroni & Cheese and hot dogs? And my boyfriend wants a new camera and he’s even lazier than I am.

Seriously – I can only hope to live up to the example set by the hilarious and gorgeous Ms. Timmons, our fine leader Mr. Prieve, and the other talented writers/editors/malcontents who run this bitch. I am the LUCKIEST guy in the entire world to be paid to do something I love. I feel like I hit the fucking lottery. If you like what I’m saying, post about it and let me know. I’m eternally grateful that people actually read what I’m writing. And if you don’t like it, die. Oh, and if you DO like it – support our advertisers so I can get a raise and make more scratch.

ASL: Well, thanks for taking the time to chat with us. And good luck. And thanks for that uh, monologue thingy and the blatant plea for more money or whatever that was.

J.: Sure. Oh, and be sure and write down that I’m also in this to hopefully one day meet Scott Caan and see him naked. Ok, I know he’s straight and I’m a goblin but whatever.

ASL: Will do. I gotta go now.

J.: And I wanted to remind everyone to keep sharing of themselves..

ASL: So long!

J.: Why don’t you stay? Do you know Scott Caan?

ASL: Let go of my jacket. Let go of me. I said, let go of me.

END.

By J. Harvey
asl

  1. Chloe79

    Congrats J. Harvey!!! So glad to hear you will still be recapping, but now we get more of you every day. ASL just gets better and better!

  2. What a great way to start my Monday! J. Harvey blogging as well as recapping. I’ll have to get a keyboard protector, as I’ll be expecting to spit my coffee even more than usual!

  3. janekrasinski

    Yaaaaaaay. I am in despereate need of more J. Harvey in my life! He saves me from my receptionist drudgery with every recap he posts.

  4. EraserFan

    I always pictured J.Harvey as a middle aged overweight housewife with empty nest syndrome. Now I find out he’s a pudgy gay guy who eats too much Mac and Cheese and loves chocolate milk! No wonder he has anger issues. I’m just glad he has a job!

  5. FrancesSpencer

    There was a day where you didn’t recap the Project Runway soon enough so I went out to lunch. I came back and it was sooo worth the wait! You make me laugh out loud in a Finance department that has no clue about how Tim Gunn says ‘Oh, Jesus!’ in such a gay, campy way. Congratulations, J! I’m so happy for you and for me as well. I need your writing to get me thru the day of cubicle hell.

  6. ifyousayso

    best. news. ever!

    i’ve noticed more of a j. harvey-contribution to the regular blog lately, which kind of made me sad at first b/c i find myself reading EVERYTHING you write, even the stuff i really don’t care about. if you’re writing it, i’m reading it!

    how, oh how, will this (underpaid, though that should go without saying,) suicidal office-drone ever get any work done now?

  7. Yummsh

    Congrats, J! Fameish 4-evah!

    Ain’t nothin’ wrong with having such long-ass posts, honey. If they tell you that there is, then smack a bitch. Case closed.

  8. KittyLiterati

    J. Harvey as co-editor. Loves it.

  9. anonymous

    Fucking yay! I love your Nip/Cock recaps and they definitely give me a reason to laugh at work… keep up the gay bitchiness it’s the new nice.

  10. cim

    Alright J!!! I am beyond addicted to your recaps!!! Nip Tuck / Ugly / and ANTM is not the same without you!! And its about time ASL recognizes that!! I only read this site because of you, keep it up!

    XOXOXOXO

    Deathly Bored at Word

  11. a1gore

    congrats JH! always loved your re-caps. keep up the gr8 work!

  12. missy

    thank god. j. harvey is the only reason i come to this site anymore.

  13. amandajayn

    Whoo Hoo!! I heart J Harvey :) My only complaint is that I sat through fucking Flavor of Love due to your bloggin ass!

  14. Joya

    CONGRATS!!!! But PLEASE don’t forget us RECAPADDITCS!!!!

  15. Jane_smith

    Some of us are hot housefraus locked away in suburbia with our kidlets… having your recaps to read save us from insanity. Having no one over the age of two to talk to all day makes reading your stuff orgasmically funny. I started watching shows I would have NEVER bothered to sit through cause you make them so, so funny.

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