‘RHOBH’ Recap: Taylor Armstrong Hath Come Undone

It was the unraveling of Taylor Armstrong last night on The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, and no one – not Kim Richards, not Adrienne Maloof, not the catering staff – wanted any part of her meltdown.  Due to a combination of too much wine and too few calories, Taylor was the loosest screw in Beaver Creek that day.  For a few hours, Kim appeared balanced and level-headed.  That is, until she attempted to lighten the mood at the dinner table with napkin magic tricks, reminding us just how emotionally stunted the former Disney star is.

12 Photos Of Kim Richards Giving Us A Wink

After weeping in the hot tub to Kyle Richards, Taylor hopped into Kim’s bed to commiserate on the perils of, for lack of a better term, life.  Unfortunately for Kim, this meant that nap time was cut short.  No matter, it’s time to listen to Taylor wax on about what it’s like to be Kim and how sorry she was for their constant bickering last season.  It seemed that Taylor thought she found in Kim a kindred spirit, and one she could relate to while under the influence.  Yeah.  No.  She was just having a mental breakdown, and it was freaking everyone the f*** out.

After the makeup bag shenanigans (don’t even know how to process that) Kyle did her best to feed Taylor as many carbs as the chef could prepare, but Taylor kept making a grab for the wine.  Then came dinner, where Taylor burst into tears (again) over being in Mason’s room because it reminded her of what Kelsey Grammer did to ex-wife, Camille.  Camille, on a cocktail of meds that Taylor needs to get the recipe for, feigned shock then took her seat at the head of the table.  Thankfully, the chef came out midway through Taylor’s finale and asked if she might tell the women what kind of soup they were having.  “It’s nutty and it’s sweet and it’s crunchy.”  What is?  Taylor or the entree?

Oh Mauricio.  Mauricio Umansky.  Speak Spanish to us, Mauricio.  You don’t have to finish that cigar that Dr. Nassif offered you if you don’t want to.  For you are priceless, and that cigar is not.  And Kim had better apologize for saying such things about Mauricio.

Portia Umansky running poop patrol in her little people Uggs.  I can’t.  She’s too much. And quite efficient, I might add.

To wrap things up, I’d like to say how offended I am by Lisa Vanderpump and Ken Todd’s SUR Restaurant website.  Come on, Lisa.  That is just so gauche.

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