‘RHOBH’ Recap: Everyone’s A Loser In Beverly Hills

In every episode of The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills there emerges a victor.  Someone goes off the rails and she who is left in crazy satin’s way usually wins. Not last night.  No, sir.  Last night, everyone was a jerk at one point or another.  Either that or they were useless (Camille).

First off, my television buddy noted that Kevin Lee is the Asian version of Franck from Father Of The Bride.  Ah, television buddy.  You are so close, but so far away because Franck was created in Lee’s likeness.  It is true!  Gauche invitations and dry ice and cotton candy big enough for Taylor Armstrong hitch them horse lips to.  It is all Kevin Lee!

Lisa Vanderpump can complain about the planning until she’s convinced that we’re convinced, but she’s knee deep in silk roses and loving every moment of it.  The only thing missing is the last name “Carrington” and a ranch in Denver.  Notice how Ken hasn’t said a damn word this entire time…

The editors must have gone out for their cigarette break this episode, because we certainly could have done without Taylor and Russell’s storyline.  We know they didn’t work it out, so there’s no need to sit through their therapy session and Russell’s attempt at socializing with Taylor’s “friends.”  We get it.  They had a really bag marriage.  Then…well, I won’t even say it.

For someone who put together a fashion show to debut her footwear, Adrienne Maloof did a piss-poor job of displaying the merchandise.  Divine gowns, but who could tell what was under them?  Knock-off Louboutins and YSL Tribute pumps?  Awesome.  We’ll head to Baker’s and grab a pair.  Afterwards, Maloof said she didn’t want to throw her shoes in everyone’s new-money faces, but she might have shot herself in the foot.  No pun intended.

PHOTOS: Taylor Armstrong Has LVP In A Chokehold

Argggh, the two ladies I admired the most have at last fallen from grace.  Adrienne “Mama” Maloof and Lisa “LVP” Vanderpump.  Adrienne is cross that Lisa didn’t ask for a Maloof-sponsored bachelorette party for Pandy Pump, but Lisa had already accepted a hosting invitation from her dear friend who owns Planet Hollywood (between Muhammed and Planet Hollywood, methinks that Lisa’s friends are foreign and creepy).

It was a silly thing for Adrienne to get upset over, and instead of clarifying that she had accepted her friend’s offer, Lisa made a bigger mess by involving wine and casinos.  Shhhh.  Just shhhhh and stop it.  You both have more money than God and all of his angels.  So just stop it.

Kyle is a bitch and a bully and that dress didn’t do her any favors.  But Maurcio, mmmh hmmm.

There is absolutely nothing to be done about Taylor.  She is broken.  The end.

“I have some dodgy relatives coming in for Christmas.  Want to host them?”