Real Housewives Of Orange County: Quickie

The Real Housewives of Orange County season finale opens with Jeana finally going on that birthday date. This is the first date Jeana’s been on since her divorce and it shows. Big time. We got a case of the awkwards when she loudly let Allen (an older, wrinkled “Texas gentleman”) know she’s a “spoiled” and “demanding” harpy. Allen is trying his hardest to be diplomatic and says perhaps Jeana is just “strong-willed.” Keep telling yourself that, Allen.

Vicki’s daughter Briana storms into Vicki’s happy place (her life insurance office, naturally) and drops an atomic bomb — she wants to join the Army. Vicki looks like a deer in headlights as Briana explains her dreams of living out a M*A*S*H episode by going to war-torn countries and working as a nurse on helicopters and whatnot. Vicki is not amused. Later on, Vicki quells any unhappiness about her “baby” entering the combat zone by buying herself a Rolex. She thinks it’s tacky to point out such things, but she’s proud of her watch so she figures what the hell and lets all the ladies know.

Now that Lynn’s daughter Raquel is 18, Lynn has decided it’s time for her to get some sort of job doing something. Even though Raquel has been loafing around the house for the past year and a half (!), she swears she isn’t lazy. She fills out two online applications a day! Lynn mumbles something about Raquel going to a trade school and Raquel looks at her blankly. Raquel is the master of the blank stare. The conversation ends with Raquel saying “Peace Out” and stomping up the steps. A great way for her to become motivated? Kick her out of the house!

I know this will shock you, but Gretchen’s sugar daddy boyfriend, Jeff, couldn’t make it to the end of summer Housewife soiree in Laguna. He’s back in the hospital, so Gretchen was forced to attend another social event all by her lonesome. She buys all the girls Coach coin purses. While Jeana and Lynn think this was a lovely gesture, Tamra and Vicki think it’s just a weasely ploy for her to suck up. Jeff buys her a $23, 000 Harley Davidson and of course Tamra is sour grapes on that too (she wanted a Harley and Gretchen knows it). Vicki refuses to even look at the thing because it’s just another excuse for Gretchen to hog the spotlight.

Tamra wins the catty award for this episode. Her husband pulls her aside and tells her he felt a little cheap just giving her Louis Vuitton for her birthday and presents her with a $3, 500 white gold tennis bracelet. Afterward, Tamra proceeds to poke fun at Jeana’s cleavage (jealous!), accuse some faintly George Michael looking character of being gay for wearing white flip-flops, and lastly hissing that Gretchen is nothing more than an overpaid live-in caretaker. Meow!