Real Housewives of Orange County: Quickie

January 20th, 2009 // 9 Comments

Tamra‘s son is the saddest ever as he begs drunk Gretchen for a kiss–in the bathroom. Time to go work on a used car lot and cheat on the wife with hookers. Ryan‘s enraged he couldn’t get anywhere with a semi-comatose woman. Date rapists hold themselves to high standards. Gretchen stays the night…never to be seen again. Someone call 911 now. We can’t trust Tamra’s people. Tamra is having screaming children over for a pool party the next day.

Jeana gets some screen time for once, cuddling dogs and letting us know she feels for Gretchen. The brain-injured ex-husband made Jeana’s life a living hell and she became depressed over the summer. She finally kicked Matt to the curb, or rather to an apartment for which she pays rent. More fascinating is her acreage of closet space. There’s enough room for a tenant. Jeana’s ex also mocked the former Playmate’s weight gain. Her response: “I have closets the size of cathedrals.”

Gretchen actually shows her face at Tamra’s house, so bravo for her. The kids’ pool party theme seems to be “boob job” as the ladies show off the best money could buy. Gretchen reveals that she bought life vests for her dogs in case of a tsunami. Oh, girl, stop proving everyone right.  Slithering grossness Ryan arrives. Tamra almost seems proud her son is a dirty birdie.  Gretchen and Jeana meet for lunch and Gretchen’s sick husband’s ex-wife wants her share of the inheritance. Also, FYI: Jeff has FIVE EX-WIVES. FIVE. Gretchen’s trying to beat the clock to become Mrs. Six and get that Nascar cash.

Vicki hosts a business networking function at Jeana’s home, and this show is so much better when people are intoxicated and making out with jailbait in restrooms. Insurance isn’t sexy, Vicki. Things improve when Vicki takes a header. Her son and his girlfriend are far away, laughing and not helping her at all. Vicki inspires love and loyalty.

Lynne is trying to start her own business selling admittedly ripped-off handmade cuffs and bracelets. And she’s charging $225. Are they made of rainbows? When the girls take an “unscripted” shopping trip, Vicki brings her work into the limo. Lynne offers to assist and Vicki dismisses the thought immediately. Lynne reveals her displeasure by flipping the bird.  Lynne sells her cuffs to Fred Segal. Go drink that money, honey!

The ladies make their own scents and instead of describing themselves as “cruel,” “dysfunctional,” and “insecure,” they go with “beachy,” “surfer girl,” and “warm.” Gretchen also leads exploration into high-end “neck massagers.” Jeana wants to put them in her ears–she needs to find a man and rediscover love. Wasn’t she a Playmate? At lunch, the girls (minus Lynne) advise Gretchen to get that cash. Lynne’s mouth is agape and she is either disgusted or remembering drunken escapades of days gone by. The “Jeff’s Dyin’, Who’s Got The Will?” luncheon deteriorates into insults and accusations of rudeness.


Tamra‘s son is the saddest ever as he begs drunk Gretchen for a
kiss–in the bathroom. Time to go work on a used car lot and cheat on
the wife with hookers. Ryan‘s enraged he couldn’t get anywhere
with a semi-comatose woman. Date rapists hold themselves to high
standards. Gretchen stays the night…never to be seen again. Someone
call 911 now. We can’t trust Tamra’s people. Tamra is having screaming
children over for a pool party the next day.

Jeana gets some screen time for once, cuddling dogs and letting
us know she feels for Gretchen. The brain-injured ex-husband made
Jeana’s life a living hell and she became depressed over the summer.
She finally kicked Matt to the curb, or rather to an apartment
for which she pays rent. More fascinating is her acreage of closet
space. There’s enough room for a tenant. Jeana’s ex also mocked the
former Playmate’s weight gain. Her response: “I have closets the size
of cathedrals.”

Gretchen actually shows her face at Tamra’s house, so bravo for
her. The kids’ pool party theme seems to be “boob job” as the ladies
show off the best money could buy. Gretchen reveals that she bought
life vests for her dogs in case of a tsunami. Oh, girl, stop proving
everyone right.  Slithering grossness Ryan arrives. Tamra almost seems
proud her son is a dirty birdie.  Gretchen and Jeana meet for lunch and
Gretchen’s sick husband’s ex-wife wants her share of the inheritance.
Also, FYI: Jeff has FIVE EX-WIVES. FIVE. Gretchen’s trying to beat the clock to become Mrs. Six and get that Nascar cash.

Vicki hosts a business networking function at Jeana’s home, and
this show is so much better when people are intoxicated and making out
with jailbait in restrooms. Insurance isn’t sexy, Vicki. Things improve
when Vicki takes a header. Her son and his girlfriend are far away,
laughing and not helping her at all. Vicki inspires love and loyalty.

Lynne is trying to start her own business selling admittedly
ripped-off handmade cuffs and bracelets. And she’s charging $225. Are
they made of rainbows? When the girls take an “unscripted” shopping
trip, Vicki brings her work into the limo. Lynne offers to assist and
Vicki dismisses the thought immediately. Lynne reveals her displeasure
by flipping the bird.  Lynne sells her cuffs to Fred Segal. Go drink
that money, honey!

The ladies make their own scents and instead of describing themselves
as “cruel,” “dysfunctional,” and “insecure,” they go with “beachy,”
“surfer girl,” and “warm.” Gretchen also leads exploration into
high-end “neck massagers.” Jeana wants to put them in her ears–she
needs to find a man and rediscover love. Wasn’t she a Playmate? At
lunch, the girls (minus Lynne) advise Gretchen to get that cash.
Lynne’s mouth is agape and she is either disgusted or remembering
drunken escapades of days gone by. The “Jeff’s Dyin’, Who’s Got The
Will?” luncheon deteriorates into insults and accusations of rudeness.

By Lisa Timmons
  1. Bri

    I had NO idea that Jeff passed away in September.. Gretchen did NOT become number 6… I wonder what kind of old man she will find next!

  2. Beanie

    I heard Greedy Gretchen hooked up with local car salesman even before poor Jeff was cold in the grave. I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt…until I saw that.

  3. lola

    Guess she got to keep the car & the ring/bling?
    Where did you all read that he died?
    Did she get any other inheritance?

  4. T-Bone

    I have never dressed like these women in my entire life! I might put on a nice dress if I’m off to a wedding, an event or nice dinner, but to dress like they dress daily is kind of absurd and kinda gross. Seriously…. If I had their money I’d dress a whole lot more like Jennifer Aniston than these fools. They look like trash.

  5. Sasha

    T-bone watch the show avg income 216,000 but they have million dollar houses ( same house in ohio would be half price). They push multiple 30,000 plus cars. Im not saying there playing Im just saying. They literally say such and such is so exclusive. Its a fantasy and they werent selling there extra stuff cause they wanted to like houses. WHo do you know thats buying houses and insurance. Im shallow as the next but mix it with insecurities and hypocrisy and you have the show

  6. beth

    i happen to like gretchen, i think she’s real, as for tamra that is the one they need to watch out for, she is two faced, a backstabber, and is always trying to make herself look so innocent, but she is always stabbing whoever isnt there in the mix at the moment. shes very insecure and not confident in herself at all or she wouldn’t constantly be asking if she is the “hottest” housewife. Gretchen KNOWS she is.

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