Real Housewives Of New York City: Quickie

Kelly is finally given the bitch-tastic role she was born to play in this episode. It’s fashion week in New York City and Kelly is good friends with everyone who matters, in case you’re interested. It becomes pretty clear that Kelly cares about Kelly and Kelly only. She has no time for charities and does not under any circumstance want her name publicly associated with Jill’s “cute” arthritis charity event. She’s a “private person” (as most people on reality shows are — HA!). This causes Bethenny to call her a person who comes from a place of “NO” and not a place of “YES” like the rest of them. Her eyes bludgeon Kelly silently.

Bethenny officially hates Kelly. While we certainly think Kelly is more of a kiss, kiss, run away type of a chick, we really, really wish she had some significant dirt. Alas, it’s just jealousy. Back in the day, Bethenny dated some “famous” photographer who Kelly flirted with in front of her. Snore. Oh, but Bethenny says Kelly has a reputation of being a real fame whore and as Jill points out, doesn’t wear a bra sometimes. Both ladies agree they don’t want the men in their lives ogling her “wandering breasts.” It’s just not civilized. They’re old-fashioned (snort).

Speaking of tits, we learn in this episode that Jill has size 32 G breasts. Ack! No way! How?! Fashion week is all dresses and champagne flutes for Jill, who must stock up on gowns for all the events. She’s best girlfriends with some kilt-wearing designer, Zang Toi, who convinces her she’s shimmied into a size “runway zero” dress. She plops down a boatload of money and buys a bunch of his stuff in response. She’s also putting together some arthritis charity event due to her daughter, Ali who suffers from arthritis. All the ladies are ironing out the kinks in the $250 a pop stand-up cocktail event.

LuAnn and Kelly seem to get along really well. This makes sense. Both love to talk about their phantom model careers of yesteryear and both think they’re too refined for everybody. Kelly invites her to sit in the front row at the Malo show, and since they’ll be photographed they go shopping for Malo clothing. While playing dress up in the flagship store Kelly complains she hates trying on clothes since she did so much of it as a model. Oh, give us a break! LuAnn fills Kelly in on how Ramona is sort of a difficult wench. Kelly seems genuinly surprised.

Speaking of Ramona she finally has the Simon verbal smackdown she’s been dreaming about for months. At the Russell Simmons show (ed. note. Russell Simmons finds his way into every NYC Housewives episode. What’s going on here?) she treats him like he’s diseased leper and recoils in disgust when he tries to give her a kiss on the cheek. She tells Simon he’s “too feminine” “shallow” and “has no depth.” While a normal person would walk away, Simon tries to reason with her and bellows about her “man issues” from the front row of a Bryant Park fashion show! Yikes.

Alex and Simon (are you sitting down?) go shopping! They skip to Christopher Dean in Williamsburg, where Simon crosses his legs and watches Alex try on a series of cocktail dresses. They decide on a flouncy black frock. Simon tells the camera that a lady can never have too many little black dresses — it’s a New York City “fashion staple,” he declares. To further muddle things for the casual observer, he tells the sales clerks if Alex gets pregnant it won’t be his —  he got a surgical operation preventing such things. The clerks giggle nervously and Alex mouths a “wow.” They’re quickly becoming our favorites.