Project Runway: Too Many Queens, Not Enough Sportswear
Previously – Brooklyn Bangs got bounced for her ugly ruffle.
Morning! New York Shitty! Designers rouse themselves from nightmares of Christian Siriano mocking them and telling them that they’re not “ferosha coutura enough.”
Keith has tattoos all over and he bends over a sink. The sad part is that brief glimpse of masculinity is the highlight of this episode. Which is steeped in some sort of malaise. We get the customary “oh it’s so sad that someone went home.” Yeah, right. Can we switch it up? For once I’d like someone to wake up, roll over, and we see that they’ve picked someone up from a bar and now have to get rid of them.
The designer’s like “well, it was fun. I’ll text you.” And the pick-up is like “I thought we were going to have coffee together.” And the designer’s like “well, I’m on this show. Hence the dude with the camera.” And the pick-up’s like “so it’s like that? I’m just some slut? I’m just a wrapper to be thrown away after you’ve eaten the Yodel?” And the designer’s like “can we do this later?” And the pick-up’s like “no! no! we can’t ‘do this later’ (mocking)! I want to do this now!” And by this time the rest of the apartment’s awake and looking in as the pick-up starts throwing things and handcuffing himself to the furniture.
Can we inject a human element into this mix? It’s getting stale.
More ProjRun, after the jump!
Previously – Brooklyn Bangs got bounced for her ugly ruffle. Morning! New York Shitty! Designers rouse themselves from nightmares of Christian Siriano mocking them and telling them that they’re not “ferosha coutura enough.” Keith has tattoos all over and he bends over a sink. The sad part is that brief glimpse of masculinity is the highlight of this episode. Which is steeped in some sort of malaise. We get the customary “oh it’s so sad that someone went home.” Yeah, right. Can we switch it up? For once I’d like someone to wake up, roll over, and we see that they’ve picked someone up from a bar and now have to get rid of them. The designer’s like “well, it was fun. I’ll text you.” And the pick-up is like “I thought we were going to have coffee together.” And the designer’s like “well, I’m on this show. Hence the dude with the camera.” And the pick-up’s like “so it’s like that? I’m just some slut? I’m just a wrapper to be thrown away after you’ve eaten the Yodel?” And the designer’s like “can we do this later?” And the pick-up’s like “no! no! we can’t ‘do this later’ (mocking)! I want to do this now!” And by this time the rest of the apartment’s awake and looking in as the pick-up starts throwing things and handcuffing himself to the furniture.Can we inject a human element into this mix? It’s getting stale.Let’s see Daniel shooing Wesley out of the apartment before everyone else wakes up! Heidi’s here, with some slicked back hair and ruffles, perhaps in mockery of Emily’s losing creation. Model pick. Blayne is wearing a hoodie and his orange turtle face is poking out of it like it’s his shell. He’s going to win the race because he’s slow and steady. Field trip. All the designers like shift in their seats, and give aggravated looks. Lazy fatsoes! Jerrel hopes it has nothing to do with “female wrestlers.” You should be so lucky. If it is, I hope one clotheslines your sassy-black-neighbor-wannabe-ass, chile! There’s no place like home! With your family around you, you’re never alone! Pearl, what do you see from your window? Nuthin’, Marrrrry.Tim walks the designers into anonymous-looking vans which look government-issued. Area 51 challenge! I hear Suede talk about himself in the third person for the first time and I literally want to rip his balls off with a claw hammer. I am so over him. I am so over his ass. My chest tightens up whenever he does it. He’s embarrassing himself, and causing me psychic pain.Kelli opines that she doesn’t want to design hospital uniforms, but she could design a good straightjacket. These bitches are so entitled. It’s an honor to get on this show, act like it! This is your 15 minutes! LAP IT UP!Tim and Blayne discuss his tanning. He goes every other day and he’s starting to lose his leathery luster. Tim looks at him like the Slim Jim that Blayne is. Like he might be getting grease on the seats.Keith, although hot, has rolled up his jeans so he can feed dogs out of them. They designers enter an Olympic training area. Apollo Ohno (cool name) rolls up (literally) to introduce this challenge. Oooh, speed skating bodysuits? Will there be men in em’? J. Harvey’s fetish for dudes in spandex has reared its ugly head.Apollo says that they need to create a design for the opening ceremonies of the Olympic Games. Daniel, who still has Wesley’s mussy on his mind, confesses that he knows nothing about the Olympics. He guesses that there’s running and a flame. 1/2 of that he’s an expert on. They’ll be designing Olympic womenswear. Stella is dressed like Sid Vicious’ junkie mother. She looks like a punk rock vampire who didn’t get the eternal youth portion of the deal. Korto is perfectly pear-shaped, and she’s totally sending me. “Heck yeah, I’m going for the gold!,” Blayne says. Can we shoot Blayne, Jerrel, and Suede into space? Stella’s already complaining. The designers check out the Olympics history. Straight Joe gets the challenge, because he likes women and sports. Don’t doubt it. Stella says that “I work in LEATHA and gromets and whatever…” F*ckin’ A, woman, just do the challenge! Though Tim does show her an athlete in fur trim. Captain Caveman’s team? Jerrel was inspired by hats and blazers. Which is what every Olympian team wears to the friggin’ Opening Ceremonies. Daniel is into “high-end glamour” so he’s having an issue. Who says that? Don’t WE determine if it’s glamorous? You need to dismount from Wesley’s peen and plug into the reality outlet, honey. He finds it “confusing.” Just make a damn sweatsuit!Mood! Korto strolls her badonka-donk around like the regal queen that she is. She says that she’s using linen and leather and that people are giving her looks and they need to worry about their plaid. I’ll say. Tim Gunn questions Stella by Starlight about using black. Stella is looking TORE UP this episode. Dude, someone slap her cheeks to get some color in her before she starts tearing at jugulars for sustenance.Black with red, white and blue trim, says Stella! That should look…..homemade.Keith steals Terri’s fabric. We get a “oh no you dinnit.” Finally, some shade. But it goes nowhere. She should have him him with a roll of felt and run away with her ugly pink fabric!Tim tells them to pull ALL the stops out for this one. Stella shows her patriotic side and says it’s no joke. Stella took modern dance for four years, and Joe played football. He wasn’t so butch that he doesn’t know what skorts are. Daniel isn’t into the sports, and he went to boarding school. He finds that uniforms make people look generic and not like Bette Davis laying back on a chaise and toking off a cigarette holder. Blayne says he’s getting paler and paler and weaker and weaker. Jerell is concered for Blayne’s tanorexia. Is he being facetious? Terri is creating a bunch of pieces. Fashion Assassin feels that Terri is using a sweatshop. THAT would be a hot episode. Everyone questions Stella’s black. Stella says that bikers enjoy the Olympics too. Everytime Stella interviews in that spiked vest, I shiver and think about how my head tends to go loose when I’m having a drank and how I would probably impale myself if I wore that out to the bar.Keith was a gymnast! I can see it. Wear that blue tank top and the white snuggy pants! Kenley and Daniel are the giggling girls of this season, and they’re irritating the world. Everyone hates Kenley’s laugh. Stab her with some scissors. That’ll learn her. We find out that Korto’s family had to flee a civil war. And she’s married. Well, fleeing the civil war’s the serious part. Damn. And Blayne’s complaining about his f*cking tan? Straight Joe explains his skort to Tim. Joe’s zippers have “wit,” according to Tim. Witty zippers! Blayne’s a f*cking bimbo. He doesn’t know what Sgt. Pepper’s is. The bronzer has leaked into his front lobe and rendered him completely vacant. He thought the Beatles were from the 30s! Shouldn’t there be a class? “I saw Across the Universe…,” he says. Ugh, I just want to pull that hoodie over his turtle face and kick him off a roof.Daniel is making this crazy parachute pants concoction. Jerell isn’t leaving room for muscley Olympic bitches. He also has a Lucille Ball-vibe going on, according to Tim. Jennifer Teeth is still designing clothes for old ladies. Kenny sabotages Daniel by telling him to ditch the bolero. Straight Joe rolls up on Daniel and tells him that he re-threaded his machine with red thread. Daniel protests. Straight Joe says its his machine, and tells him to pay attention. Daniel’s like I’m wearing a wrench pendant during my interviews and I don’t need this. Daniel tells us that Straight Joe is taking it to a “passive-agressive, vindictive place.” Thank you, Dr. Joyce Brothers. Suede uses the word “whack-a-doodle” to describe the goings-on. Hi, is Suede there? This is Suede. Hi Suede, you’re a dildo. Straight Joe attributes the drama to the homosexuals. Korto says they’re in high school and she wants to get to college. Jerell says he’s realized that everyone has to go home. Well, yeah. Stella looks like radiant treasure in the morning as she waits for her coffee to talk to her and tell that she needs to rock-n-roll. Kenley is worried for Daniel. Wait, didn’t you tell him what to do? She has immunity and she’s schemed to send her giggle partner home? Who will she befriend and betray next?We get pantied models shoved into sportswear. Jarell’s look is “the Titanic” according to Blayne. SInce Blayne has no concept of eras prior to 1992, I don’t buy it. How can you know Celine Dion and not the Beatles, Blayne? You pinhead. Stella sends her model to “her girl over there” to get her hair done the way she likes it. I love Stella, I’m sorry.Korto says she lives in ’08 and everyone else is stuck in the past. LAUREN BENNETT IS HERE! I love you, Laura! And she’s actually designing a Wonder Woman outfit for her car. And acknowledging her children. No serious, she made a Wonder Woman outfit for a soccer mom. They actually ran this spot? She looks demented. But at the kids have finally been touched by their mother. I love Heidi’s beads. I actually love the Fashion Assassin’s look with the big dog operation collar. Jerrell’s looks RIDICULOUS. She doesn’t look like an Olympian, she looks like Dita Von Teese’s understudy. Get in that champagne glass, girl! Terri’s models boobs are SHOVED in her corset. Jennifer Teeth’s looks nothing like an American athlete. Blayne’s model looks like the chick from the Thunderbirds. You know, those puppets who drive spaceships from England?Terri gets good grades. How come her portfolio doesn’t reflect this? Jennifer Teeth is going home. Straight Joe’s heterosexuality allowed him to include some sporty details. Thank god for liking boobies. Daniel gets raked over the coals and accused of not know what the color blue looks like. Heidi asks him to compare and contrast with his own clothing.Daniel is ready to cry, and his model is told she looks like she’s from “the republic of cocktail land.” HAH! Jerell’s model looks like she recognizes she looks like a dumbass. Nina is puzzled and her Jerell “had a little lamb” crack almost causes Kors to go into his wrestling challenge laugh coma. Jerell looks like he’s ready to stop, drop and roll out of there.Judges confer. Jennifer can’t get past herself. Or those teeth. Daniel’s model looks like Jane Wiedlin. The judges think Daniel should have made Laura’s Wonder Soccer Mom outfit instead of a drinking costume. I’m so wearing that to my next pub crawl. Korto won. Terri was robbed. Seriously, she crafted a hot look despite the boob pain it must have caused. Why is Jerell dressed like a girl scout from 1918 or a yak herder from the Balkans? It’s down to Daniel and Jennifer Teeth. She’s gone. Daniel and that socket wrench he has on his chest are safe. Jennifer takes her plain backstage and tears up a little. Jerell and Daniel cry for her. Or for themselves. They are queens, after all. Right, Joe?Next – Professional women? Hookers? BROOKE SHIELDS? Why did they spoil it? Daniel has taste, damnit! Kenley doesn’t think so. Because she’s laughing like an asshole again.