Project Runway: Slutty, Slutty, Slutty

August 15th, 2008 // 3 Comments

Previously – Suede sucked. Jennifer didn’t ramp it up. Korto won.

New York, New York! Korto prepares her herself to enjoy immunity. Keith and Daniel work out. Someone read my constant comments about Keith’s bod, and is gifting me now. Blayne forgot the door, as well as his mind and the benefit of not saying everything that comes into his damn fool head.

Heidi’s here, wearing a dress that a past loser must have crafted. Because it’s big with the ugh. The designers have to create an outfit for a high-powered professional woman. Who is going to be Brooke Shields, and it’s going to end up being for that terrible Sex & the City rip-off that she’s on. Low-rent. Bravo is so over this show.

More ProjRun, after the jump!


Previously – Suede sucked. Jennifer didn’t ramp it up. Korto won. New York, New York! Korto prepares her herself to enjoy immunity. Keith and Daniel work out. Someone read my constant comments about Keith’s bod, and is gifting me now. Blayne forgot the door, as well as his mind and the benefit of not saying everything that comes into his damn fool head. Heidi’s here, wearing a dress that a past loser must have crafted. Because it’s big with the ugh. The designers have to create an outfit for a high-powered professional woman. Who is going to be Brooke Shields, and it’s going to end up being for that terrible Sex & the City rip-off that she’s on. Low-rent. Bravo is so over this show.Blayne doesn’t want it to be for Hillary Clinton because then he reasons he can’t make a “neon pantsuit.” Why would you EVER make a neon pantsuit? Secondly, the only thing more painful than losing the Democratic nomination for president would have to be guest-starring on this show’s first crappy season.Heidi has a weird goodbye wave, like she’s plucking flies out of the air. The designers try to guess who they’re going to be creating for. Stella tells us flat-out that she would like to design for Sharon Osbourne, “queen of rock”. She sounds really defensive about it, like we’re going to yell at her that Sharon isn’t a real business-woman. It’s ok, Stell, you design for whomever you want to design for. Brooke Shields is so pretty. And I like how she told Tom Cruise to fuck off! If she wants to take drugs for post-partum depression, she will take drugs for post-partum depression, you tiny religious zealot closetcase! Anyway, I was right. They have to design an outfit for Brooke’s crappy show. She tells us the character’s name like it’s totally household? Who? I can’t even tell you what Jack and Kate’s last names are on Lost and I’ve been watching that show religiously since the flashforward awesomeness. Kenley (who is built like a brick shithouse in her tank top) tells us that the teams of two they have to work in isn’t going to work for her because some of the designers don’t know what they’re doing. Brooke is really into this deal. She’s checking her watch, and bouncing with anticipation. Did Keith just say his design is going to make her “nice and lady?” That’s odd. Kelli’s doing an animal print. She’s already wearing one. Matthew is a little up on himself. He lets us know his background and I don’t recall asking.  The designers audition their sketches for Brooke. She tells Kenley that her boobs (which she refers to as “the friends I carry with me”) are usually around her mid-section. So does she knee them around? What an odd yet touching personification for her breasts. All I know is that Brooke Shields is really, really pretty. She’s one of the ladies who has gotten prettier as she;s gotten older.Some of the sketches are far out. Blayne offers something that looks like Brooke would be dressed in a Smurf pelt complete with Bermuda shorts. I want Brooke to say yes to that one because I want to see how ridiculous it will look when brought to life. Daniel like sketched and got all elaborate with his. He tries too hard.  Stella offers a pole-dancing outfit and Brooke has to explain to her ass that her character doesn’t work at the Cabaret on Rt. 1. Straight Joe refers to his own design as “wow.” He’s on my nerves, lately. Jerell does this whole kind of chair dance for Brooke and she’s kind enough to act impressed at his beautiful performance. Brooke announces that she will wear the winning look on her show. Great, now I have to tune in? FUCK! Terri (who I was wrong to describe as a crackhead earlier on, because she’s actually one of the more level-headed, intelligent, unassuming people in this piece (she just has crack hair)) explains that Brooke’s announcement just raised the bar.  Brooke PICKS BLAYNE! HAH! I can’t wait. Fashion Bear! I LOVE YOU! And he’s made the only “based on a car design” that I’ve enjoyed so far. But doesn’t the red hankie mean he’s into cutting? Remember Laura Bennett’s friggin’ Wonder Woman outfit from last week. Ridiculous. Teams are picked! Keith picks Kenley and says that he hopes he can get her to shut her mouth and sew because she’s “headstrong.” Isn’t that normally what the husband in the stained tank top says before punching his wife in the mouth? Will she also be barefoot and quick with child when this is going on? Creepy. These teams usually lead to some awesome catfighting. Cry and cut, bitch! Daniel pouts because he has to work on an animal print. Jean Harlow never wore leopard skin while drinking bubbly out of her slipper! Stella by Starlight is picked last. But Jerell acts like he wanted her the whole time.  So he’s sorta been replaced on my stab list with Joe. And maybe Keith. But I’m starting to understand why Keith said that weird thing about Kenley. She is kind of pushy.Kelli actually seems to want Daniel’s opinion. Which smells like egg salad. Tim comes in to tell them that there is no immunity in this challenge. Kenley is already pissing and moaning to Daniel that she hates Keith’s design. Kelli was raised by some handicapped family member, and it’s very that Jane Fonda movie where the kid gets hit by the train. Suede goes third person again. I can’t, and I won’t. It turns out they didn’t buy enough fabric for their top. Suede is pushing Terri’s buttons. Terri then says the best thing about Suede that I have ever heard: “I don’t know what he’s packing – balls or vajayjay. But he needs to work that out, cause I ain’t got no babies, ain’t nobody suckin’ on my titties, so please – man up.”Holy shit. She’s a gift. A gift wrapped in cash and topped with emeralds! Kenley tells Keith that his top looks cheesy and he refrains from telling her to shut up and fix his dinner. Stella always has to hammer clothing. It would drive me crazy. I’d hide her mallet. The models are here for an early fitting. Korto designed another Arabian Knights type-concoction. You need to wear it to the office, not to the bazaar. Kelli realizes that Daniel can’t sew, and tells him to make a new skirt. Terri tells Suede that the whole back of their outfit is “jacked up.” I LOVE her. Cause Suede as much pain as possible. Use a cattle prod on him if possible. Terri even tells the other designers that Suede’s work is “horrible.” I think I’m hard right now.Tim comes in for the old guy inspection. Jerell and Stella work well together despite creating what looks like TJ Maxx’s women’s section exploding. Terri and Suede fixed the shirt and get to make out with Tim. Tim takes Kenley down a notch or two when he tells her that her first choice of floral fabric is ugly like Nicole Richie’s personality. When Korto gets criticized, she looks like she will have no qualms about running you over with her Honda Accord. Joe voices his concern with Korto’s “sweet potato” jacket and it’s a little late. Korto makes an amusing analogy involving Joe and vehicular manslaughter . Korto tells Joe he will be dead to her. The sistahs in these season do not eff around. And I’m not talking about you, Jerell. You are not a sistah, no matter how much you wish for it. Morning. Kenley and Daniel’s giggle girls friendship is over as she cuts his ass up in an interview. Everyone is loving their own outfits. Jerell hates Terri’s and says it’s “off the rip.” Great now black people are going to hate me for appropriating more hot slang because I like that one. Blayne tied his mop back. Korto and Joe are still not getting along, and the Silent Fashion Assassin is concerned. Worry about your damn self, Blayne made shorts! Tim wants the designers to borrow “appropriately” from the Bluefly accessories wall. Does this mean some dumb bitch sent her model down the runway wearing everything on there last time? This tiara will look wonderful ON TOP of that cowboy hat! Is Heidi sewing her own clothes? They look “off the rip.” Thanks, Ferell. Is Joe trying to eye fuck Nina Garcia? I could listen to Heidi’s say “charaktah” all day. Why is Brooke, while extremely pretty,  considered a fashion icon? Because she did a jailbaity ad when she was a young girl?Korto and Joe sorta saved the “sweet potato” but the dress underneath is looking like she pulled her pantyhose up to her boobs and they don’t like it. Kelli and Daniel’s dress like whorish. Brooke breaks with convention and basically lets Jerell know his dress worked for her. *sigh* So pretty. Meana’s ready to slap her teeth down her throat as my dear papa used to say. Blayne’s shorts aren’t exactly work-friendly. Oh, and Brooke lied! She didn’t like the belt on Jerell’s but everyone else did. So, Kelli and Daniel are told their outfit is “slutty, slutty, slutty” by Kors. That’s really slutty. Daniel looks like Bambi after his mother gets knocked off. Daniel starts talking about his taste, and Kenley starts cracking up. Ooooh, here we go! Heidi asks her what’s going on and she won’t admit that she’s laughing about Daniel’s lack of “impeccable” taste. Kors thinks she’s hysterical.Blayne’s short shorts get torn up. Blayne starts talking about how he envisions Brooke’s character down the road. That show is not going to be on for that long! Fer chrissakes, it stars the Asian girl from 90210: The Boring Years! Nina blames Silent Fashion Assassin Leanne for this mess. Leanne seems to be wearing some sort of like portable iron lung around her neck. Blayne protests that they know he’s crazy. If everyone used that as an excuse there’s be a lot of dead people lying around and goat f*cking in the streets. Did Kors marry a dude? I see a ring. Why wasn’t I invited? Nina coins the term “The Blayne Show.” I love it. Brooke thinks he’s bratty. I think he’s an imbecile. Brooke completely screwed Jerell over. Keith and Kenley wins. Why is Jerell wearing a sari and huge safety pins? That’s not fashion. I love how Heidi tells the losers that “we have problems with the rest of you.” HAH! It sounds like she’s going to call out the dogs on them. Daniel is safe? That dude sucks! Down to Kelli and Blayne. Kelli’s going bye-bye back to wheelchair gramma! Stella by Starlight, Kenley, and Jerell all sob! Why isn’t Kenley laughing anymore? She’s so bipolar? By the way? Brooke Shields? Pretty.Next – Drag Queens! Fashion Bear! Bar Mitzvahs! And more Stella than you can shake a (leatha) stick at!

By J. Harvey
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  1. Demmi

    The “friends” Brooke carries around on her hips are her 2 little girls. Any Mama would respond to that.
    The boat neck corresponds to the shoulder and upper arm workout she gets while she sits them on her hips.

    She wasn’t talking about her boobs.

  2. mslewis

    I don’t think Brooke is pretty these days at all!! Vanessa Williams is a beautiful 44 year old; Brooke Shields is not. JMO!!!

    Anywho, I LOVE Terri!!! I think she’s one of, if not the best, designer this season. (But, this is the worse season ever so I don’t know if that means anything.)

    Another thing . . . I’m SHOCKED that there are THREE Black designers left!!! That’s a first in Bravo history, if memory serves!!

  3. Cristina

    Run her over with her Honda Accord had me cracking up for a good five minutes. I don’t know why but I am still giggling about it.

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