Project Runway: Rib-Eating Outfit
Previously – I was on vacation, so there was no recap. But I did watch the show and I can honestly say that the next time Kenley laughs at someone else on the runway, I’m heading over to Parsons with a nail gun. I’m not normally a violent person but even I have my limits.
Korto and the girls talk about they’re not shocked that Straight Joe was sent back to his extremely masculine home, with the moose head on the wall, and the kegerator and the homerun derby diamond out back. There’s a stripper pole, too.
Korto says she’s at the ready for Bryant Park. She can smell it. That’s just Fern Mallis after a buffalo chicken sandwich. Suede is wearing some sort of ugly ancient Incan baseball cap. I wish someone would tie his ass to the top of a ziggurat and take that heart out.
Suede feels that he needs to step up his game. Don’t bother. Send some more bad patterns down that catwalk and then hop on a bus. Heidi’s got a hot skirt on. She finally revamped her look and it’s working. Has anyone else felt like she was phoning it in lately, and just throwing anything “slutty, slutty, slutty” on? Me, too.
More ProjRun, after the jump!
Previously – I was on vacation, so there was no recap. But I did watch the show and I can honestly say that the next time Kenley laughs at someone else on the runway, I’m heading over to Parsons with a nail gun. I’m not normally a violent person but even I have my limits.Korto and the girls talk about they’re not shocked that Straight Joe was sent back to his extremely masculine home, with the moose head on the wall, and the kegerator and the homerun derby diamond out back. There’s a stripper pole, too. Korto says she’s at the ready for Bryant Park. She can smell it. That’s just Fern Mallis after a buffalo chicken sandwich. Suede is wearing some sort of ugly ancient Incan baseball cap. I wish someone would tie his ass to the top of a ziggurat and take that heart out. Suede feels that he needs to step up his game. Don’t bother. Send some more bad patterns down that catwalk and then hop on a bus. Heidi’s got a hot skirt on. She finally revamped her look and it’s working. Has anyone else felt like she was phoning it in lately, and just throwing anything “slutty, slutty, slutty” on? Me, too.Eight models, five designers. Kenley surrendered her model and took Joe’s. Leeanne dumps hers. These female designers know no kind of loyalty. Suede thinks that Leeanimal is childish for ditching her model. Korto calls her a heartbreaker. No one said anything to Kenley because they know she would keep squawking about it for three hours because that sad-ass Social Distortion groupie with the practically erased Swingers DVD doesn’t know when to shut her piehole. And it’s a Table Talk piehole because that’s so 50s.Kenley starts laughing at Suede’s third person. I’ll allow her that. I would, too. Leannimal loved her model, but felt that Suede’s was an asset. You also worked for a model sanity charity because you know he was a clitoris to work with.The remaining five will be designing for each other this challenge. Korto isn’t happy. She wants to be designing for models and BE DONE WITH IT. If Korto wasn’t so talented, I’d find her to be very Jessica Alba stank but she is so I can let it pass. Plus, I think she could beat me up so that always factors in.Suede is using third person. I just shoved SOS pads into my ears and I’m about to stop doing these recaps. Suede wants to get his model back from Leeanimal. I can’t wait to see what Korto makes Suede. Hopefully a t-shirt that says “shut the f*ck up, Suede and tell Suede that to!” The designers have to design for each other based on a musical genre. They should have some sort of write-in contest for new ideas because now they’re just combining old ones. Korto’s distress at having to model makes me love her. She looks like she’s about to collapse on the worktable in disgust.Korto is unhappy that she has to dress Suede in a punk rock outfit. Kenley has to wear a “pop” outfit. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE dress her unkindly ass like Brooke Hogan in those jean leg warmers. Those are so foul and I want to see her Dita Von Teese bullshit pose shattered forever. Korto has to wear a country outfit, and Leeanimal has to wear hip-hop! Drop that booty, Leeanimal! Tim Gunn needs to let it rain in the club for her.Korto tells Suede to let her know if he has a problem with what she makes otherwise she will snap on him. Does “snap on” involved pushing him down a flight of stairs? I love Leeanimal telling Kenley that she’ll do “all gangsta.” HAH! This is so that show Made on MTV! I’m an avant-garde designer who is influenced by 1950s Soviet architecture, but I want to be a female rapper. Leeanimal raps for us. Kenley is making her mom jeans. Jerell requests a cape and promises Suede he won’t sell him out to the judges. Jerell is going to make Kenley into Britney Spears and not “1954.” I need to see this shit even if he didn’t cite Brooke Hogan as his inspiration. I want to see Kenley with a grille and making out with Paul Wall.Korto has no fear of Kenley. Kenley tries to get Leeanimal to try on shoes and Korto tells her to step and to show her her “hip hop world.” Kenley is buying fabric that is floral and in no way M.I.A. Yeah, I’d have Leeanimal rocking a captain’s hat and stretch pants and a dookie chain. That’s what’s hot. Korto renames herself as “Shania Jank” and I think I want her to win this whole thing. Mainly because she’s low-key yet grouchy and she made that friggin’ awesome coat out of the seatbelts.Korto and Jerell crack up at Kenley’s floral hip-hop blouse. They’re letting her hang herself. Korto is sick of Jerell bragging about his own ass. Kenley is scared about being sexed up by Jerell. I would be too, he’s gay. He normally sexes up dudes. Suede lets us know that Suede is a classically trained cellist. Stick with that.Kenley says “word” to Suede. She’s getting into “hip-hop.” *rolls eyes. Suede used to work for Jordache. That’s ooh la la. Korto gets country! She’s so awesome. Jerell makes Kenley look fully retarded. I’m so happy. She looks like a glittery Monchichi. Tim’s here to undermine people. Ohmygod, Leeanimal’s country look for Korto involves purple and gingham check. Suede is so out of here. I can feel it. He can feel it. America can feel it. Tim asks Kenley to explain hip-hop. Kenley gets fug around the cerebral cortex and become alternately whiny and disrespectful to Tim. Tim tries to talk Kenley’s head out of her ass, and asks her to listen and stop being sarcastic. Korto feels, like I do, if you agree with Tim or not – you still give him a listen. And it’s usually to a bitch’s benefit. Kenley is rendered speechless. She tells us that she can’t listen to Tim, and what does he know about hip-hop anyway? Probably more than you, Dita Von Bitch!Kenley disagrees with Tim’s finding her sarcastic and says she doesn’t understand him. Leeanimal says that she’s not going to back Kenley on the runway to the judges because Kenley sucks at life. Jerell and Korto are totally laughing at her ass as she insists that she knows what hip-hop looks like. Korto is so excited for tomorrow for Kenley to fall on that damn feather she always wears in her Elvira do.Korto is bleaching things, and Leeanimal feels she’s trying to sabotage people by trying to kill them with bleach fumes. They might make you paranoid apparently. Jerell considers sabotaging Suede. Which means he bold-faced lied to Suede when he said that he would back him up. People who lie that easily have a real gift. Kenley says that she’s not changing one iota of her outfit. Good for you. Jerell LOVES scoop neck t-shirts. My moobs would be slapping all over the place.Jerell feels that Leeanimal might have issues taming Korto’s ass into country. Leeanimal has bunch in her crotch. That’s a tough problem. I think there’s a charity for that. Korto is cracking up at the outfit Kenley has created. Suede is complaining about his multi-colored hair. Uh, your hair is already blue, douche! Jerell is overheated as everyone has to touch each other to get ready. Go for a wank or something.Jerell talks about Kenley kicking her panties off in his outfit, which means she should change immediately. LL Cool J’s here! God, he brings the sexy. I know he’s getting old but he’s got such a hot smile and big arms and I bet he’s got the bandonka donk going on.Korto is my new favorite model. She’s like a tank. She makes “annoyed” look sexy. LL wants some of that. Can we just look at Ladies Love Cool James’ upper body some more? F*ck the rest of this mess. Kenley makes me want to buy a sniper rifle and use it when she comes twiddling down the catwalk. Kenley is mad that Leeanimal is not selling her look. In fact, she’s mocking it by striking poses which make LL smirk. I actually sorta think she kinda got “urban” but I don’t see “hip-hop.” Korto is happy with Suede’s performance. Jerell is packing some heat in his drawers. He’s not my type, but if anyone else is into that – rewind and freeze frame.LL has a clothing line coming out. Kenley feels embarrassed when she finds out Ladies Love Cool James is up in here. LL totally talks up Korto. Get it, girl! Jerell realizes he’s looking huge in downscope in the pants so he covers up for the families in the audience. And then, taking his cue from Kors’ disgusted look, kinda damns with faint praise.Does Kors have a headcold? He sounds phlegmy. Heidi feels that Jerell looks like Jerell. Gone! LL Cool J is talking about Kenley’s body. Stick with the sista, L. She’s got more class and way more sauce and she’s probably not a bitch when she’s drunk. Kenley strikes me as the kind of girl who has one espresso martini and she’s telling you that you’re too fat for your top. Heidi and LL bag on Kenley’s jeans with the bunch in the crotch. Heidi thinks they’re totally unflattering. LL says it isn’t hip-hop and Kenley FREAKS. LL tries to assuage her so he can get some of that white girl ass later on, but she’s gone into full on demented excuses mode. Leeanimal is LOVING it. I hope she starts laughing out loud so Kenley knows how it feels.Kenley and Nina exchange looks. You don’t want to travel down to that South American country, Kenley. Nina will go up one side of you, down the other, and leave her business card in the remains. Leeanimal gets “eh” grades for Korto’s country.Judges judge. All I want to hear is that Kenley’s a twat. No one really says it, and it was a golden opportunity and I’m blaming Kors’ headcold. Though Kors does describe Korto in her country outfit as looking like she’s going out to eat ribs. HAHAHAHAH! That’s funny. I want an outfit that suggests that to people. There’s J. in his “rib-eating” outfit! Korto won! YAY! Those distressed jeans were rad. Jerell’s snitty over it. Leeanimal’s in. We’re down to Kenley and Suede. It’s going to be Suede. Which is a good thing, even though Kenley has overtaken Suede on my shoot list. Yep. Someone tell Suede that Suede’s out and Suede needs to get on an airport shuttle. He fits in some more third person just to push me over the edge in which I just threw my Milano cookies at the TV. Suede tells Tim he’ll be in touch. Oh yes. I’m sure Tim will be taking that call. And he ends with some weird bullshit entreaty to Madonna to allow him to dress her. He’s so conniving, but it’s like an insane person trying to be conniving so it’s just going to result in more Thorazine.Next – Designing with heads of lettuce. Kenley lost her bag. EVERYONE breaks down on the runway. Kenley yells at Heidi. BE GONE WITH YOU!