Project Runway: Remnants Of Nonsense

July 24th, 2008 // 10 Comments

Previously – This show bored me. Oh, the Gaysian was sent packing for designing an outfit that would make me run screaming if I saw someone standing in the shadows of my kitchen and wearing it in my home.

Are there no opening credits in which people proclaim their victory even after they were voted off last week? I need those. The ever dramatic Suede tells us that Suede feels like reality set in when his roommate, Rainwear Jerry, got nixed. People are starting to say the same things and I’m getting really bored. I would rather hear about how Jerry masturbated in his sleep and Suede had to put headphones on to block the smacking.

And he’s STILL talking about himself in the third person. Stella is making some crazy potion for Crackhead Terri. Terri says “Oh my goooodddd, I’m still here.” She is totally depressed and I love it. Keep that seratonin level at a wonky level, Stella by Starlight, and I will hold you to my bosom for always and ever.

More Runway, after the jump!

projectrunway-header.jpgPreviously – This show bored me. Oh, the Gaysian was sent packing for
designing an outfit that would make me run screaming if I saw someone
standing in the shadows of my kitchen and wearing it in my home.

Are
there no opening credits in which people proclaim their victory even
after they were voted off last week? I need those. The ever dramatic
Suede tells us that Suede feels like reality set in when his roommate,
Rainwear Jerry, got nixed. People are starting to say the same things
and I’m getting really bored. I would rather hear about how Jerry
masturbated in his sleep and Suede had to put headphones on to block
the smacking.And he’s STILL talking about himself in the third
person. Stella is making some crazy potion for Crackhead Terri. Terri
says “Oh my goooodddd, I’m still here.” She is totally depressed and I
love it. Keep that seratonin level at a wonky level, Stella by
Starlight, and I will hold you to my bosom for always and ever.Kelli’s innovative and creative and she definitely expected to win that challenge. She’s the kind of person who’s the result of small children having kindergarden graduation ceremonies. A friend of mine thinks that leads to assholes, and he’s probably right. Too much self-confidence can not only be dangerous, it can be annoying. Oh, no…”licious” is still happening with bronzed turtle Blayne. Models stroll out looking like one of them will be dragged off to be Bluebeard’s next bride. Heidi has some sort of sparkly tree branch over her titty. Jarrell, who has played every saucy neighbor on every sitcom on the late lamented UPN, says that he’s “salty” over Jennifer and her big teeth stealing away with his model. Everyone’s trying to line up a Bravo hosting gig after this and it’s not right. Just play the game and shut the f*ck up.It’s such a hardship for the model who gets picked last. It means you’re pretty but not pretty enough. She’ll cut the brakes on your 10-speed later. The designers are going to make cocktail dresses for their models. Blayne is happy. He exhibits this by pointing as us and shaking his sweat wristbands. Everyone gathers around Tim. Jarrell and Suede don’t even look human. Suede is wearing some sort of World War II Iron Cross on his cut-odd jean jacket which makes me think “Gay Nazi.” Who wants to give off that impression? They don’t make a scent that relays that. Jarrell is wearing this Jill Scott cast-off. He needs to understand that not everyone should try wearing some sort of voluminous shift to signify their soul sista status. You can be soul and wear a nice t-shirt, Alice Walker.The designers will be using green fabrics for their dresses. “Environmentally responsible textiles.” I would immediately demand polyester, rayon, and silk. How dare they limit my expression! Silent Fashion Assassin Leanne spins some lie about always using those sorts of materials. You’re not being very “Silent.” The models will do the shopping. Stella gives an “ohhh grreeatt.” Shannone, Kenley’s mode with the hot name, says that Kenley had a look of “disgust.” It was probably towards Jerrell. The models run around and shop and ram into each other like bulimic bumper cars. I think I just saw a rib fall out. Suede’s model picked “what would look good on me.” Hot. A clothesrack after my own lack of soul. Tia, Keith’s model, grabbed some peacock feathers. Yes, because a dead animal harvested for its feathers is environmentally responsible. Oh, brother. Hopefully one of these bims will stumble upon a mink to ill for its pelt. I’d show up with a fox head and feign stupidty. “It’s eyes! So pretty!”Why hasn’t Keith been topless yet this episode. Jarrell’s still working at his catchphrase, and he ALMOST has it when he says his biggest fear is that his model is going to come back with “remnants of nonsense.” But I don’t want to give it to him, because he’s a dickus. And that would be Keith’s girl.The designers are all hating on their models. Kenley’s girl brought back a hot pink t-shirt material that earns that look of disgust the girl saw earlier. Ken and his man pecs find that peach and champagne don’t go well together. He questions the feathers. Wesley, sporting the latest from Marc Jacobs’ last nocturnal emission, deigns his fabric “disgusting.” That’s a harsh word. If she came back with like cumrags, or the packing from a wound, ok.  But this show is about making it work, youngin’.Wesley has a v-neck on under a vest. And in his interview footage, he has a sweater knotted around his neck. Why don’t you just prop the fashion mag up and dress EXACTLY LIKE THE PHOTOGRAPH. Damn. I’m obviously just jealous because I can’t afford or fit my moobs into those clothes. Though I doubt I would dress so explicitly from the “cocksucker” section of the department store.Suede wants to put Suede into it. Can he put Suede in a compactor? Stella finds her model to be earthy and organic, and beachy and free and flowy. And Stella isn’t feeling it. Mostly because Stella can’t feel anything through her haze of pills. Emily tells us that she loves the “green” aspect of this challenge and is talking about the “gnarly dyes” that the fashion industry routinely pumps into our oceans. Fashion takes sacrifices! So, some f*cking cod died so I could wear these pumps! Can you put some kind of pressure bandage on that bleeding heart and shut the f*ck up?Blayne has a braid on his damn fool head, I want to tug it as a warning about melanoma. Blayne refers to Heidi as “Darth Vader, Darthlicious” and “crazy.” He better watch his assuredly tanned ass. He’s been smoking a helluva lot of crystal if he thinks that footage won’t get back to her. And she’s no joke. She’ll dump you off the show and then turn off your utilities. Germans don’t f*ck around.Kenley is bitchy about Daniel having the same black fabric as her. It’s not like he bought it himself. Korto is making a dress for her model’s hips and butt. Stella is totally going against her model’s wishes. That’ll play on the runway. God help you if the judges ask her what she thinks. Suede decided to cut out all these strips. He’s still talking about Suede like he is his alter ego that surfaced when Dad wouldn’t stop testing his enema bottle on him when he was four.  All of the designers note his third person issue. Silent Fashion Assassin mocks him to us, and voices my request that he stop talking in the third person. Get that in writing.Daniel and Wesley do the eye-tossing your salad thing, alluding to their new romance. Which will shortly end in tragedy. In about 45 minutes. Silent Fashion Assassin notes that she has the same material as Wesley and Straight Joe. She’s planning on adding “new shapes” to make it stand out. Like a heptagalong, and a zhoombus? This bitch is going to channel some Theodor Geisel and I like it. Kenley has an issue with Silent Fashion Assassin’s “shapes.” Emily thinks she has a “funky, underground edgy look” which means that she doesn’t actually have that. If you say you’re that, you’re not. Like if I said I was “neo-classical with a hint of the avant-garde”, I wouldn’t be. Let other people decide what you are. I should totally be a motivational speaker.Korto is nervous that her dress is the exact same dress as Emily’s. Everyone tells her to get ahold of her damn self. Stella talks to us while wearing some sort of Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome vest and says that people shouldn’t distract themselves with worrying about other people’s garments. Here’s Tim. Kenley’s a grinner. Korto’s dress looks like it’s inside-out. She fools Tim completely. He gives her an “oh” while he scrambles to think of something positive to say. He tells her she has to be perfect and she sorta gives him the fish-eye.Suede needs to realize Suede’s Gay Nazi ass is making a crazy ass picnic basket dress. But it excites Tim. Wesley quietly explains his cocktail dress and stuns us with his pendant. Leeanne’s dress looks like it’s from the same collection. Tim tells her to edit herself. Verbally, too, please. The winning dress will be sold on Bluefly, he reveals.Some Hollywood slut will be a guest judge. Kenley thinks that it’s important to impress them. Just have a vial of cocainya hanging off a tassel and you should be all set. Daniel has a ton of work to do, and his huge wooden bracelet is getting in the way. Wesley must be stressed because he’s missing his vest. Stella is like some kind of foghorn of punctuality. She’s whining about her leather. Everyone starts bagging on her for her leather fetish. She just wants to work with leather. She wants to make love to leather. Blayne does a pretty good imitation of her. She should kick him in his leather Cheerio. Stella tells Blayne to remove the piece of leather from the gap in his teeth. To be honest, that tanned turtle better watch himself. I can see Stella bottling a bitch and then calmly smoking a Newport afterwards.The next morning – Keith makes Daniel’s bed. Sorry, Wesley’s already tapped that, Chesty McTits. Suede is wearing an amazing jumpsuit. Someone tell Suede that Suede’s jumpsuit is to die for and probably repels toxins. Korto feels better that everyone else is running late. Suede is talking about dandelions. Is he aware of his surroundings? Tim comes in with a pep talk and models. Blayne’s still saying “licious.” Shut your mouth, Blayne. Stella’s model actually likes how Stella screwed her over with her leather-wish fulfillment dress. Daniel is still working. He has FIVE minutes. Wesley looks over to wish he hadn’t wasted time finger-banging Daniel. Jerell (whose name I’ve been spelling wrong, but he’s annoying so I don’t care) mentions “Team Ugly Brown Fabric” has fallen behind. Wesley’s model gives US the side-eye because apparently Wesley’s taking up her time. Oh sorry, honey, we weren’t aware you had that all-important sit outside the cafe downtown and smoke butts and not eat meeting. Do your job!Suede will be “rocking it.” Shut up, you egomaniacal pinhead. Stella burns her model’s ass. Give her an idea for a dress she hates and see what happens! Runway show! Heidi’s rocking some sort of Vicky’s secret pantaloons and corset. Cheap. Hair looks good, though. The bigger and more Charlie’s Angels. the better.Kenley’s one of those girls whose mouth is always open. She’s going to draw flies.Natalie Portman is here! Girl! I think Suede just had Suede blow her a kiss. Nat talks about her eco shoe line. I’m shocked that they got someone this huge. Wesley’s going home. I already knew that, but it’s for a good reason. Dresses with pockets are creepy, Daniel. What’s with the Harlequin collars people keep twerkin’? The only one that made me go “ugh” really was Wesley’s which looks like a blind person with hooks for hands sewed it. Who’d had a stroke. Kenley is making jokes about couture. Shut it, Kenley. Everyone notes that Wesley’s garment is a mess. Natalie is cute and compliments his huge fail on its bow. Meana notes that looking “tiny and short” in your dress is the “quickest way to look cheap.” Some funny editor manages not to cut to Heidi’s outfit immediately. But he gets there. Heh. Korto starts to cry when Kors tells her that her model shouldn’t have fins off her butt because it makes her look like a total fat ass. Natalie tells Suede his dress rocks, and then the smarmy asshole offers it to her. Heidi says she would wear his dress if she was ten years younger. Dream on, crone. Silent Fashion Assassin’s model sells her ass out. Was this because she was picked second to last? Kors loves the “right dress on the right girl” verdict. Natalie likes Open Mouth Kenley’s Bettie Page vibe. Damn, hang out on Sunset Blvd. Swingers was YEARS ago, Natpo! Korto is still weeping backstage. What’s up, Andre? Natpo is working a smoky eye, btw. And Fashion Assassin seems to be crying because her model utterly betrayed her. Before my bitch went out there, I’d be like “you listen to me, and you listen good, slut. You BACK ME UP, or I will make your life a waking nightmare. Do you hear me?”It’s time. Suede wins. Natpo gives him the sexy happy sideeye. He lets us know that “Suede f*cking rocked it.” For some reason my boyfriend thinks that Suede is sweet. I’d rather die. Korto is sobbing, and she’s my new favorite dramatic sinkhole of the show. She’s safe. Which is sad because that’s how far the level has sunk for this show. The assassin will live to kill again. Wesley’s out. It’s ok, he found a boyfriend. Natpo looks ready to cry. Don’t cry, you’re rich. And have a smoky eye. Assassin can’t imagine that Wesley’s not going to be here. How did they have time to bond? She’s an assassin! She can’t have friends! She needs to be a shadow!Next – Raingear, Tim’s suicidal, Keith and Stella take their hatred to the streets.

By J. Harvey
  1. BlueJay

    Aww, I might actually miss Boy Shorts Wesley a little bit. He was kinda cute and there isn’t alot of cute in this group of fugs. I would love to know what kinda of crazy horse tranquilizers Stella is poppin. I wonder what she’s like when she’s off the meds. Tim is sort of fading into the background this season. That makes me sad. And how adorable was little Natalie? I would love to kidnap her and chain her to my basement. I bet she’s a good listener. And her hair is so shiny.

  2. ScottT

    I think that was one of your funniest recaps ever man.
    or maybe it’s the weed.

  3. Dottie654

    Your recaps are waaaaaaay too long. The humor gets lost and old b/c of it. And I find myself getting bored about half way through. Tighten them up….make it work!!

  4. Raven

    I don’t think your recaps are too long! They’re fabulous! This and the Living Lohan one make my life! :)

  5. Mandyle8

    You’re recaps are soooooo not too long! I love your projrun recaps and tell all my friends to read them. Well, all my female and gay friends anyway.

  6. thepickupbear

    I was pleased to see that my home-town hero Blayne was actually able to design something cute and wearable from hot pink and black.

    Though I refuse to call anything -licious.

    Just saying licious on its own makes it look like an infection. I’ve got some serious liciousness in my crotch, I’m going to the doctor right away! Bleh.

  7. MB

    Actually, peacock feathers are not taken from dead birds – every fall they molt their colorful tail feathers…

  8. ScottT

    Don’t listen to Dottie…..

  9. patches

    sometimes the recaps are better than the show!

  10. Green Arrow Funbags

    Awesome recap. Laughed and laughed. Make them even LONGER. And did you notice Keith’s little rat tail? I’m pretending it’s not happening.

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