Project Runway: “Flowy…colorful…..Uli!”

Project Runway Recap-1

Previously – Vincent and Angela were brought back and then disposed of. Again. Laura melted down but then won the next challenge, and Kayne was sent packing back to Kansas to design gowns for the Miss Tractor Pull 2006 pageant.

Morning in NYC. German superspy Uli camera-relates about how nerve-wracking it is to be in the final four and to possibly not be showing in Olympus Fashion Week. Jeffrey’s out of Midol again and cuts up the other contestants as he proclaims Michael’s work as “run of the mill” and Laura’s as “mothballs and chicken soup”. So what was that dress you made for Laura’s Moms, ass? He thinks people who appreciate his fashion “live dangerously”, like when you share needles. At one point during this monologue, he’s laying on his bed in some reddish lighting and amusing himself by flipping the bird at the camera and I’m waiting for him to pull a Martin Sheen trashing the hotel room in Apocalypse Now. He’s losing it. I wish he’d just go downriver and find Marlon Brando and leave all of us alone.

You would think these people were going off to Iraq with the solemnity of their actions and summations before the next challenge. Please, it’s a friggin’ fashion design competition. Laura’s not going to be up in a tank somewhere. The editors are annoying me this evening. Challenge. Heidi’s hair is looking greasy. The designers are going to meet with Nina Garcia at Elle. Now I understand the going off to war feeling. I apologize to the editors.

Written by J. Harvey

More of the J. Harvey’s “Project Runway” recap, after the jump.

“Project Runway” airs Wednesday’s at 10/9c on Bravo.

Uli takes Michael’s model with the Afro and we’re finally seeing a glimpse of the supersecret assassin spy who’s got a jet pack hidden under her flowy peasant top for a quick escape. Michael seems shocked by the move, but Uli camera-justifies that you want to do everything to make your design look great. And well, yeah. It’s a competition. I would be all over that chick. Did you see her in the Pam Grier pantsuit? Don’t be naïve, Michael.

Jeffrey picks his usual model, and Kayne’s pesky chatterbox model looks all appalled and is this editing trickery or is she really just that up on herself that designers who’ve never worked with her should immediately be clamoring to design for her annoying ass? Jeffrey’s model goes backstage and does this whole triumphant I’m riding a horse or having sex in a sideways position motion and I love her because she looks homeless and a little ripe but hot. Uli apologizes to her model that she didn’t choose. Her model blows her a kiss and she better watch out that her model isn’t actually an American agent sent by the CIA to protect Heidi and that kiss didn’t contain some kind of airborne virus. This shit is so James Bond. I hope there’s a hovercraft and some bikini girls with machine guns. And Jane Seymour reading tarot cards.
Designers are off to Elle. A reluctant Nina welcomes them with a faint “welcome to Elle” sounding like “my office has just been cleaned and don’t touch anything”. It’s the tone of someone who doesn’t like children and is faced with a child but she can’t put it down a garbage chute because the mother is there.

Nina goes on this spiel about fashion editorials or whatever and is all defending her job and choices in life, really. The challenge is that designers have to “tell a story” and create an outfit that gives their point of view as a designer. They have complete creative freedom and thank Christ Angela isn’t here because you can imagine the lovely fleurchamp encrusted poufy skirt and jackboots she would have turned in. And then they have to choose three words that connect to their design. I kind of tune this all out because I’m transfixed by Jeffrey’s sky blue footwear. Yikes. Ugly. Then Nina is like, please leave I just had these hardwood floors polished and you all look very dirty to me.

Designers get sketchy. Jeffrey is determined to pull a fast one on the judges and defy their expectations of them by creating a red, white and blue dress. I’m going to move on. Then again, watch it win. Uli is a little “confused”. Laura isn’t sending some “risky surprise” down the runway. At mood, Uli selects a….wait for it….print. And she is the most adorable Cold War sleeper agent possible as she describes it as “flowy…colorful…ULI!” And there you have your next ringtone. Michael has designer’s block. I’m nervous. Uli is acting way too whimsical for a penultimate challenge and Laura flat-out laughs at her and tells her that her dress “looks like every other dress she did”. It actually does. Why doesn’t Uli just design fabric? After she assassinates the ambassador to Quarac and steals the plutonium.

Jeffrey wears Uli’s dress and charges at her like a bull. Laura doesn’t have time to chat with Uli in German. It’s ok; she knows at least thirty different languages, including ancient Sumerian. Ok, I gotta stop. Michael figures out his design, this evening gown with strips of fabric. Tim Gunn walks in and wonders why Jeffrey is working outside of his box. Jeffrey explains that he’s made hand-sewn dresses before and they have always made people cry. Jeffrey is seriously saying that he creates fashion of such beauty that it brings people to tears. I’m hating his tattoo again.

Tim tells them that they need to “wow” the judges. Tim’s like “don’t bore Nina!” and Uli responds with a cutesy chirpy “oh oh”. And I take it back. She’s not here to assassinate Heidi, she’s Gizmo. Don’t feed her after midnight, and don’t EVER get her wet. Uli takes her dress apart and starts over. She now only has one day to finish her design. Oh, Uli. Laura keeps speaking to her as if she’s a child. Laura is really condescending to people from other lands.

Next day. Tim tells them that the winning design will be photographed by the guy who usually takes the pictures of the winner over at Top Model and will be featured on Elle’s First Look page or whatever. So, that’s why he’s not over with Ty Ty for Cycle 7! Bitch got outbid by Heidi! The designers will also be photographing their own models on the streets of Manhattan and conveying the story of their design. Will Jeffrey have enough time to find a crackhouse? The new deadline is 5 p.m. and no one is near ready.
Jeffrey gets a video message from his girlfriend and their son, and I can’t crack on him because he tells us he supports his family with his business and is crying when he sees his kid. See, I have a heart. Uli tells us that when she works on deadline, everything in her body just “goes and makes it happen”. She gives birth to her designs, really.

Models get fitted and it’s time for photos! Michael shoots his model in a store or hotel or something. Jeffrey’s in the park and he tells us that the “provocation and the irreverence to me are all in the fabrication”. The motherf*cker sounds like David Lee Roth. Laura has some issues trying to photograph her model in an elevator and she’s not able to keep the door open. I’m nervous for the baby. Uli takes photos of her model everywhere and enlists passersby which I think is a cool idea to actually make the model look like she’s part of the real world.

The writers create one sheets with their model’s photographs and the three words they chose to describe their work. God, either I was so off on my analysis of Uli as a superspy or she’s just an amazing deep cover agent. She writes “FUN, LIFE, ADVENTURE” on her one sheet and draws the sun and fluffy clouds. Man, do I read people wrong. She’s a six-year-old girl. Uli cuts up Michael by declaring that Michael’s dress looks like it belongs in a phone sex television spot. Ouch. Jeffrey calls it “stupid”. People are CHUGGING their Haterade. I’m going to reserve my judgment of Michael’s dress. The model’s dirty pillows are able to fall right out of it but if worn right it could still be considered tasteful.

The next morning, Laura tells us how she’s feeling the drain of having to be creative day after day after day. Try writing these recaps, baby. We watch her try and apply her makeup with shaky hands and it’s sorta like watching a decrepit showgirl putting on her face backstage at the most rundown casino in Vegas. Tim tells everyone how proud he is of them. Awww. Though, don’t think he doesn’t shill for TresEmme, Loreal, and Macy’s. A girl needs to get hers.

Judges fit models. It’s time. The final four! Can you feel it? Heidi’s looking chesty. Seal’s a lucky man. The guest judge is the fashion writer for the Wall Street Journal? Uh, what? Cuz, lord knows I turn to the Wall Street Journal for my fashion tips. Who the hell reads the Wall Street Journal for fashion? What – what your trophy wife should wear to the awards banquet or maybe what tie to wear when you’re oppressing the little people? I’m sensing someone dropped out at the last minute.

Runway. Models look hot. And uh, I’m not feeling Michael’s dress really. For the first time. Maybe it’s the color? It does look kinda cheesy. That’s just me. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Michael. Don’t nobody talk bad about Michael! That’s my dog. And I love him because he thinks his dress even “makes a white girl look like she got some ass”. How do I love Michael? Let me count the ways.

Judges confer. The Wall Street Journal lady looks like someone’s Mom. I’d protest her inclusion. I’d rather have Ivanka Trump back. Or Kors’ Mom. Judges tear people apart. Laura gets shit for turning in the same. I suddenly like Wall Street Journal lady because she gets right down in it with an “editorially, we have seen this dress before”. Wall Street’s got sass!

Michael gets CUT UP. That’s all I can say. This is his dark night of the sewing machine. Uli’s model’s rocking these giant Nicole Richie shades and could be asleep behind them during the judging. Heid could put anyone to sleep. Her model isn’t asleep because she flashes a big ass grin when the judges fawn over Uli’s creation. Nina actually smiles and seems sincere because Uli made a short dress. She’s in. Jeffrey gets cut up as well, and Michael Kors flashes his own self-hatred by declaring Jeffrey’s dress as “too pretty”. He really has a low self-opinion, doesn’t he? It’s from having Herman Munster for a Mom. Nina is “confused” by Jeffrey’s entry, and Heidi thinks she looks like his model should be “milking a cow”. Hee.

Judges hash it out. Michael gets static for using alliteration in his three words, people are so damn picky. Michael will scream if he sees more of Laura’s “bugle beads and feathers”. Oh please, your closet at home is filled with them, whack-a-doo. He feels she needs to “rough it up” a little. He’s clearly having some kind of crisis this evening.

It’s time. I’m dying inside. Everyone but Uli seems screwed. She wins it, and her design will be in Elle. And she’s going to Fashion Week! If she’s a spy, her master plan is doing nothing but succeeding. Laura’s going to Fashion Week with the warning that Kors doesn’t want to see plunging necklines unless they’re on his pool boy.

And are you ready for the twist? Because Michael and Jeffrey are both IN!!!!!! Jeffrey gives the cutest wink and dances a jig behind the Project Runway screen. I can’t believe it! Tim is so thrilled that he doesn’t have the “adequate words to express it”. How about “oh jeezus!”?

This is fantastic! I’m thrilled! I need to get myself a goddamn life. Like, leave the house or something. Seriously. I’m sad.

Next – the reunion special. Keith Michael escapes from the reptile house at the Central Park zoo and he’s all sour grapes and Angela and Jeffrey are reunited on the playground at Jubilee Jumbles.