Project Runway: Happy Hands At Home Granny Circle

Previously – It was avant-tard all over the place, as designers had to create an couture type look and it’s ready to wear scaled down sibling based on model’s hairstyles. Fashion Bear and the newly christened Ferosh (Christian) triumphed. Rami Noodles freaked his shit. Kit Weaponry was sent home.

Good morning, little yellowbirds! It’s Gotham! Did every episode of this show always include someone mourning someone’s else’s ousting? Sweet P misses Kit. Right. VictorYA refers to Sweet P as “Kit”. I’m shocked she’s not referring to everyone as “Simone” or “hey you” or “you’re the cleaning lady, right?”. She’s such a bitch. She calls her “Kit” again despite Sweet P already having corrected her. Is it the tattoos? Over at the queendom next door, Rami Noodles notes that nothing has changed in their dormroom. He looks a little abashed seeing as we all know he acted like a straight-up nervous lady in the last challenge and got trounced for it.

Tricky Ricky has kept it simple, and is now down to a regular baseball cap – the kind that companies will print anything on the blank front for you. He tells us it’s hard to stay excited when you’re told at every elimination that you’re not good enough. Well, yeah, but you suck at some of these challenges. Sorry. If this was a trashy lingerie competition, I’m sure you’d take the prize, Cry Guy. Christian strolls up with a shoulder bag that could contain him and another small, petulant child. it looks like a couch.

It’s time to keep a model or ditch a model. The model that Christian already dumped is there, and to make up for it – Christian keeps her again. Oh, and the one he sends home? He says “thank you more than life”? So you just thanked her more than you would your Mom for spreading her legs wide enough to pass that hairdo and foisting you on the world? Thank you more than life?!?! Shut up! The models moan about having to take a field trip with Tim to introduce the next challenge. Rami is nervous about maybe having to end up in a garbage can, having to make a wedding dress. I’d like to see that challenge! Here’s your used condom veil, model. Mind the DNA! I note that Rami has his arm around Sweet P as they roll up to meet Tim. You better kiss every inch of her tattooed middle aged lesbian mom ass for how you acted! Granted, she might want to check herself seeing as the fact that she had to be comforted by a sixteen year old model during her cry shower last episode was embarrassing for everyone.

More Project Runway, after the jump!

Designers ride in the Misery Machine to their next challenge. The word “fabulous” is bandied about. Ugh. Can’t we take a different tack and someone talk about how they once turned tricks for gasoline in Arizona or found their missing sibling’s mummified remains in a trunk in the attic 25 years later. And the van would go silent? I am so drawn to VictorYA riding in silence in big sunglasses, looking like Yoko Ono’s stank little sister. She needs to have a radio telecast worldwide celebrating John Lennon’s life except instead of saying “People of Earth, how are you?” she would be all “Is this microphone on? I don’t like the way that engineer is looking at me. I agree to disagree, sir. Where’s my water? No, I said sparkling,” and then launching into some screeching and yodeling. They’re going over the Brooklyn Bridge, and Christian is pissy about going to a borough. Easy there, Uptown Girl. Weren’t you like born for Williamsburg, Electro Vegan Hair Design Angular Sissy?

They meet up with a woman who looks like an “ANTM” reject, and she’s the head designer for Levi’s. Hot! They’re on a dock, so I’m waiting for Tricky Ricky to sob to us about how he came over on an raft to a dock just like this one when he was but a child, and he watched a shark eat his little brother Jesus. A garage door opens to show them what their challenge is, and Jillian’s all breathless and I’m not sure I even want to know what’s on the other side of that door. God, the observations are irritating this go-round. It’s a ton of Levis jeans. 500 pairs! And some white cotton. This episode is a huge Levis commerical. They have to create some design to invoke the spirit of Levis or some crap. I wonder how much a company pays Heidi Klum and Bravo to enjoy this much self-suckage.

The jeans are hung really far away and they only have three minutes. Fashion Bear Chris isn’t in love with this idea. Neither am I. I’d be like “is there some sort of carriage or tram or people mover to get me to my destination, kind sir?” Sweet P loses a shoe in the stampede and shows us her dirty foot. Ugh. Why wouldn’t you have applied some cleanser. My germ/dirt phobic boyfriend would be gagging right now if he was watching this with me. It’s all clothespins a’flyin’! Fashion Bear points to a pair left on the ground, and Victorya’s all “those are mine, I think those might be mine” and takes them. You bitch. Though, that’s how I get all the drinks at parties. “Oh, is that mine, it looks like mine, ok,” gulp.

The designers have until midnight, and there are a ton of “notions” to work with, which I guess means buttons and Bedazzler type things to adorn denim with? Tricky Ricky tells us that denim is fun to work with and he makes his hats out of denim sometimes. Dude, your hats are accquired at carnivals! You choose between them and the mirror with Stevie Nicks painted on it when you win. He says he can fit denim really well and he’s making a corset. We get a Rami Noodles autobiography and we learned he took up sketching and design to avoid political conflict in his hometown of Jerusalem. At 5 or 6. I think I was still soiling myself at that time! Damn. Sweet P’s jeans are dirty and Fashion Bear and Christian’s friendship ends as they clash on how Sweet P should clean them. Fashion Bears says wet, Christian says dry and Fashion Bear seems like he was put out of sorts by having to run on the docks and he’s all “obviously, you’ve never been a stylist”. Chris, we love you, but after seeing that plaid tarp you wear as a robe, it’s going to be hard to take that retort seriously. Stylist, heal thyself! Fashion Bear cracks to us that “it’s so cute to see youth,” and roles his eyes. Heh.

Everyone’s finding Christian to be irritating, and Fashion Bear remarks that someone needs to give him a bottle and send him to bed. Jillian loves this. This must be the stress of competition getting to everyone episode. Christian does a lot of pissing and moaning and complaining and I think he’d be interesting and amusing for about two hours at a party and then I’d be looking for a bottle to hit him with. We learn that VitorYA’s mother made everything she wanted when she was a child. Or else! Ya claims that she would sketch things and her mom would make them. That had to have been tiring, trying to fit this surly eleven year old with a series of ball gowns and pony costumes with real horsehair. And make dinner at the same time!

Christian and VictorYA are both doing jackets. And so is Jillian. Ugh. And Jillian cites their previous teamup, and is “annoyed” that she designed the coat last challenge and that VictorYA is doing another one. Because she has cornered the market on coats? Oh easy there. People have a lot of hairs across asses in this episode. Chloe drives across LA in her Saturn. Hi Chloe! Christian feels so manly working in denim. Christian is making an “edgy biker jacket” for a woman, based on a man’s Levi’s trucker jacket. Sweet P is making a wedding dress. You know she’s been to a few Hell’s Angels weddings. Of course, the ceremony ends with the bride being thrown over a motorcycle and raped by the groomsmen but there’s a lot of beer and it takes place in a meadow! Oh MY GOD, Sweet P is A) straight and B) married? How did I miss that? And trust me, she is not with the man who you would think she would be with. I dig the suit and stuff, but the guy looks like the guy at the playground with the binoculars if you catch my meaning. Sweet P is all makeup, tattoos and boobs. Hot wedding. Her husband’s name is Sage! He supports her financially! Kiddie porn pays.

Fashion Bear and Christian (aka “Ferosh”) discuss people having had to go home and Christian notes that “some annoying people” are still left. Oh don’t be a douche if you can help it. Then again, the producers are probably thanking Jesus for someone with a pulse. Christian was referring to Tricky Ricky and tells us that he thinks it’s a joke that he’s still here and Kit had to go home. I agree with Chickenhead. Christian says he has no vision and it’s been the same boring thing from him since Day One. Agreed. Sorry, Ricky, I know your Mom raised you right and stuff and had no arms or whatever, but you don’t see me trying to write code or anything. Tricky Ricky feels that he’s getting looks, and feels that the others don’t know he has a lot of experience. He was an assistant designer for Valentino’s lingerie line and worked with Oscar De La Renta. He was also a VP of design for Vera Wang lingerie! Wow. Ok, we’ll give it to you. You can make panties! Doesn’t mean you should be designing my prom dress!

Fashion Bear’s tendency to talk to himself “like a crackhead” is noted. He talks to the dress as he designs it. Hey, whatever. Though I think he should have spoken more to that couch jacket and it would have said “kill me, please, before I harm anyone else”. Tim’s here to discuss designs. He thinks Ricky’s dress is “stunning”. Wow. He doesn’t like Chris’ pocket, he finds it “incongruous”. That Chris and his incongruous pockets! Rami Noodles is going to blow everyone away with his zipper fringe. Tim is scared by Sweet P’s wedding dress, and uses the best term to describe anything ever: “happy hands at home granny circle”. Tim Gunn, I want to give you babies! She’s told to “resolve the skirt”. That’s marketing genius, someone needs to use that slogan. Sweet P takes Tim seriously and takes scissors to her dress. What if he didn’t like her hair?

So Jillian is at her machine, and pissing and moaning about how they’re not given time to do the work. Fashion Bear turns on her like she’s a camper that pissed him off. She retorts that she’s only venting out loud like “you do”. He slaps her down verbally, and she ends up crying over her machine because she keeps cutting herself. As my friend Kev says, it’s not secret cutting if you talk about it. I had to use that line again because I forgot to attribute it to him two recaps ago and bitch threatened to sue. Writers are touchy. So Jillian is all “I’m bleeding everywhere.” Well, get some gauze and keep moving! Apply a pressure bandage. This is not the time for faltering and tears will corrode that machine! They’re salty!

Morning. Rami Noodles applies cologne liberally. And when I say liberally, I mean he’s affecting the oxygen level in the room. It’s the same amount of cologne that shysters apply before they go to seduce elderly rich widows who can’t really see or hear anymore but appreciate Stetson. Tricky Ricky is celebrating his last episode by wearing the hat that the guy who fisted me in the backroom at the Ramrod wore before he reached for the Crisco. Ok, that never happened and that was probably the filthiest thing I could have written but sometimes you need to spice it up to make sure everyone’s awake. And vomiting.

Tim’s here. Time to get models ready. Jillian is so dramatic this episode. She’s like flailing all over the place and moaning. Does she have a UTI or something? Was she like this when her parents asked her to take out the trash when she was a kid. Oh who am I kidding. Like that went on. Fashion Bear has fun with his model. He can do voices! VictorYA’s trying to communicate with hers but I think this chick did some angel dust or something because she looks like she’s looking for the giant bug to tell her problems to as her teeth chatter. Heidi’s not amused. Fashion Bear is a little snippy this episode and I think maybe someone took his Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups stash back at the apartment without telling him. He notes that VictorYa didn’t really make anything. It does look inside out. Tricky Ricky is all starry-eyed as he notes that “wow, it’s exactly what I wanted it to look like.” Shit? I’m kidding, I need to wait for the runway show. He doesn’t know what the judges want, but he keeps telling himself that he’s doing what he wants. That’s a really good strategy, you’re gonna go really far with that one. Who am I kidding? He has! I swear he had a hidden camera on some married Bravo executive he got down with.

VictorYA tells us that “despite all this” she still wants to make it to the finals. Despite all want? Human interaction? Effort? There’s a bunch of entitled dicks this season. Jillian and her model trash Victorya’s design and her model whispers “that does not look cute”. Which could be the theme for a lot of this season. She should just whisper it at the end of the opening credits like the whispers at the end of the “Cloverfield” credits. Did you know that in the scenes at the end of “Cloverfield” that take place at Coney Island you can allegedly see the monster crashing down in the ocean in the background? I don’t recall that, but conspiracies galore! Christian thinks he invented the denim cure for cancer and admittedly, it’s a cool design. But he says that if he sees another tube dress, he’s going to kill himself and he can’t stand it and he’s gonna die. I say reach for the scissors and do us all a favor, Talky.

Runway time! Jillian’s not proud of her workmanship. Why did Heather Locklear allow Eva Longoria to horn in on her Loreal gig? I would have walked. Immunity’s out of the challenges from now on. Nina Garcia didn’t put any conditioner in today. Fly away! Tricky Ricky’s design looks very The Jets. And I don’t mean the football team. I love how Victorya gives her own design the fisheye. She should. Christian’s all up on his design. He finds it “pretty fierce”. You didn’t see that coming did you? What is this thing you call “fierce”?

They keep ALL the designers. Christian gets high marks. He should, it’s pretty hot. Damn him. Fashion Bear gets nailed. Heidi thinks it’s like “home sewn”. Is that like home-schooled? Ricky’s model looks very Eva Mendes. He tells them the dress represents the “little bitch” in me. Dude, you’ve been representin’ her this whole time. And guess what? He ain’t goin’ home. They dig his dress. Guess I was wrong. DAMN I HATE THAT! Did you know that Michael Kors likes Amy Winehouse. Crackhead lover! Did he see that video where she smokes a rock and talks about her cat and how she has court the next day? A masterpiece. Tricky Ricky has an Andre meltdown. Heidi pulls the trigger by asking “what’s up with you?” Dude, shut your piehole and fade back. He starts going off about the “rollercoaster” and Kors tells him it doesn’t go away. “Little bitch”.

Jillian is told her model “looks bigger”. Heidi LOVES to tell the other models they look fat. It moistens her. Michael says Sweet P’s dress has “voodoo, has magic” and Heidi notes it’s slimming. Nina notes that “any of us girls, except Michael” would wear it. And he chimes in that he would too, “with the right shoe”. Who’s he kidding, he has a whole closet full of ladies shoes. And probably Uggs. Michael Kors is discussing VictorYA’s design and uses the word “reconnoitered” which I thought meant when you stake out the enemy’s territory. Does it also mean re-designed? Someone get me a dictionary. VictorYA might be going home because her outfit look bbbaaadddd. Definitely “not cute”.

Judges discuss. Tricky Ricky gave them the “lingerie experience” finally. Something I wouldn’t want personally, but wow, go Tricky. Still crying backstage. He must go through so much Kleenex in a month. Christian did redesign jeans. Wow. Heidi thought Jillian’s models looked like “a marshmallow”. Imagine her being your personal trainer. You’d be sobbing in a corner and weighing 90 lbs. eventually. Michael Kors thought Fashion Bear’s design looked “very Joan Cusack in ‘Working Girl'” You know he wants to be that Sigourney Weaver character so bad. VictorYa’s screwed. Maybe she should have her mother design it. The Mac Air is freaky and it gave my boyfriend a Machead orgasm. He might sell me to afford one.

It’s time. Noodles is in. Tricky Ricky won, and Christian is pissed. Jesus, was I wrong. God, does this mean I have to stop bagging on him. No. He’s still crying. VictorYA is trying to look like a sad orphan so they won’t axe her ass. Fashion Bear’s staying. It’s down to the Trenchcoat Mafia. Heidi says she was “confused” by Jillian’s design. Later, YA! Yeah, bring your Moms next time. VictorYA says it’s hard because she’s competitive. She does a weird bouncing wave goodbye. Did you know her and Christian were such good friends, they hug a lot. She intends to have a long and fulfilling career in fashion. Or at least her mother does.

Next – Sex moans? I have no idea. Maybe it has something to do with Tricky Ricky’s hats?