Project Runway: Prom Theme? “Misery”

Previously – It was candy a’flyin’ as our brave designers had to make do with materials from the Hershey store in Times Square. Elisa thought “wearable” meant “brown macabre Gretel-looking” so she got bounced despite her tragic past as a human speedbump. Christian took his ego for a walk around the workroom. And Sweet P created a “Maxipad” according to Tim Gunn. Thanks for that one, Tim.

By J. Harvey

NYC! New Goth Apartments. Christian is blow-drying his parrothead. Why is Tricky Ricky brushing his teeth in the kitchen? That’s gross. Rami Noodles is walking around in a towel, on the off chance that the audience is voting on best body. I think Straight Kevin has him beat. VictorYA is applying her disgust mask in the bathroom, and tells us that “crazily enough, I miss Elisa”. Yeah, me too. I wouldn’t miss you, though, Ya. You’re a grouch. She felt connected to her? The only thing she’s connected to is the freezer, because that bitch is frosty. The next challenge is about creating memories. Oh shit, it’s teenage girls. Now we’re talking! Kevin said he thought their scrim silhouette was “midgets or oompah-loomps”. Ok, it’s “oompa-loompah” you Willy Wonka poser! And I speak as someone who has read both books and thinks Gene Wilder was the perfect Willy Wonka and feels that Tim Burton basically took a nice long whiz all over the project. Some private school girls walk out, and the designers start CRACKING UP at them. That’s nice. As if the teen years aren’t awkward enough.

The designers are going to be making their prom dresses. Sweet P’s all “they’re really short”. Jesus, why don’t you start complaining about their complexions and bust sizes? Let’s contrast initial reactions to this challenge. Fashion Bear Chris looks overjoyed and laughs and claps (that poor girl is going to end up looking like Lady Bunny at the Transgender School Prom), as opposed to VictorYA who looks like she’d rather design a tube top for a rabid possum. Christian lets us know that he thinks prom is “horrible, tacky, and gross”. While true, this one ALWAYS has to go against the grain, eh? He’s that indie hipster that’s not a natural I just wear dirty t-shirts and like Japanese noise rock hipster. He’s like that because he’s kind of a douche, so it’s made him reject everything status quo. Outright. Ewww, food? Horrible, tacky and gross. Oxygen? So hot mess! And also? Probably didn’t get invited to the prom.

More Project Runway, after the jump.

The teens will get to select the designers they work with, and have looked at their portfolios. Chris starts mock-crying as his portfolio is filled with outrageous theatre and drag show costumes. And they all have giant foam boobs. A lot of gays love the boobs. The boyfriend does. It’s a complete Oedipal thing. Anyway, the girl that chooses him is in for a sailor costume and foam prop Singapore Sling to carry around.

Straight Kevin is looking so hot. Damn, why can’t he just fess’ up to the gayness. My favorite schoolgirl chooses Rami. She has white framed eyeglasses on, and she’s tall and gangly and has bad skin and I’m in love with her. The designers are STILL cracking up. What’s so funny? You friggin’ made clothes out of candy! Tim reminds them that the girls will have strong ideas. “Uh, I wanna look like Jessica Alba.” “Oh, ok, which dress did she wear that you liked?” “I don’t know. Just Jessica Alba. Can I check my e-mail, I left my sidekick back in that stupid greenroom you guys made me wait in. Is that Christian’s real hair?” Chris’ girl wants to look elegant but also wants to “pop”. Oh honey, those are fightin’ words. He will have an animatronic parrot on your head.

Shuriken Kit thinks the dresses should be more modest. Why is she such a prude? God, please don’t put her in leggings. Ohmygod, we see Kevin’s prom photo. I am going to throw up. He had floppy hair, a tan, and huge hoop earrngs. He looks like N*Sync circa 93. I’m shattered beyond all belief. Kevin is sketching on his teen model. Easy there, Slowhands. Rami’s girl Bianca is so hot. I love her glasses. We find out that VictorYA was chosen LAST. HAH! They could sense your stank from New Jersey! Sweet P’s teen basically wants a g-string and fuck me pumps. Sorry, I know she’s a kid but she’s talking about her juicy butt and those Catholic school produce the exact opposite of what the parents are looking for. Nuns aren’t scary nowadays. Priests are, but that’s a different story.

Christian’s teen is AWESOME. She’s not impressed by his ass at all because she’s a designer herself. And Christian sounds like he’s threatened by her when he relates that to us. Easy there, she’s 17. Maddie takes his pencil away and starts sketching on his paper and he’s like “girl…..”. Christian thinks she wants some tacky shit on her dress and tells her that she can’t change her mind once she starts. Why am I reminded of Jeffrey Sebelia trying to dress Jubilee Jumbles’ Moms? Why do I think someone is going to end up in tears? And why do I think it’s going to be Christian? He even falls on the ground after she leaves.

Sweet P disregards her teen’s request to have her dress be ivory. She also disregards her request to have diamond shape cutouts over the nipples. She goes with a champagne color. Chris talks about making a Christmas-type dress for his girl and Tim Gunn flees like vampire from a cross. I think he’s serious. He just mentioned a poinsettia. Christian tells us he was voted “Best Dressed” at the prom. We see a photo. Was it a school for the blind? So he did go. The hair is quite similar except spiked up. He tells us he’s not used to all the specific requests Maddie made and he’s not feeling fierce right now.

Jillian’s smoked some good shit, and is asking people how big her hair is. She better put her water pipe down and focus. Things can go awry here very quickly, we’re talking about teen girls. We see Kit’s prom photo and she looked really beautiful. No I didn’t say “what happened”, she has her own style. Apparently, she won prom princess and her closeted gay football player date one prince. I’m friends with a Homecoming Queen, and let me tell you – it’s a chore. Chris tells a gay joke. I like Chris. Tricky Ricky’s thinking about his Mom who was a seamstress and made his sisters’ prom dresses and here come the tears. Jesus, why torture yourself? He’s seriously crying A LOT. He lets us know that when you win “Project Runway”, every door opens up. Yeah, the door to a Saturn to film a tacky car commercial. Tell that to Jeffrey Seblia, poor bitch had to design clothes for the “Bratz” movie. Get a tissue and sop up the tears!

Sweet P is doing nothing resembling what her teen asked her to do. And tells us she’s not going home because she listened to a teenager. Damn, and I thought she seemed motherly! Someone’s still sore over that abortion she had in 84′. Jillian’s big hair has passed out on her workroom table. Was that shit laced with something? Christian hates his dress and thinks it’s tacky. “Tickidy-tacky” actually. This makes VictorYA smile, so we know the one thing she enjoys in life is negativity. Christian’s with Sweet P, and won’t let a 17 year old girl overpower him. I’ve seen Maddie. She could. Kevin’s still rocking the Mood tote bag. I think he might actually be straight now since that prom photo. Straight but a complete fancy lad. I mean, I think he’s had his hand on another dude’s crank but it was a “gay”sted moment that he doesn’t talk about. He’s definitely given a bro job or two. Or six.

Speaking of sad people in Saturn commercials and Angela’s Mom, it’s Jeffrey! He’s dressed like Indiana Jones, and driving a minivan. Things have not turned out well for Jeff. The next day. Christian is at his wit’s end, and proclaims himself “randy”. Or “Randy”. He could be a “Randy”. Or maybe a “Randi”. Christian seems to have joined his stank with VictorYA’s. And that’s a stank that no Airwick can fix. VictorYA hates her dress, and thinks it’s something an “older, Italian divorcee” would wear. Racist bitch. Christian tries to help her, and they’re both screwing over their teens. She says she trusts Christian. Uh, has she ever watched a reality show competition?

Jillian’s wearing a huge do-rag, so she must have fallen down while high and sustained a head injury. The models are here WITH THEIR PARENTS. Oh no. Kevin’s girl’s Mom is a trip and basically tells her daughter she looks fat in her dress. Thats nice, and would immediately cause me to head to the bathroom to throw up and then cut myself. Secret cutting’s not secret if you talk about it! VictorYA lucked out. Oh my god, those photos of drag queens are all Fashion Bear Chris? How did I miss that? I am so challenged mentally!
Maddie HATES her dress. Sweet P talks him up to Maddie and her Mom to no avail. Things get tense. Christian says he wants to rip the dress off her and give up. That’s rational.

Sweet P and VictorYA are complaining about being in the bottom two, and Chris trumps them by noting he’s been VOTED OFF. Take that, whinies! Tim Gunn thinks Rami’s dress is a little old-looking. Christian pulls this poor-me bullshit and says he’s ready to leave to Tim. Oh you little douche. Tim tells him to cut the shit and rally. Tim wants this bitch to win, and even starts gathering fabric for him. Christian is the last 3 AM mistake you want to be making, Tim. Designers joke about Kit Pistol’s name, she says her mom’s name is “Uzi, asshole”. HAH! Prom Princess, attack! Christian spends the evening flouncing about the apartment and saying he’s going home.

The next morning, Fashion Bear Chris is rocking his morning parachute and Rami tells us they don’t have prom in Jerusalem. Well, yeah, it could be bombed. That would suck. Back in the workroom, Christian rallies. The teen screams are here. We learn that Tricky Ricky made his girlfriend’s prom dress. “It should have been a clue right there, right?” he says. My work here is done. Jillian notes that the teen girls are loud, and we watch some of them joking that they’re going to make their runway walks hypersexual. Do it! This show needs a scandal! Maddie informs us that Catholic school girls are wild. Yeah we noted that back when Sweet P’s teenager wants a dildo holster on her dress. Ok, I didn’t just type that.

We see Sweet P’s prom photo and it’s a 70’s work of genius. Oh lord, she had braids. And went with “Fast Times At Ridgemont High” as her date. Totally awesome. She also infers that she got banged hard that night. She even blushes. Get it, P! Fashion Bear Chris didn’t go to his prom, he stayed home and watched old movies and got drunk. That was his life in high school. That’s the saddest damn thing I’ve ever heard. I went to mine. It’s a joke, but just go. The weekend after is always the best part because you can run trains on people and try heroin for the first time. I’m kidding. Girls get their hair and makeup did.

Kevin didn’t hem his dress, and he looks really good in his tight black t-shirt…what about his dress? Oh, he didn’t hem it. And I guess that’s bad. It looks fine to me. Maddie is proving herself to be a nasty bitch, and I don’t think it’s a good idea to piss off a birdheaded queen wielding scissors. I have to say, the dresses look hot. Runway time! Maddie walks like she’s a debutante. It probably doesn’t help that Christian is LAUGHING at her as she walks down the runway. What an ass. Speaking of asses, the back of that dress is the crux of everyone’s problem. It looks like a bustle. Rami’s teen looks STUNNING, and obviously loves her dress. It’s the edgiest one.

Time to be torn apart! Sweet P gets high marks. Go P! Kevin’s screwed. His model looks like she’s going to cry. Can’t the girls leave and then you start talking about them they look fat and old? Christian sells Maddie out. Totally. He has no qualms about basically telling the judges that she’s a crazy bitch with bad taste. And even tells her on the runway that she is and demands she confess. Wow. Nina Garcia calls his ass out on how he’s blaming Maddie and Maddie points at her, nodding her head. It’s like Judge Judy up in here. Or Judging Amy. A quick glance at Kevin’s model shows her with her HEAD DOWN. Tell the poor girl she’s still beautiful despite an unhemmed dress! Tricky Ricky gets nailed for his model looking washed out and the dress being boring. Do his tear ducts even work anymore? WIll they strike? I would. Rami Noodles starts some shit with Nina Garcia when she says his dress is too sophisticated. “May I respond to that?” Rami asks. Nina smiles the smile of a female praying mantis. It doesn’t go very far. But Nina was totally gearing up for a fight. Even Heidi thought so as she’s wanting for a patented Nina Garcia verbal Santino slapdown.

Judges judge. Victorya and Sweet P get high marks. I think Ricky’s going home. Though Kevin’s was referred to as the “$29.95 prom” which so should have been the theme to mine. Friggin’ “Wonderful Tonight”. What kind of theme is that? Victorya wins, but Sweet P was close. VictorYA lets us know that immunity is priceless. I hate the flu too. It’s down to Christian and Kevin???? No, please don’t send Kevin home. He’s hot and has such a nice body. I know that prom photo was bad. Don’t judge him for looking like a Backstreet Boy back then! And we haven’t seen him in boxer briefs just yet….and oh, he’s out. UGH. NO. Kevin has some sort of speech but I’m mostly trying to see his ass. He promises a fashion line to us. He’s still trying to tell us he’s straight by focusing on his hug from Heidi. Give it up, Dorothy.

Next – Big announcment that pisses Christian off. Fashion Bear builds a cell phone tower. Rami Noodles and Sweet P rumble.