Project Runway: Bittersweet

Previously – Steven couldn’t hack a wedding dress, so he got booted. Fashion bear Chris was brought back after Jack’s face exploded and he had to leave. And we learned that Tim Gunn has made several bad decisions at 3 AM. Get it, Tim!

By J. Harvey

Oh my sweets, I apologize for my (re)tardniness in recapping this week, as I was in NYC taping that webcast for “The Daily Special” where I looked like an albino bullfrog! It will never happen again! How could I be late on this one, it involved one of my favorite things – CHOCOLATE! Nummers! Let’s get to the sweetness and mess!

Morning at Fashion Ranch. Straight Kevin is pulling on a t-shirt, and don’t get dressed on our account, dude. Hot damn, swirls of hair chest! Kevin’s talking about Steven having to leave and he says it’s like his “f*cking cubicle buddy’s gone” and it sucks. Dude, I witnessed Steven. If he was my cubicle buddy, bitch would have had a stapler off the back of his head after the first week. Rami Noodles, Fashion Bear Chris, and Tricky Ricky ask Christian how he feels about Steve leaving. Fashion Bear Chris is adorable. He has the biggest cankles I have ever seen and is wearing a bathrobe that looks like the Gorgs on “Fraggle Rock” would have used for a tablecloth. Christian’s response to Steve leaving: “I don’t care.” Bravo! Fashion Bear cracks up. Christian has some sort of weird feathery hairstyle going on under a cap. Someone blew dry this morning. He looks like my Mom in 1971 in her leaving the wedding reception to go on her honeymoon photos. Just add a red checkered pantsuit and a big station wagon. Christian says that it wasn’t that Steve made an ugly dress because of the wedding dress he had to use. It was that he made an ugly dress without using ANY of the wedding dress. He’s got a point, but this little gremlin is a cold one.

Jillian, Sweet P, and Photon Blaster Kit discuss what the next challenge might be. Sweet P tells us that she wants to stick around and she wants to go to Bryant Park. Don’t you hate when the editors just cram those bullshit moments in to kill tim.? Yeah, we know, everyone wants to stay. And we know you had everyone tape some boring declaration of wanting to win just for filler. Can you have Sweet P explain her tattoos to us or maybe talk about the time she had to kill that Hell’s Angel with the bicycle chain?

More Project Runway, after the jump!

Straight Kevin is wearing a friggin’ Mood tote bag over his shoulder. Hmmm hmm. Right. Everyone heads to the runway. Heidi looks delicious in a simple black frock and some fire engine red lip stuff. Designers pick models. Some of these models need to pick up some conditioner or barrets. Christian ditches his model, which is the model he had the rapport with and was best girlfriends with, and grabbed another one. Damn, he is out to win. He mouths how sorry he is to his best girlfriend model and she seems ok but you know she’s feeling betrayed from that tiny gay dustmop. Sweet P makes a big fuss over actually not getting picked last, but then stays with her model.

Tricky Ricky makes the last choice between three tearful models, and picks Christian’s former best girlfriend. Oh oh, this chick is still going to be in the workroom throwing dagger eyes at Christian. He better watch his ass, no one’s more vengeful than your ex-fag hag. Oh, btw, Tricky Ricky’s also about to cry over having to dash two models’ dreams. How do his tear ducts have anymore to give? Rami looks all broken up about having to send his former model back to working the makeup counter at Saks. He does a weird head bob, fingers over the mouth oh my god how bad is it doctor movement.

Designers will be sent on a field trip tomorrow morning to find out about their next challenge. Elisa repeats what we just saw, and notes that they have no idea what the challenge is. Yeah, no kidding, you never do! Why are they dumbing down this program for the attention deficit disorder set? Have Elisa tells us about how she uses the diva cup instead of regular tampies. Now that’s fascinating. Tim Gunn shows up at 6 AM after his 3 AM mistake ended. He has the afterglow of a mature gentlemen who discovered there’s still guys in the world who want to give him oral. Sawed Off Shotgun Kit looks like an albino wolf girl, and says it was “tragic” that Tim saw her in her pajamas. I doubt he was checking you out, sweets. Tim wakes up the menfolk and a shirtless Kevin answers with a toothbrush in his mouth and can I have Tim’s job? Seriously, I can get over the denials of homosexuality. They all say that at first. VictorYA wears the same nightgown she wore in the fourth grade. No wonder she’s so bitchy. She needs to get to Gap Body and live a little. Fashion Bear Chris and his tablecloth ask Tim where his “pajamas with the feet in them” are. HAH! We love Fashion Bear. Tim says he removed them. Right before his 3 AM mistake. Tim yells hi to Christian, who is in the background under a snow whit comforter so his head is just a small black dot but then we see him either wave hi to Tim or bitchily motion him away. Probably the latter. Tim wants everyone dressed and out the door for their field trip.

On NYE, a straight gentleman who claims that he only watches because his wife makes him (bullshit) professed to me that he hates Tim. He thinks Tim’s accent is fake. I don’t. I think Tim’s a national f*cking treasure and a sweet, sweet man. Girls brush their teeth. Kit is still going on about how she had to answer the door for Tim Gun in her pajamas. Damn, it wasn’t like he saw you in your vinyl nurse’s uniform. If you pause your DVR just right, you can freeze on Kit and Sweet P brushing their choppers and the resulting pause vibrations animates them brushing. Fun! Tricky Ricky is seriously wearing something from Al Pacino’s “Cruising”. Where’s his hanky for that code business? Christian looks to be wearing something he designed in an earlier challenge. He’s still pissed off that he got scolded. Jillian is rocking some kickass Mork from Ork suspenders.

The designers are led by Tim to the Times Square Hershey’s store. HOW DID I MISS THAT? They have one of those? I’ve been to M&M! I didn’t know there was a damn Hershey’s! Elisa is going on about how magic it is to make things out of chocolate? I’d say more “messy” than “magic”. And this is contrasted by Christian’s utter disdain for the whole concept. Shocker. VictorYA has the BITCHIEST, STANKEST face on when faced with meeting Michelle from Hershey’s as opposed to Fashion Bear Chris who is joyful and HONGRAY. Designers have five minutes to grab materials from they candy and the candy propaganda, and no budget and just the one day to complete the design. GO! Christian hurls his tiny chickenhead at the Reese’s. Fashion Bear Chris tells us that he has experience in knowing never to make clothes with food whenever possible. Good point. Oh, I love your belt of veal! Are those flies hovering? Time’s up! Jillian has things crammed in her Mork from Ork suspenders. That’s ingenuity! Michelle from Hershey’s wishes them a “sweet day”. Easy there, company woman.

Designers return to Parsons to play with candy and eat it. FUN! Straight Kevin is catching candy in his mouth that Rami throws and acting like a seal. I might be in love. Designers have a grand ole’ time. Tim enters and school’s in session! He reminds them that their candy dresses have to be wearable. Jillian is the only one making hers out of actual candy – Twizzlers. She loves red. Sweet Pea is hacking up teddy bears, and smashing pots. This is crazy, and they sell some varied shit at Hershey’s Times Square. I want to hack up teddy bears. And smash pots. I would have just started hurling them against the wall over VictorYA’s head. She needs a wake-up call. Christian is making his garment from Reese’s peanut butter cup wrappers. It actually looks neat but he complains that his table is so dirty. Mine too. Jillian is hot glue gunning Twizzlers together. But that means the model can’t eat the dress off herself at the end! Like she would anyway. It’s not made of cigarettes, Diet Coke or a single piece of broccoli.

Elisa says she wanted to make some sort of fairytale-esque dress for her daughter Klepto. Jivey? Clivey? Mimey? What did she say the girl’s name was? Oh, and then the next bit makes J. Harvey wish he had never written anything bad about Elisa. The short of it is, she’s probably a little wacky because a Porsche hit her and gave her a severe head injury and put her in a coma for five days and she was in rehab for a long time. And at the time she was hit, she was in London brokering a deal to design t-shirts which didn’t happen due to her accident. So her daughter (Jimey? Clove Cigarette?) urged her to go on Runway and reclaim what should have been rightfully hers – a career in design. I thought she was into creating gigantic puppets? Whatevs. My bad, rain goddess, go on with your bad self. Christ, this season sucks because everyone I bag on ends up being a survivor or tragic in someway. Well, J. Harvey, maybe you need to step back and re-examine all that negativity! Nah.

Tricky Ricky notes that Christian has an ego. Christian demonstrates this by acting like Tim’s wacky gay chickenhead son and going around to critique everyone’s work because he’s done with his. Kevin says he will kill him. Sweet P hates her dress. Doesn’t this always happen with her? Well, she’s using shards of ceramic pot for a belt. Her model’s going to end up with a hysterectomy. Tricky Ricky notes how the mood in the workroom has changed as it becomes apparent that it’s hard to make dresses out of candy and candy propagada. Tim Gunn comes in for pre-judging judging. He tells VictorYA that her dress looks flat and to take it farther. And I love that whenever he says something negative she’s like “oh, really?” And you know “oh, really” translates as “f*ck you, old gay white devil!” And let me say this, Rami’s a HELLUVA designer. His dress looks amazing. It’s out there, but just hella cool. Tim says Jillian should wear it. Elisa’s head injury is working overtime (yeah, it didn’t take me long to lose the pity) as she tells Tim she re-designed Gretel from Hansel & Gretel. Honey, it has to be wearable and women who don’t have Down’s Syndrome don’t want to walk the streets as Gretel.

Tim Gunn tells Sweet P that her dress looks like “a coffee filter or a Maxi-pad”. HAH! Thank you, Tim Gunn. Sweet P wears a ring over her ring finger tattoo that already looks like a ring. Isn’t that kind of overkill? Chris is done. So he goes and drools on the couch. Awww. And…I think I look that unattractive when I’m asleep too. Damn. Jillian says she is “f*cking screwed, man” and that her idea is “idiotic”. She’s “terrified” because candy keeps falling off her dress. Twizzlers cause drama! The next day. Jillian is freaking out while putting on her face. Here’s my favorite part. Jillian lays out this whole deal about candy falling off her model, and it sucks, and she’s a good designer and this in unacceptable. And Sweet P hasn’t been listening to her at all and is suddenly like “what’s wrong, Jillian?” HAH! Sweet P has her own problems with her dress looking like a feminine hygiene product! Back off, Jill!

Christian notes that it’s a “trannie mess up in this room” when they arrive at Parson’s. He so wanted to do drag but The Contessa or Coffeey Tablebook told him that he was too short and now he’s bitter. Models are entering! I LOVE how stank Victorya’s looks are. She’s like me. People think J. Harvey’s angry all the time. He’s not, he just has stank face. Jillian has to enlist her model to glue Twizzlers with her. Her model is blonde and adorable in glasses by the way. Chris brings up his previous efforts as a theatrical costume designer using food for a dress and feels for her. I want to see what he had to do! Salad dress! Jillian’s model is now stitching for her. Damn, now that’s a model! Christian has once again enlisted his model to receive his shady observations about the other designer’s work. So it’s not that he becomes best girlfriends with the models, he’s just open about his nasty. Christian refers to Elisa’s dress as a “hot mess”. You know Elisa’s daughter Spivey or Trifle or Gretel or whatever is at home hating on this tiny bitch. Fashon Bear has a problem with Sweet P’s “taste level”. This is coming from a man who threw a model down the catwalk wearing a couch. The Tresemme hair salon is utilized.

Tim Gunn’s here. And it’s showtime. Jillian is terrified that her model will be trailing candy behind her. I’d scoop in and eat it up. Brushing the toxic glue off first. Heidi’s working the red today. Hershey will be auctioning off all the designs to benefit young women with breast cancer. Cool. Zac Posen’s here! He’s so adorable! Start the show! Elisa describes her look as a “macabre, disturbing, Gretel-like figure”. Uh, “wearable”? I’m overjoyed when Sweet P’s model throws candy listlessly out of her purse. Does she have the palsy? Jillian’s dress holds together. VictorYA makes her model walk down in this weird pose that makes Zac Posen’s adorable eyebrows go up in a “what the f*ck?” maneuver. VictorYA better step back and re-think some things. We’re down to Fashion Bear Chris, Sweet P, Rami Noodles, Jillian, Elisa and VictorYA. Elisa totally drops her “Gretel” motivation and tells the judges she wanted to make a dress that looked like candy but didn’t use candy. She must have really thought it over and decided against the “Gretel”. Good idea. Kors tells Elisa it looks like the model has silver shower caps on her arms and Elisa responds with “yes”. So she meant that?

Why does Zac Posen wear his suit jacket sleeves rolled over his shirt sleeves down to the crook of his elbows? Is that an affectation or is it warm in there? Jillian gets big thumbs up. VictorYA is cut down when she tells the judges that her Peppermint Patty pillow dress is “totally wearable”. “YOU WOULDN”T WEAR THAT!” Kors bellows. HAH! You just met your match, Ya! Nina Garcia has a stank “you crazy, VictorYA” face on that rivals anything that VictorYA herself has given us. Heidi says that it’s not candy, it’s “Dairy Queen”. Is that a major distinction you need to make when presenting a challenge making an outfit out of sweets? So she looks soft-serve? They question that weird walk she made her model do. Fashion Bear Chris gets good marks too, and even Nina says she could shoot his model for “Elle” and the model’s like “I’m gettin’ a job out of this!” with her eyes. Sweet P is told she’s joyless. And Nina Garcia loves simple but not “sad”. The judges judge. Zac Posen wanted a parade float. And I think he wants some Rami Noodles in his microwave. I love when they’re discussing Jillian’s dress and praising it and she’s backstage playing with her hair like it’s recess. She must be relieved. We find out that Zac Posen doesn’t like pillows with candy logos on them and finds them uninspiring. Well, who the hell has a Three Musketeers pillow on their damn couch? True!

VictorYA needs to be sent home for looking bored. Uh, where’s my Saturn commercial with a former “Runway” designer? I miss that! You can’t tell me Andre wasn’t available! Rami Noodles won, and he probably also got Zac Posen’s digits. And they don’t send Ya home. Which they should because she always looks like she smells something bad. It’s down to Elisa and Sweet P. It’s going to be rough when they send a woman who was in a coma home. Heidi sums up her creation as “a sad brown dress”. Heidi’s adorable in her withering criticism. Elisa’s out. Damn, she got hit by a Porsche! She’s talking some French or Buddhist mess when she leaves. Heidi might have to call security. Elisa gives a nice soliloquy about how her competitiors were the true judges. Then she “wanders off” to the workroom to kneel up on her table and steal things? I have no clue. Bye rain goddess.

Next – Something about memories and Tricky Ricky’s crying. It must be Wednesday.