Project Runway: Penultimate

Previously – Well, there was a reunion. And we found out that Kors finds sexy ladies to be so off-putting that he has to laugh hysterically. And that Carmen (Kelis) is still irritated. And that Victoria is still stank. And that it looks like Rami and Chris and Jack and Kevin have coupled off. But BEFORE that, Sweet P got booted when her peacock didn’t pan out. And Chris and Rami (is this how they got together?) found out that they have to have their own mini-fashion show to see who goes on to Bryant with Christian and Jillian.

By J. Harvey

Hey, team. So sorry about the late re-cap. Mr. Cable Box chose this week to betray me. Why didn’t it just steal my boyfriend and eat all my Ramen while it was at it? Anyway, it’s time to get down to business. As you know, we’re in that delightful home stretch where Tim goes to the homes or studios of all the designers and sends them into panic mode when he tut-tuts the creations they’ve been slaving away at for a couple of months. Here comes Heidi fresh from Studio 54. Designers have 8K and five months to create 12 looks for a collection. Rami Noodles and Fashion Bear Chris will show the designers their three strongest looks to determine which dude goes on. Does it matter? Since the reunion, I’ve realized these guys have fallen deeply in love. Seriously, Fashion Bear rubs Rami’s smooth head and Rami brings Fashion Bear slightly chilled Devil Dogs from the fridge. It’s a match made in chaser heaven.

Tim Gunn walks out and says it’s so unusual for him to be on the runway. Oh, Tim. Not in my dreams. Tim reminds the designers that the world will be watching. If that doesn’t cause them to break out the Vicodin stash, I don’t know what will. Heidi leads the designers and Tim to the Gotham Apartments rooftops for a final send-off toast. Tim’s basically her butler. Yeah, champs! Christian will be missed when he’s no longer on my plasma every week. Yes, I eat pasta every night, but I have a plasma. It’s all about priorities. Anyway, he’s so brash and princessy. “I have an in to Fashion Week. How bout’ that? And I’m only 21. That’s fierce!” Indeed. The designers runway walk as the champs flows. I’m happy to say I think Fashion Bear has a better walk than Christian. Dude, he designs for Lady Bunny and himself. He’s been through the queendom. Take notes, young’n.

More ProjRun, after the jump

Fast forward…3 1/2 months later! Tim’s taking his Saturn to (the beach/the back room of this shoe store/Griffith Park in L.A./Santino’s boudouir) the designer’s areas (ureas) to see how they’re progressing. Here’s the hot part where we get to see them in their natural habitat. I bet we’ll see that Jillian and Christian’s bedrooms both have some sort of pink fleece blanket. Ok, so Christian sews and sleeps in this tiny closet area. It’s kind of like he’s a Buddhist monk who only uses what he needs and it’s all about simplicity – but then throw some gay in. Who knew? Does he pay a much smaller portion of the rent? Ooh, Christian’s sister is all punked out and they pose rubbing their chests together in a photo and it’s very Hilton sisters.

Christian hails from Annapolis, Maryland (the academy dudes must have LOVED him) and started working in a hair salon when he was 13. His Mom looks down home and her boyfriend looks like the type who might have been “what the hell is that on you queer son’s head?” Christian went to design school in London for three years. Blimey. So Christian is designing some avant-garde shit. For real, like those collars that clowns wear except it goes over the model’s face. How will she drive? Tim suggests that Christian try to edit. He made pants out of feathers. Tim scrunches up his face like they might have bird flu. I love how Christian asks “what’s wrong with you” when Tim doesn’t immediately pronounce him headed for the cover of “Vogue”. Tim tells him that the feather pants along with some of his other Cutthroat Island gear looks a little too “costumey” and too much “look”. First off, it’s funny to say it’s costumey because that was the insult Christian was throwing around at the other bitches all season. Secondly, “too much look” is such short-hand designer talk. I love it. Tim tells Christian to “work hard, think harder”. You dizzy bitch.

Tim goes to see Jillian in her palace. Jillian’s in her like penthouse, sipping some delightful flavored coffee and snuggled in a bulky turtleneck. Add a dog, a man, and a cabin and she’s a Valtrex ad. Ralph Lauren pays well, or she comes from money because she’s got nice space to show off her wares and a view. By the way, Tim’s trim in a leather car coat and stripey Mod trousers and turtleneck. Maybe he’s planning on making a three AM mistake in the early morn’. Get it, Fashion Grandpa! Jillian is knocking it out of the park. Tim has to give some sort of critique so he tells her that her “palette” is “a cloudy day”. Dude, welcome to my life. Jillian’s like, I researched 15th century armor and had a whole theme and crossed strength with femininity and you’re giving me this Wiggles bullshit? Get out, Nana! I just noticed Jillian’s culottes. Is her dance recital later? That turtleneck’s going to get hot. Jillian’s from Long Island, so she takes Tim to meet her family.

We meet what I take to be Jillian’s Mom’s dude because there is no way she was raised by downhome dock worker guy. Maybe Jillian’s Moms needed a little strange in her life. Jillian’s boyfriend is slender and has an accent. We find out that Jillian’s Mom raised her to be famous. I’m sure the siblings are LOVING this dynamic. We find out that Jillian has been “chasing” something all her life, and this comes with photos of a pouty child Jillian dressed like if Laura Ingalls Wilder modeled for Laura Ashley in a photoshoot set in a trailer park playground. Jillian reveals herself as a complete megalomaniac and tells us she’s going to be huge and she won’t have it any other way. Oh, oh. If she loses, Christian better watch his chickenhead. Just cause she’s dressed like Martha Stewart’s sorority sister doesn’t mean she won’t pull out a piece when all her dreams come crashing down.

So Rami Noodles lives in L.A. Timbo drives his Saturn there. They should just have the workroom be in a Saturn. Or have Heidi drive a Saturn onto the runway when she comes to address the designers. Seriously, buy a Saturn everyone! Tim meets Rami’s friends – Jeff and Jenn. Wait, is Jeff his man? He can’t be, he’s thin. Maybe at this juncture, Rami and Fashion Bear hadn’t sealed the deal yet. It’s like in a romantic comedy. Their stars will align before our very eyes. And it will be over a needle and thread, and plenty of fried chicken for Chris! Rami talks about his family. He was born in Jerusalem. She was Miss Jordan in the 60’s! War-torn places have beauty pageants? My talent is dodging artillery fire. And you know the questions they asked the contestants were all about how to annex other countries or what you would have done to prevent Black September. Ok, admittedly I just Wikipediaed Jordan. Rami’s Mom passed away when he was a little and his Pop remarried. He calls her Mom. It turns out that he had to hide his fashion design dreams from his family until his brother outed him. Rami had some Elvis-y looking hair before he pre-empted the receding hairline with the buzz.

Rami has his own studio. They take the Saturn there. You expected something different? Rami could have at least used some Windex on his front door. Handprints! Rami used Joan of Arc as his inspiration. Tim likes a blouse. One blouse. Ouch. Tim notes that one coat is a “heavy duty f-in’ coat”. Tim’s a little fatigued. Driving cross country is tiring, even if it’s in a Saturn with all the trimmings like anti-lock disc brakes, Bluetooth hookup, and three year warranty! Tim wants Rami to “pull it back a bit” and he hisses this at him like Jesus, Rami! What’s wrong with you?

Tim is back in NYC to visit Fashion Bear Chris. Chris has a hot space, and is struggling with the costume problem. One look at his sketches, and I’m nervous. His hair’s looking dope though. Chris’ clothes look….beat. I don’t know. I’m nervous for him. It looks like old women at a casino or something. It looks 50’s Christmas party. I don’t know. He also used human hair to trim some of his designs. Holy shite. Tim notes that the human hair ingredient just triggered his gag reflex. As did his last 3 AM mistake. I note that Chris has the same oversized prop glasses that are on the wall at the coffee house on “Young & The Restless”. Does Fashion Bear visit Genoa City like me? And he has one of those cool glass block walls. I love those. Tim makes an analogy about Chris living in a monkey house, meaning he’s too used to his designs to realize how disgusting they are. Tim literally starts cracking up when he notes the uses of human hair as cuffs and collar trim. Jesus, I hope it’s clean. Where did he get all this human hair? Does Locks for Love know what he’s doing with their shipment? Chris says he’ll edit his look, but some of the hair is staying. Please condition it.

Ooh, Chris is taking Tim to meet some of his friends. Oh my god. His friend has built the palace of Versailles in his apartment. Literally. Does the landlord know about this? He does now. It would creep me the hell out to live like that. He must own it. Seriously, where’s the TV? I would worry that Kirsten Dunst would coming running through accompanied by a Strokes song or everyone would start booing Glenn Close at the theatre. His other friends seem nice. Chris grew up in San Fran and his older brothers aren’t impressed by their gay. We see pics of Chris’ previous costuming efforts and he did a kickass Cruella De Ville. Chris’ friend queens and says he watches ProjRun for Tim and Heidi. Remove your lips from my old man ass, thinks Tim. The guy’s also stumping for Hillary. Do you think Chris was like, can you not take my moment and make it political? By the way, Chris gets lonely, sad, gay man music. So his family doesn’t like him…so what? He made his own family here in NYC and they get to hang out in…..this palace. I think I’d just go over on holidays. Chris is doing this to make people happy, and add fun to peoples’ lives. He’s done for.

The film “Penelope” turns me into one of its villains because Christina Ricci with a pig nose freaks me the eff out. I wouldn’t date her. What, I’m sorry! Everyone’s gathering. You can tell it’s on because even Christian’s declaration that his collection is “fierce” sounds nervous. Jillian brought a plant. Jillian notes that Christian’s never really been a huge fan of hers, so it could “turn out nasty”. I like how their back and forth of “well, are you going to be nice to me” is like the height of the negativity. This season was far too nice. In a way, for humanity, that’s good. TV-wise, we sorta need some people out on ledges sometimes. Rami and Chris embrace. LOOOOOVVVVIINNNGGGGG YOOOOOUUUUU! Rami drinks Sunkist? Finally they break beers out, Chris doesn’t have one. Pregnant? Chris tells Christian that his friends didn’t believe him when he said he missed Christian because he’s so “annoying”. HAH! Well, someone had to break it down for him.

Four days until Fashion Week! Designers head to the new workroom. This one also has a sponsor banner and wall, so just in case you needed a reminder to shop on-line. BUY BUY BUY! The workroom only has three tables because you two lovers are gonna be split up! Chris is like we’ll share, and Christian’s like “I won’t”. Heh. Jillian’s rocking a beret and a sweater dress. Wait, no, Jillian’s wearing what looks like Mickey Mouse’s decapitated, melted head. She looks like a dummy. And the competing guys choose partners to work with. Models enter to get fitted. Rami is having another panic attack. He’s complaining about the heat. Oh oh. It doesn’t matter, he’s still going to win. But he’s got the vapors. Christian notes that Chris used human hair and he’s skeeved. I feel ya. I love this whole spray on makeup thing the professionals use on the models. Can I have that done?

It’s time. I kinda want em’ both to win. Heidi neglected her hair today. Or it’s windblown from driving around in her gorgeous Saturn! And she’s wearing pleather leggings. Actually..Rami’s collection is ornate and makes the ladies look thick. Chris’ looks a little better, but kinda Edward Gorey. Chris reveals the human hair aspect. Everyone gives the “well, now” look except for Mean-a Garzilla (god bless that person) who gives a “I’m gonna puke” vibe. He made a skirt out of black chrome safety pins. Sweet. Rami’s model in the HUGE blue coat looks like she’s going to pass out. Nina pronounces one of Rami’s creations “a fantasy”. I’m so happy that I like Chris’ collection much more when I saw it on the runway. The judges welcome that Rami didn’t send “one Grecian goddess after another” down the runway. Nia Vardalos hates you people. The judges seem to find positive aspects in both collections. Nina must have taken her pill.

I’m actually tense. Why does this show toy with me? Rami’s in. He’s very well-spoken. Rami and Fashion Bear embrace. Does Chris go in for a kiss? Chris is so humble and sweet when he says his goodbyes. I love you, Fashion Bear. And I think Rami does, too. Get that bulk! Chris didn’t expect the amount of love that the universe sent his way. And he leaves us with a laugh. That guy rocks. I need to find his ass in a bear bar in NYC and tell him so.

Next – It’s now or never. Christian’s nervous. Jillian’s missing a model. Christian cries?!?! That isn’t fierce. Oh, and Victoria Beckham’s spaceship lands in Bryant Park.