By J. Harvey
Previously – Last week was chock full of crazy. Kate introduced raw sewage into the hot tub – her own. Julia’s girlfriend’s daughter is a malevolent slattern with a mad-on for Sean. Matt and Kimber are strung out. And Christian finally embraced his desitny. No, not old queen in a piano bar – more like Christian Troy, Male Prostitute.
Did anyone else think last week was the pinnacle of crazy/hilarious/gross so far? Several moments made me wince, and promise myself that I wouldn’t snack during this show anymore. Seriously, it’s a glass of water and crackers from here on in. This show is grotesque and give one the dry heaves!
Rosie O’Donnell’s back. And her face is hacked to bits. I love Rosie O’Donnell. I’ve met her before. She’s crazy, but friendly – especially when you’re on her cruise. If you’ll recall, she’s Dawn Budge, lottery winner. It turns out she was attacked by an eagle (oh god, I wish I had written that) who thought she was poaching her “man eagle”. If I can tell you the number of times that I’ve been in the exact same situation, it’s amazing. She was hangliding and because she’s richer than Madge, she got there by private jet and private doctor. She tells Sean how charming he is on “Hearts and Scalpels”, which makes Christian’s buttcheeks clench in terrible jealousy. Or that could be the plug he’s wearing. Don’t ask, it’s LA. She wants to meet Bradley Cooper. Who doesn’t? We’ve seen him in boxer briefs.
Keep reading for more Nip/Tuck, after the jump.
Christian changes the subject, and we get the most fantastic short film of Rosie O’Donnell hanggliding to Peter, Bjorn & John’s “Young Folks”. Hey, it’s a hot joint and if they were gonna’ sell out, at least it was to accompany Rosie O’Donnell hanggliding. When the eagle actually attacks, it’s the greatest television moment since Buffy killed Angel. Julian McMahon is trying his damndest not to laugh. Rosie was actually transformed by her experience. When she managed to land, she stood and watched the eagle flying away, whilst chewing on a piece of her face. Oh my god, why do I even try to recap this show anymore – nothing I’m going to write is going to be funnier than whats on the screen. Ryan Murphy, just take my keyboard. That moment made her forget just how lonely and depressing her life actually is. Oh, and she’s going into space. No, really. From Russia. They’re going to need to sew her mouth shut. Rosie also notices that Kate (Sean’s girlfriend from the show with the weight issues and tendency to treat the hottub as a toilet) is gaining weight on the show. Sean puts on his fussy face.
Sean and Kate are getting after it. If you’ll recall last week, Sean was still so freaked by the poo incident that he had to imagine his ex-wife’s lesbian lover’s terrifying slut daughter wearing a saddle to finish up. So he’s been having some problems in the bedroom. This week can’t be any easier as Kate is apparently wearing some sort of cloak to bed to hide her weight gain. First of all, wouldn’t you be DEAD if you started eating like crazy when you’ve had gastric bypass. You don’t trifle with that mess. It’s like soup or nothing. Kate tells Sean she loves him. Sean doesn’t say it back. “We’re definitely heading in that direction…” he says. Ouch. He then finds a peanut M&M in bed. Score one for Kate when she answers “because I don’t like the plain ones?” when Sean asks why she’s eating M&M’s in bed. HAH! Sean’s pissed. He finds five empty bags, and mentions the weight gain, the surgery and the gastric bypass. And admits he doesn’t want her to have a fat ass. Sean has the ability to say horrendous things but because he says them earnestly and like a sensitive ponytail man, he gets a bypass. Kate reveals that she has a horrible problem with food addiction. She reveals her secret stash is in the toilet tank. Marshmallow fluff. I don’t care how much you don’t want someone to find it, nothing should be hidden in the toilet. They’re going to Whole Foods (product placement) to get some easily digestible health food. Whole Foods: When’s You’ve Risked Your Life To Lose That Gut, Come Enjoy Our Delicious Easily Digestible Tofu Patties So Your Hottub Stays Feces-Free.
Dawn doesn’t want to be put under until Sean says she can visit the set. And he says no, and admits he’s ashamed of her. Christian gets a booty call, the kind that’s usually an older woman with money who’s willing to pay. They have the usual insult klatch before they dig in to Rosie’s mug. Liz wants to know why Christian’s so chipper lately, and Christian basically tells Rosie that Sean’s cranky because Liz is a fatass. Always a gentleman, that Christian. He also refers to Rosie as “Eagle Temptress” which is the name of my new new-rave band. Actual nurse Linda comes in to tell Sean his daughter’s in the hizzy. And you know this means the Evil Eden portion of our program has begun. Get to Matt and Kimber and the meth or the crack or whatever that was.
Balsa Wood (aka Sean’s boring daughter Annie) wants liposuction. Oh my god, Eden is so tormenting this poor little dimwit. She’s also wearing makeup. Isn’t she like eight or something. Annie says she’ll go to someone else if he won’t do it. She points to her butt and says she doesn’t like it. We learn Eden told Annie that Sean would blame Eden. Eden is such a devious little tramp. Annie says that Eden’s “her sister”, and the only one in the family who cares about her. Well yeah, Mom’s lost in faux-lesbian land, brother Matt is on the pipe, and Sean’s too busy taking away his food addict girlfriend’s fluffanutta. Who has time for the beige one?
Ooh, mojito! Sean meets the chick from Babylon 5 in a hotel bar. Christian’s open to unusual scenarios? This chick starts explaining that basically she’s going to use ice and tranqs to almost kill herself with hypothermia and will become revived by Christian banging her. No, really. “You’re one kinky bitch,” Christian remarks. Uh, YEAH. She explains that there was a dead sister and her shrink thinks that this will be her way of bringing her sister back to life. Bitch you crazy! Oh, and this will also save her mother who killed herself when the sister died. Bitch? You crazy! We learn that Christian get’s four thousand for a regular session, and double that fee when a crazy bitch wants him to give her cpr via his magical penis after she KILLS herself.
Sean is at Julia’s freaking out about Eden’s mindgames. Julia is, of course, defending her. Julia is such a dumb bitch sometimes. Protect your daughter, asshole! Granted, she’s a discount washcloth from Homegoods, but still. Tell your girlfriend to put the lockdown on her crazy whore of a daughter! Sean calls Eden a sociopath. Olivia rolls up and wants to know why Annie’s low self esteem is being blamed on Eden as Eden’s self-esteem is her most extraordinary quality. That, and her new man-made hymen! Meanwhile, Eden is showing Annie pics online of stick figure models and calling them her “thin-spiration”. Jesus Christ, this show is dark. By the way, they’re on one of those chilling sites where anorexics go to celebrate each other. It’s like snuff films but somehow legal. Then she makes Annie get on a scale, and tells her that her ass is fat. Annie wants to lose weight to impress a boy at school. Eden says she couldn’t live with herself if she let Annie do coke, “her own personal savior”. So she decides on bulimia. So expect to see a boring ten year old with her teeth rotting away and her hair falling out. Bulimia ain’t pretty.
Olivia is revealing herself to be a psycho bitch herself, when she tells Sean that Annie’s new issues are his fault and that it’s because his plastic surgery career is undermining to women. Right, uh, how do you not notice that your daughter is Satan with a reconstructed hymen? Julia, being the dumb bitch that she is this season, buts in and agrees with Oliva’s theory. I know lesbians, and most of them aren’t this stupid. Meanwhile in the other room, Annie is horking up into a bucket and crying because she doesn’t want to throw up and Eden is yelling instructions on how to be a bulimic at her. They’re “moving to plan C”. Eden probably has a liposuction wand under her bed.
Rosie’s in bed when an actor who I met while on Rosie’s cruise enters. He’s a nice chap (he was on Buffy once!), and here to get a stool sample because she had a run-in with a bird and avian flu is a concern. He’s a lot less gay on TV than in real life. I’m trying to avoid having to write about him having to root around in Rosie’s ass. Ok, I broke the seal. Let’s move on.
There’s a nun in Christian’s office who wants her breasts reduced to “remove confusion”. If only it were that easy, I’d have had my manboobs taken away a lot time ago. She wants to be seen as a vessel of God’s light. She’s a “modern nun”. They’re flirting. Doesn’t Christian already have a storyline? What happened to gigolo psycho-reviver? Now they’re setting him up with a hot nun? Who, by the way, is wearing makeup? Does Jesus approve of Loreal? As they examine her large mammaries, she explains why she took the vows. Christian goes for it. She isn’t impressed. We learn she was a junkie and homeless. Oh. That’s pretty much the only thing I can think of that could get me to put on a wimple and wall off my area.
We learn that the nice chap from J. Harvey’s cruise wasn’t actually a doctor, he’s a brownie hunter. I’ll let you figure that one out for yourself. I have to go vomit now. Oh my god. No, really. Oh my god, I can’t believe this show sometimes. Liz found this out from the cops. What is that baguette penis looking sculpture in their breakroom? It’s weird. Liz says “brown is the new black” and “fudge finder” in her explanation and I love her all the more. It turns out that the other practices at which he’s struck have had to give huge payouts to the victims to avoid their malpractice insurance costs from rocketing. Sick! So this is how Rosie’s getting to go to “Hearts and Scalpels”.
Oliver Platt’s back! He’s a sad gay in a tracksuit! Sean shows Rosie around. She meets Kate, and Sean isn’t thrilled when Kate kisses him. Damn, she is so doomed. Kate takes Rosie around until Rosie is STRUCK DOWN BY A LAMP ON THE SET. And Oliver Platt revives her. And they fall in….love? WHAT? Meanwhile while this is going on, Julia calls Sean to tell him Annie’s been expelled. Probably for giving herself a tummy tuck in the cafeteria.
In the dean’s office, the dean is blathering on and calico cat Annie is receiving texts from Eden until Sean snatches the phone away. Sean tells the dean about Eden. It turns out that Annie was caught in a stable with the kid she was into. Ride em’, cowboy! Sean goes to see Eden, who’s in a towel. And then she’s NOT in a towel. And then cut to commercial in which I have to decide who’s the worse actor – Anakin Skywalker or Jessica Alba? Suffice to say, I won’t be seeing “Awake”. Sean tells Eden to get dressed, and he’s going to take her to the dean to confess she put Annie up to it. Eden’s reply is that the dean likes when she sucks “his balls” and wouldn’t want to hear anything bad about her. FX, ladies and gentlemen! Sean asks what happened to her, and she explains that she wants to teach Annie how to get a man and starts making fun of Kate. Let me tell you, it’s a little early in the season for “The Crush” and I don’t see Alicia Silverstone up in here. She also informs him that she “loves to swallow” and she “taught herself to deep-throat using a numbing spray”.
Um, wow. Can I be a nun? Damn. Jesus.
Sean tells her to stay away from him. And Eden wants to know if he’s afraid that she’ll corrupt Annie or him? She’s kinda one note, this one. And she makes Lindsay Lohan look celibate. Christian’s with Sister Mary TaTas, and she’s trying to get him to pray. And Christian tells her that prayer doesn’t work since he was molested as a kid repeatedly by his foster father. Oh, and if you’re keeping score? Christian’s real Dad was also a serial rapist who raped his birth mother. Heartwarming. The nun feels for Christian, and is talking about God’s plan. Christian says he doesn’t want to be saved. She gives him her medal. That will look nice when he’s killing his lady johns and hoping that his sexual prowess will revive them. Rosie O’Donnell and Oliver Platt are in their office, talking about their love. And they start making out. Over her neck brace. Seriously, someone take my keyboard. He gets a text from Eden that says “my throat wants ur dick”. Charming AND a terrific speller! Why doesn’t he just turn Christian loose on this douchebag? He’ll have her commiting suicide in no time. Oliver notes that they think he’s gay. And he goes off about he’s not. And Rosie backs him up saying he gives good head. Oliver needs an asslift. Please don’t show us. And Christian gets a text saying psycho ice chick is taking ketamine and needs his space heater penis. Oh oh. He gets there and she’s dead. He calls 911 and starts freaking out. He gives her the nun’s medal and goes to leave and suddenly she wakes up. Give me a f*cking break, this show’s gotten religion? Do I need to remind you about the numbing spray? The ice pop lady gets taken away by ambulance and Christian sits in his sports car and thanks his lucky stars.
Oliver Platt’s getting his ass lift. Please no. Christian wants to see Rosie in his office. He wants to talk about her and Freddie. Rosie goes on and on about how Oliver could have any girl he wants, but he chose her. Christian tries to counsel her, but she says she feels unconditional love. The ass bandit’s back and here to attack Freddie. Oh good god. He’s an unisex equal opportunity ass bandit! Oliver’s into it. Well, duh. Sean has a messed up dream in which his alter ego talks about Eden in his consultation office. It ends with Sean asking himself to cut his own balls off. Seriously? Kate’s here with salad fixins’. That’s nice and wholesome. Sean tells her he loves her, and says they should get married. For real? Sean, what’s wrong with you? Why is everyone so mental on this show?
Christian goes to see the newly flatchested nun friend. He brings her a gold St. Christopher. She’s not happy he’s here. He apologizes for how he treated her. He asks her to pray with him and seems for real. Please let this be her last appearance. Because I can’t take him defiling a nun. I can take an ass bandit, but no nun despoilment.
Next – Eden and Christian face off, Sean and Kate get into swingin’ to spice things up and Kimber gets back into porn to pay her and Matt’s drug bills! And hopefully for some diapers.