Nip/Tuck: Sorry I’m Late/Hurray For Hollywood

December 20th, 2006 // 13 Comments

Previously – James kicked her own bucket, Sean sold his half of the business and left, Matt and Kimber’s porno got on the net, and Escobar Gallardo informed Michelle she was his new head of organ acquirement.

Sean and Christian are packing up Sean’s house. He’s sold it, and is moving to L.A. Way to escape the corruption of Miami. The two wackjobs who bought Casa De Are Those Brains On The Living Room Wall? are smoking the house out with sage to remove any negative energy. Hope you got the economy pack at BJ’s because that’s going to take a lot of sage. Christian makes sure to inform them that they should be sure and smoke the nursery because “his wife screwed a dwarf in there”. Heh. He should write this column. And the negative energy would be because of the adultery, not because of the little person. Because he was a sexy motherf*cker. Sean explains to Christian that L.A. is the plastic surgery capital of the world, and if he dealt with Michelle as a boss for a year – then Christian can. Michelle and Christian bought Sean out for the amount he asked for, and Christian gives him the check. The wackjobs come out and as they’re leaving they tell the two gayest men in Miami that the “handyman said he wasn’t finished yet”. The handyman is Escobar Gallardo, and he’s all burn faced still and how in the hell did those two idiots thinks he was a handyman? He’s in a suit. And there’s no sign that he was working on anything. Escobar needs them. Again. He’s very needy for a psychotic crime kingpin.

Sean and Christian’s blindfolds are removed and they’re faced with the two French-Asian thugs who were tormenting Jackie Bissett before she handily removed her face with a bullet. Escobar refers to them as the “Paul Mitchell twins”. If he wasn’t on the lam, he could write this column. Escobar’s also accompanied by his wife, who I believe used to be an MTV VJ. The actress who played her, not the character of the wife. Though, on this show it wouldn’t be surprising if an MTV VJ hooked up with a drug lord. After all, last season Julia’s spa sold Joan Rivers face cream whose secret ingredient was cum. No, really. Check the DVD. They are sitting in a dining room, with an open wall on one end, which looks out upon what appears to be some kind of Mayan pyramid civilization deal. Seriously, it looks like hearts are going to be cut out on altars and there are torches, and Mel Gibson could have directed that gory movie there. It looks like the lost temple of the Amazon. Are they still in Florida? Anyway, we get some back-story. This is Escobar’s wife Gala. She took over his drug business while he was doing a bid. His enemies got ahold of her and sliced off the fronts of her boobs. And it’s Nip/Tuck, so we get the full effect. Why do I ever eat before this program? This bitch is running around in a white mink over her bloody bandages. Smart. She didn’t get them fixed yet because she wanted the best. Escobar is offering the guys $450,000 to do the operation. Christian and Sean refuse, and cite several reasons – he shot Liz, he threatened their families, he shot Christian’s dick full of Botox. Did I miss that one? They neglect to mention a couple of weeks ago when he left several dead men in their operating room. But who’s counting? Escobar gets up in their grilles, but Gala is chill and tells him to drop it. For a woman who’s currently bleeding out of her chest and has just been refused medical attention, she’s kinda calm.

More Nip/Tuck after the jump.

Written by J. Harvey

Michelle, fetching in green, gets into her car. Do you think someone has broken in? Do you think this silly bitch bought an alarm? Or changed the locks? Or hell, stopped parking there? No. Her car has been broken into umpteen times, yet she is still terrified when someone is suddenly in her goddamn front seat. Park out front on the street, dumbass! You should have friggin’ veggie dip laid out; you have so many visitors in that mobile. One of the Paul Mitchell French-Asian ascot wearing thug twins is in the backseat, and he’s dressed like Alan Rickman as Professor Snape in the Harry Potter movies. Escobar’s in the front. He has a conversation with Michelle about how she sucks at Jackie Bissett’s job and needs to step it up. She says she can’t do the organ thing anymore, but he suggests something else to repay her debt. Get Christian to fix his wife’s breasticles. She does him one better, and says she’ll do it. Uh, Mrs. Gallardo might want a second opinion on that one.

Liz and Sean are performing a boob job when Michelle rolls up, and wanting to take notes and observe Sean. It couldn’t be more obvious that she’s trying to learn how to do a boob job if she rolled up Mrs. Gallardo beside the other patient and told Sean “who’s this? Uh, training dummy. I’m just going to follow along on my training dummy, ok? Great. ” Sean is irritated by her ass, and asks what the f*ck she’s doing. She lies and says she intends to go back to med school.

Sean’s in the break room, trying to steal the coffee maker. Christian catches him, and Sean lies that he paid for it. You just sold your house and your extremely successful medical practice. I think you can afford a Kourig or something at your next crib, crocodile arms. Christian says he can take the fish from his office, but that’s it. Jesus, someone’s petty. Sean brings up Michelle’s wacky behavior in the OR, and Christian’s like it doesn’t mean anything that she didn’t tell me that. Oh contraire mon frere!

Christian and Michelle have a domestic scene, and I find it fascinating that both Sean and Christian and Michelle have all had people’s brains blown out in their living rooms in the past several months but merely got another paint job and were A-OK. If a murder or suicide occurred in my home, near the couch where I hang out every night, I might be a little antsier. I’m shocked they didn’t just put a frame around the brain specks and call it art. Christian asks Michelle about her medical school lie and she gets defensive. This is the part where I realized that these two are actually sorta boring and I’m glad that this is the season finale because it’s probably going to mean that they break up or she dies or she shoots him or something or other. Anything to kill the boredom. She gets a call from someone and I’m sure it’s something illegal and she lies that it’s something to do with dead JR Ewing’s businesses and leaves.

It’s basically Gala Gallardo’s operation. And the evil Russian supermodel helping her perform it is like we’re both gonna die if you mess this up, Michelle. And Michelle is all shaky and should not be holding a scalpel. Frankly, Gala Gallardo seems like a tough ghetto bitch and I wouldn’t want to mess her boobies up further. Christian rolls up, and asks her what the hell she’s doing. I hope this is where someone dies because I’m unimpressed so far.

Christian and Michelle have it right the f*ck out. And there’s a lot of crying, and slamming of women into walls and let go you’re hurting me. The typical TV drama revelation of a woman’s betrayal. Michelle spills as to what’s been going on this whole season. It went pretty fast, but it looks like Escobar had been James’ boss all along. Liz’s kidney being taken wasn’t just random; it was actually James’ idea to scare Michelle into still working for her. There was some other stuff about maybe Larry Hagman knew, and Escobar and James trafficked in beautiful people, which is why McNamara/Troy was chosen as a potential front. Whatever. Point is, it was Escobar behind the scenes all along. Christian’s all you lying bitch. She’s all why’d you agree to fix Escobar’s face? This is like a boring game of tennis, like when Monica Seles used to play.

Anyway, Sean ends up in there. They scrub in. Liz is acting as anesthesiologist and Escobar keeps taunting her ass about her kidney being gone. What a dick. Gala makes him apologize so we know who wears the toreador pants in this cartel. I don’t know what that sentence meant. Liz comments that she could never be more brutalized than what Gala has to endure being married to her “pig husband”. The song playing over the operation is sorta bangin’. Does anyone know what it was? Sean finishes his part, and leaves the rest up to Christian and Michelle who he loathes at this point for all the lies and deceit and bloodshed. This finale isn’t doing it for me.

Sean goes to Target, I mean Kimber’s apartment, to see Matt. Matt’s hair looks way better since he filmed that porn. Seriously, did he have plugs put in or is he using new product or something? He looks almost presentable. Kimber’s in the bathroom, getting ready for starship worship. Isn’t Matt in high school? I mean, what the f*ck? Is this how all the teens make out on South Beach? Hot apartments and former porn producer girlfriends? I was lucky if I could get Liz Lees to accompany me to the prom and she chose her own corsage and danced with her brother all night and I was queer. Sean lays a good chunk of money from the house sale on Matt. Matt gets all teary-eyed and confesses that he knows Kimber doesn’t love him and will always be in love with Christian. That porn shoot made him smarter, too. Sean comforts him, and these two actually get along and Sean sorta advises him to leave Kimber’s well-used ass. Kimber rolls up, and Matt goes to get changed for alien training and Sean tells Kimber to get her shit together. He leaves, and Kimber cries.

Liz tends to the ex-MTV veejay in the recovery room. Gala mentions how nice Liz is being to her and that she knows Liz could easily slip something into her IV to off her ass but hasn’t. Liz says she has thought about it as revenge for being shot, seduced, humiliated, cut up, almost dying, afraid to leave her own house for weeks, not being able to sleep through the night, and having to date Alanis Morrisette. She didn’t say that last part, but that had to have been a trial for her. Liz asks Gala why she’s with Escobar. And Gala’s all he was quiet and soft-spoken but ended up being an asshole. Good answer? She says that a little power made him a monster. But she wanted to keep her children safe. Liz thanks her for confirming that she lives in a private hell and that she is free. Liz, honey, I’d shut my trap if I were you. Gala walked around with her tits chopped off like it was a hangnail. I wouldn’t go toe to toe with that anytime soon.

Christian and Michelle are up in the hizzy, trying to make it when they get all serious and the questions begin again. Christian asks her why she was performing the surgery and if she had anything to do with taking people’s kidneys personally. She lies. And they’re pretty much over as of then.

Escobar and the Paul Mitchell twins are in the waiting room. Today is the big unveiling of Gala’s new breasteses. As he goes to take off the bandages, Liz pulls out a piece and gets ready to exact some dyke justice. This sorta pisses me off. Liz is pretty levelheaded and now she’s Screaming Mimi with a pistol? I don’t buy it. But they needed a catalyst for Gala to end up shooting his ass. Oops, Pretend you didn’t read that. Anyway, Liz is screaming about everything he did to her and he’s all calm and like you aren’t going to shoot me. And Liz backs down and hands Gala the gun. And Gala puts a slug in his dome. Later, Escobar. And Liz starts screaming in terror. Was Roma Maffia pissed that they completely destroyed her character in three minutes? Whatever, she’s getting paid and at least Alanis Morrisette’s gone. Anyway, everyone’s like uh, what should we do with the body, Mrs. Gallardo? And she’s like whateva, I’m off to Columbia to retrieve my drug empire and check on the kids. Laters. So they do this cute homage to the very first episode in which Sean, Christian and Liz buy hams and tie them to Escobar’s body and feed it to alligators in the Everglades. I hate alligators. They scare the mess out of me. Seriously, they can run quite fast and I heard they can sorta climb trees. Watch the f*ck out.

Later on. Los Angeles. Sean interviews at this low-rent, 25 doctor plastic surgery clinic. He says that he just wants to be a cog in the machine and doesn’t want to run things. And this is where Ryan Murphy pays another homage. This time to Paul Thomas Anderson’s movie, Magnolia. It’s cutesy. I’m all for cast lip-synching or line dancing. Some people might call it shoddy writing when you let a song and a montage end the season, but whatevs. The song is “Brighter Discontent” by the Submarines. Anyway, Sean’s alone. Christian and Michelle are unhappy. Kimber and Matt are unhappy. No Julia for some reason.

And the season ends with Christian rolling up on his true love Sean in his new operating room. And he’s moved there with Wilbur, and left Michelle. And I guess next season is going to be set in L.A., which is interesting. And they do this whole really gay thing of Sean and Christian posed in front of the Hollywood sign and Christian is wearing these giant white sunglasses. Like the kind Nicole Richie wears so she doesn’t float away. And it’s really gay. Why don’t they just have them sitting on each other’s faces or something? Wasn’t the promise of this whole season that they were supposed to f*ck eventually?

Anyway. My apologies for the lateness of the last couple of recaps. To all of you who read these and send me such positive feedback – thank you so much. I’m totally honored that people actually take the time to endure my craziness and love for this mess that we call television. Laters.

By J. Harvey
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  1. Sandy

    “He (CHristian) should write this column.”

    NOOOO!!!! Never! We would miss YOU WAY too much. Plus he is not nearly as hot as you.

  2. Dee

    You know what J. I watch most of the shows that you recap…
    but I still read you recap because you say it better that they do…maybe you should write these shows.

  3. Thanks for the awesome recaps!!!!! I actually watch the shows thinking “I wonder what J. Harvey will say about this, I bet it’s good!” and you never disappoint! Thanks again!!!

  4. Bethany

    Oh J., as much as I look forward to your recaps I find it unacceptable it has taken a week to get this up. Has becoming co-editor gone to that huge melon of yours? I hope not, now get on your pony and get these done on time.

  5. liz

    even though i watch the episodes when they air i still come and check out the highlights with you. it’s always amusing and sometimes better than how the show plays out. cant wait for next season

  6. Jane

    Better late than never!

    Can’t wait for new shows so that the recapping returns.

  7. Bree

    Your recaps truly make my day. I read even though I don’t watch the shows because your version in infinitely more entertaining. How sad is that for FX?

  8. Bree

    Your recaps truly make my day. I read even though I don’t watch the shows because your version in infinitely more entertaining. How sad is that for FX?

  9. i don’t even watch the show anymore. i just read your recaps!

  10. becca

    FYI – Julia took time off to spend with her daughter, who is sick or having some kind of problem. So no Jules for a while…maybe next season?

  11. sec

    Thank you for your recaps; to me the show isn’t complete without the recap.

  12. karen

    My family and I love your recaps. Keep up the good work.

  13. Nip/Tuck Whore

    Your recaps at the shit, J. Harvey. They’re more entertaining than the show itself. I was a little disappointed with this season’s Nip/Tuck and hope that next season doesn’t bore us both to tears.

    So, while Nip/Tuck is on hiatus, what show are you going to be recapping for us? Please don’t say Dirt because I’d rather put cigarettes out in my eyes that watch that trash.

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